Saturday, July 27, 2013

Job Applications

So it comes to this.

I've not posted for several months, because I'm actually writing this bloody book, my Autowhyography. I'm doing it now except, okay, I've stopped as I'm trawling through past scribblings, and came across some fake job applications I wrote 8 years ago. It was for a now defunct satirical website I wrote with McTODD! and republish here.

I did write a new post, but as I wasn't the butt of the joke for once and a very nice lady would've wound up drunkenly recounted on the internet, I decided to shut up.

So here's some fake jobs in the meantime ~

You done getting drunk and stoned and trying to shag everything that moves? Then welcome to the rat-race. No, we don’t care about your degree. It counts for fuck-all. Here’s £2 an hour, now shut up and make me a sandwich.

Want to make the nice boss a sandwich? Erm, sorry, you’ll need a degree for that.

Runners needed, TELEZEST
Have you got boundless, contagious energy? Are you as creative as Picasso and more entrepreneurial than Branson? Are you prepared to have the very fibre of your being ripped to shreds as you get your hands dirty working long, sleep-deprived hours in the vibrant, exciting, coked up, shallow world of the Media, consoling yourself day after day that “I’m here, I’m in, I’m on the first rung of the ladder” when in fact we think less of you than a GI does of a petrified Iraqi whose head is being pinned down by a filthy sand-covered boot? Then TeleZest needs to hear from you. We want to exploit the limitless enthusiasm of literally thousands of gullible graduates from across the UK and beyond. Our toilets are filthy. We’re running out of ideas and we need free ones. Where’s my fucking tea, you unfashionable runt?
Send your CVs and bribes to Cecelia Bounds-Green, Telezest, 19 Golden Square, Soho, London W1 9BJ or email Remember that although we are offering bone crushing humiliation for six grand a year less tax, the job will be given to those prepared to work for nothing, and plenty will. Priority given to senior management’s relatives who will of course start at the top, regardless of age and inexperience. No disableds.

Are you conversant with MDIX 1550+? Do you write Feltch? Can you reprogram a Buoyant Unbugger into 16 codes of Twerp? We need a Kancoder (12 and 22 chipset danke) to shaft and seal our Kurtis Mantronix with Sprogbatter (with additional ability to rim favourably). We are currently upgrading to a Sexual Innuendo 1500, so please bear in mind that the successful applicant will have to downquim every other weekend.
£38,000 OTE
Deal, Kent.

BIBBETY BOBBETY BOO, SOLICITORS Dull, overpaid position available at a legal institution for fat, grey-haired suited dullards, the kind you see fuffing over paperwork on the train at eight in the morning. You must have at least ten years experience in legal management, be divorced, and act slightly awkward in front of our nubile female secretaries. Ability to enjoy a scotch or three every night before commuting home is useful but not vital to the post. A slightly nervous laugh is important, as is the ability to unconsciously create rumours among our staff that you collect child pornography.
c.£65,000 + profit share

Human Resources Assistant, NIKELSON BAXTER BEDOUIN NURSE A vacancy has arisen in our HR department for a HUMOURLESS SPINSTER FUSSPOT to wear unattractive flowery blouses and snap at other members of staff. The ideal candidate must be simpering and coy around the HR Director, and universally hated by all except the boss, who can’t see what all the fuss is about. You will play a key role in making everyone feel uncomfortable as soon as you walk into a room. Preference will be given to those women who hang their glasses around their necks with a bit of string, and who have a vomit inducing dark moustache. £17,000

Facilities Co-ordinator, MOHEL TRAINING CENTRE We are looking for a loud and bubbly co-ordinator for our facilities department. The candidate must be an outrageous flirt, and ideally will laugh filthily at everything so our managers can imagine they’re still young, funny and virile. Please note that due to the high number of responses, we can only consider girls who are too fat to be wearing thongs that stretch eye-wateringly high up their chuffs while wearing inappropriate midriff t-shirts in all seasons, yet still leave male staff with the overall impression that “you would though, wouldn’t you?” Willingness to drunkenly admit to lesbian dalliances also a bonus.

DANISH BEDDING CENTRE Man with facial tick wanted to make people uncomfortable. Must smell of onions.
£23,373 pro rata including inner London weighting

THE TERENCE HIGGINS TRUST A pleasant opening has arisen for a camp teenage boy to squeal with delight at the merest provocation. The female staff must love you to bits, and you must have an interest in footballers’ legs, Kylie, and Geoff from Accounts.
No bitchy queens, please.
£15,470 plus benefits.

Your Ideal Job is Right Here.
We want YOU to work with us for a staggeringly good wage. This position is something you can do, and it’ll interest you a hell of a lot. In fact it’s so much fun, it’ll barely feel like work!!! We’re a happy relaxed gang here, and I just know you’ll fit in great. Hey, we’re only twenty minutes from your house as well! All you really want, plus a generous pension scheme, healthcare, unusually long paid holiday, and a Lexus. We will need you to visit our New York offices a couple of times a year but don’t worry, it’s only for a week or two, all expenses paid at the Five-star Carlton Hotel, only really to catch up with our American subsidiary and send a couple of emails home. We’ll turn a blind eye to your partner joining you, and you’ll have so much time on your hands, you’re probably better off going shopping on Fifth Avenue all day anyway.
Oh, by the way, you will need at least fifteen years experience in something you don’t have. Sorry about that. You can still apply if you want, but we’ll only bin it. Ah, stop blubbing. I hear that McDonalds need cow-tippers, so it’s not all bad.

