Monday, July 28, 2014


The nice lady from the council's just come and collected the recording equipment. It's been in my apartment for the last three weeks, as once again I find myself living next to a neighbour who doesn't give a fuck and thinks it's acceptable to hold parties on a Tuesday til gone three in the morning.

I called the cops (they said it was a personal matter and not their business) and called the council (who oddly don't operate at 3am). I wrote to all my neighbours including the wankers involved, reminding them that it was a little bit inconsiderate to blast music out and scream with the unremitting joy of being alive while all around them, people tried to sleep, but it had no effect.

It all came to a head a couple of months ago. They held two parties in a week, and I always seemed to be in bed desperate for an early night when they came back from the pub ready to rock. The last time they did this, it was my 40th birthday. I was literally entering a new and miserable decade of non-achievement and saw it in as I lay in bed listening to the dull throb of bass from downstairs. I snapped. The next day I went on a crusade, calling the police and bombarding the council with such ferocity that I made a nuisance of myself until the Noise Abatement Team installed a recorder in my bedroom ready for their next party.

And of course it never happened. The council's warning letters have worked and they've been silent. I've had a few moments of phantom bass in my head where I've been sat up listening to nothing but the whistle of my tinnitus at 2am, and the whole thing's been a waste of time. When the lady came and collected the recorder just now, she spoke her name, and the date and time into it to sign the recording off, and I giggled nervously... because I snore like I'm being waterboarded and choke on my own breath. A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that some malevolent bogeyman was creeping into my room and I literally woke myself up screaming "GET OUT!". I've been told besides the snoring I mumble incoherently in a dead language and the demons in my mind begin to chatter.

But worst of all, I've watched a ton of porn on my phone as I've wanked away the pain. I completely forgot about that mic pointed right at my head.

Which is going to be a little awkward when anyone listens back to it.


daisyfae said...

i honestly felt a little bad chuckling at this post... When i was receiving harassing phone calls from a work colleague, i contacted the phone company (back when we all had land lines - and no one had caller ID) to start tracing the calls to prove it was her. Simultaneously, i lodged a complaint, with some documentation, with my supervisor. When it was reported to her supervisor, of course, the calls stopped... and it was never proven.

i'm still pissed off about that.

digressica said...

Is it too late to include this absolutely fucking gem of a story in your novel? Because seriously. The lols I have just had. Bless you.

i am not your freud said...

hahahaha this should go in the book

luna said...

i lol-ed too, at least u can sleep now.

i have the same pb, and complained too, pest neighbour this morning woke me up at 6am returning frm clubbing loudly trumpeting "don't bang the door i don't want to be evicted because of my NEIGHBOUR! " tons of malevolence on the last word...

yeah but i m still woken up so...

Anonymous said...

Yes, definitely get this one in. God, can you imagine what the Noise Abatement people must pick up as well as the parties etc. They must know a few secrets by now!

Invite us to the launch, won't you!

looby said...

Sugar. That comment above is from looby.

fwengebola said...

df ~ Wait, you were getting harassing phonecalls at work, from work? That's amazingly awful
Dig ~ Oh jesus, no. I'm finally getting round to replying to months of old comments, and you're making me consider sticking this in at the end. STOP MAKING ME KEEP WRITING THE DAMN THING!!!
Fuck. I'm so tired.
ianyf ~ Don't you start too.
Luna ~ Utter wanker. I hate people. Yet I love them all too. I think I just need to be separated from humanity, like in a zoo. (I'm not in it though)
Anon/ Looby ~ I like how you think there'll be an actual launch with champagne and canapes. There will, but it will just be for me, alone at home, and with beer and nuts. And now I definitely have to add that damn story in. Bugger.