Wednesday, August 29, 2012


Well the whole seduction thing's off, that's for starters. I think it had something to do with it all being completely crass.

Although basically it's more to do with me being a lilly-livered coward.

I like some aspects of it, such as the bettering yourself stuff - in my case the weight loss and the dressing better, which resulted in the pipette's droplet of vague confidence that somehow found its way into my beige head like a corpse scavenging worm. That's all been good. But the actual devil-may-care, too cool for school lady-approaching moments? Well that never happened. I was raised by good, strong women to be a decent man, dammit, so basically I'm terrified of that whole hornet's nest.

I don't think I want to be a smarmy sleazy scumbag. You know those guys; any hole's a goal, only care about themselves, constantly having loads of random, meaningless sex with a string of women they've just met on the train, or in bars, or in libraries and coffee shops and pools and unable to take that shit-eating grin off their chops.

Meanwhile my life continues slowly, and uneventfully. And yes, as you ask, I am in contact with my ex-girlfriend (American) again, where she's obviously in between jerks and is forced to re-evaluate me and my need for emotional contact even from 4,000 miles away.

Sort of. She contacted me a little bit, and I replied a bit in return.

So things are, y'know, still kinda meh, in that barely-blogging-anymore, more-or-less-resolved-to-die-now sorta way. The stone-and-a-half I regained this year (when 2012 dawned and I realised I was cold and bored of exercise so I jumped on the Doritos and chocolate brownies Express) has been re-lost, somehow, and I'm in reasonably great shape. What's more, in six days time, SIX BEAUTIFUL DAYS time, I will be sunning myself on a Cretan beach, or hiking down a Cretan gorge, or perambulating along a Cretan temple - basically I won't be at work, that's what I'm trying to say, as I'll be on my summer holiday with my mate Ed.

Because that's what I live for, that annual two-week window from work when I'll be anywhere but There, away from that motherfucking phone, and people who demand I do things for them, having been cruelly awoken from my perfectly good slumb-

- - It's my job, isn't it? It all comes down to that job that I do, that stop-gap, get a job fast that I've somehow bumbled along in for the last seven years.

I've lost the weight, I've quit smoking. I have to do it. I have to quit my find another job.

Oh balls.


Sprinkled Words (former Miss Milk) said...

Get a new job first.

So glad you've given up trying 'game'. Ugh.

Z said...

That's what I was going to say - it's not a case of quitting your job but of finding a new one first. Get along to an agency and see what's about. Hope you have a great holiday.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Do it, Fwenge. Do it and then if you don't like that job, do it again until you find someone you do like. Good luck.

nix0r said...

Good luck, and enjoy the holiday, despite the burned pants.

Ellie said...

When the goals are big and hard, tackling them one at a time is a good strategy. You are doing great! Even if you want to be a Cretan. ;-)

fwengebola said...

SW ~ Yes, to be more accurate I'll find one first, then move on... although I'd like to write brilliant stuff which of course is a doing it in my own time kinda thing.
And yes, full on 'game' with its acronyms and sad males is a complete ugh.
Z ~ Agencies. Eurgh. In fact the whole search is a bit soul-destroying. But I will begin, as well as dipping my toes into a whole host of extra-curricular activities. I need to do something.
PDEWYMO ~ Thank you. Positive, yet disturbingly stressful though it is, I need to get out of my comfort zone.
Nix ~ Burned trousers, yellow pants. But thank you too.
Ellie ~ And thank you. I think it’s a question of babysteps. Not sure I’ve got it in me to grow a Cretan moustache though