ARE YOU… a deviant, selfish, arrogant, unscrupulous, sexually depraved, egotistical, power crazed, greedy, war-mongering, wife-cheating, hooker-sleeping, useless corpulent hypocritical festering mucus cyst on the blubbering lip of the child of Life? Great, we need a new candidate to stand as MP for Uttoxeter West. The Conservative Party, 25 Victoria Street, London, SW1H 0DL
VILLAGE IDIOT REQUIRED Must wear seven layers of clothing and a hat during the long summer months while babbling at passers by about noisy cars and Tixylix.
Apply to Margaret Dawson at Kirklees Metropolitan Council, Civic Centre, 3 Market Street, Huddersfield, HD1 1WG

ARCHER COMMUNICATIONS Unbearable sex pest needed at our progressive company to drool at the girls in marketing. We have a position for a sleazy young man who thinks he’s god’s gift to women to pester and harass anyone with breasts. Older senior members of staff must feel flattered by your attentions so they will largely ignore the protestations of the younger women of the office when they come to complain. An ability not to take no for an answer will be an advantage, as will an aptitude for following women into the toilet, sending sexually explicit emails to them on an hourly basis, and arranging at least three dates per day with office staff too new or na├»ve to know better. The successful applicant must be arrogant and boastful to the other men in the company at all times. £18,000 PA

We are looking for a dynamic, enthusiastic and charismatic self-starter, with masses of ideas and buckets of passion. You must be of exceptional calibre, dedicating every single hour of the day and night to your unswerving loyalty, never questioning, never criticising. You must dedicate your life’s blood to your work and your career. You will only feel comfortable in the confines of your office your only friends will be us. You will be incapable of talking, thinking or even dreaming about anything other than your job. You will slit your wrists for the good of the company if it has been so ordained. You are vacuous, boring, greedy, and completely oblivious to the concept of enjoying life. You cannot be bargained with, you cannot be reasoned with. You don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And you absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.
Want to earn £50,000 from home? Wouldn’t we all. Now don’t be so fucking stupid to think we know how and get on with your day job.

Building contractors. Dynamic individual needed to be casually racist and drink tea all day. Building skills not particularly important.

Interim Deputy Participation Co-ordinator, JOHNSON MASON GROUP
Following our restructure, you will be assigned to two different business units consolidating major gift programmes for trust implementation against an annual target income. You may have to work peripatetically selecting pilot areas for our face-to-face service providers, co-ordinating facilitation between holistic relapse focus centres and referral pathway administrators for blue-sky discussions. You will be accountable for the high performance of the… hey, c’mon now. It’s ok. No-one here knows what any of this means either.

Radio DJ’s Sycophant wanted, BBC RADIO ONE
A position has arisen for an inspirational flatterer to laugh along with and boost the ego of Radio One’s top fat ugly breakfast DJ, Chris Moyles. This exciting and rewarding job will have you FETCHING Chris’s tea, RUNNING for Chris’s morning kebabs, LAUGHING uproariously when Chris is insulting a minor celebrity, and BEING SHOUTED OVER when you overrun your allotted sixteen words per show. You will be given the opportunity to be publicly HUMILIATED when Chris is in a bad mood, and you will be the fall guy should anything go WRONG. Successful applicants will be bestowed with the prefix ‘Comedy’ before their first name as an ironic gesture due to the fact that you must not under any circumstances be funny, and certainly not funnier than Chris. A corpse wheeled in to the show once achieved this, and its contract was revoked. This position is ideally suited to inferior nonentities with serious issues of low self-esteem who are desperate to hang on to the greasy coattails of demi-fame for ten minutes, or until Moyles runs out of buns and has to eat you.
£12,855-£14,028 PA.
Justin de Villeneuve, Head of Insignificants,Radio 1, London, W1N 4DJ

CHEAP EASTERN EUROPEAN JANITOR NEEDED to mop up after us when we’ve gone home. Will need own mobile phone to stand on the stairwell as you babble and yell incoherently in your own gruff language at one of your many relatives. An ability to make us assume you’ve nicked our stuff when things go missing will also be an advantage, as will having thick eyebrows that meet in the middle, almost shrouding your disturbing black eyes that screen the dark, unnerving thoughts that lay behind them.
The Commission for Racial Equality

Vacuous? Shallow? Fickle? Nauseating? Self-obsessed? Unable to spell any word in this list? Channel Four are holding auditions to look for more talentless retards so they can SHOUT! DANCE! SHIT YOURSELF ON COMMAND IN THE FRAGILE QUEST FOR POSSIBLE FAME AND GLORY! for the next series of Big Brother.
We are looking for: Three homosexual men (ideally one tearful queen, one bitch, and one predatory male), Two attractive bisexual girls, a brain-dead yob, a tart with large tits, a nerd from the Shires, and a token black male who must talk in incoherent rhymes. With large tits. We are also looking for people with as many of the following characteristics as possible: violent, homophobic, homosexual, homophobic homosexual, alcoholic (recovering or relapsed), drug abuser, a witch, druid, nun, monk, rabbi or all five, sexually repressed, extreme left or right-winger or both, and an insecure delusional fantasist who is treacherously overweight yet convinced they’re phenomenally attractive. We want next year’s Big Brother to have the first televised murder. Have you got what it takes to die like a rat on live TV?

YOU can be CALLING people who will instantly regret picking the phone up! YOU will be WATCHED like a hawk by some scumbag in a suit who thinks they’re a guard at Auschwitz!! YOU will want to end your miserable life in a matter of seconds!!! Sandra, our Dorking branch manager, says: “I don’t hear no calls, mate!” “Nah yer can’t have anuvver fackin’ toilet break. You ain’t paid to shit!!” “Shattap and get diallin’, yer useless fackin’ cahnt!!!”

(I'm sorry)