Monday, November 07, 2011


Well hello there. I know it’s been a while but I’ve been away, you see – not in the geographical sense, but one of those metaphysical, allegorical journeys to Righting-Wrongston (not far from Cheersville.) In doing so I’ve shed 21 lbs (or a stone and a half in old money), mainly by cutting out almost all shit, and exercising like I’m trying to power a small Welsh village with my legs.
And I’m almost 74% sure I’m not done yet.

Bored and somewhat twitchy though I’m getting with all this healthy living, I’m still keen to lose another stone. I want to be ‘normal’ on those doctors’ charts.

By and large it’s been bearable. It's only happened through a combination of utter stubbornness, positive thinking, and a book*. And as such it’s not been possible to keep up a blog of misery.

Until now that is, because I’ve not slept and my ears are hissing like a burst waterpipe while my head throbs and I’m confused and non-specifically angry – but then again I did spend the weekend avoiding fireworks and human companionship as I sat in front of my computer watching clips of comedian Jim Jefferies at such an awkward angle that I’ve put my back out.

So things are bloody brilliant on a bullshit, superficial level, but less so on a personal one as the boring minutia of my dull life slowly dawns on me;

  • Practically all my friends are married now, and with children, and we’ve all inconveniently moved away from one another.
  • This means my social life is essentially spent waiting for a specific, pre-arranged night out that, besides being as rare as hen’s teeth, is also violently boozy, and I’m afraid I’m finally bored of drinking.
  • You see, barring the occasional tipple, I simply can’t see the point in getting insensibly drunk anymore. It’s getting expensive for one thing, and fattening for another, plus the hangovers seem nigh on unbearable.
  • In addition I’ve got a responsible job with the unfortunate side-effect of being poorly paid (last week I spotted a receptionist vacancy with the same starting salary as mine now), and what with the high cost of living plus Christmas, I’ve begun staying indoors trying to not spend any money.
Which is fine but we’re social animals – even me – and I need to, I dunno, do something that doesn’t involve seeing a chiropractor on Monday morning because I spent a whole weekend alone  in the same twisted, horizontal position while I soberly hunt down gross-out comic routines on the internet. 

Basically what I’m trying to say is I really need a girlfriend.


Which brings me neatly onto that *book I’d read that could be my gamechanger … The Game. 

That's what single-handedly inspired me to diet in the first place, which is odd as it’s a tome I steadfastly refused to read in the past, mainly because it’s about picking up as many women as possible and frankly, that’s crass.

Yet: ‘Never judge a book by its cover’.

I had thought that buying the above would do nothing more than enrich a smug, sleazy fannychaser who was trying to impress me with fatuous tales about the large number of women he’d nobbed, but after being repeatedly talked into getting it by RUSSELL, I discovered that the author was actually one of me; a gimp, a loser, a bit of a twat, until a work assignment came his way that changed his life completely.

He got into shape and smartened up, which is (almost) where I am now. He also started talking to women, an important point which could prove my undoing as I haven’t actually done anything about that yet. Bit important that one, but I hope to do something about that soon - I think.
Y’know, approach women, chat, not cry in front of them, that kind of thing.

Or I could do the other thing that’s currently infected my brain…

I could go out and buy a palletload of Krispy Kremes, and take the lot home and fuck it in a sugarcoated orgy of shame and regret.

Call it a crossroads, if you will.


daisyfae said...

skip the krispy kremes. talk to a woman. you'll regret it FAR less in the morning...

Pearl said...

When the scales are loaded on one side with women and the other side with donuts, I say go crazy and go talk to a woman...


looby said...

By your somewhat gloomy standards Fweng, this is positively radiating with optimism. Listen to the girlies above - talk to women! Your new and shrinking frame deserves to be put about, as does your fantastically attractive sense of self-deprecating honesty which the *right* kind of woman will prefer over the "Euroblond twats" or however you funnily called him who seem to be necking the girls you want. Keep it up (so to speak!)

Redbookish said...

Umm, you can talk to us. WE don't mind! We even like it (unless you're an arse and only talk about yourself). You might even enjoy it too. Women are nice: we're soft, we smell nice, we smile a lot, we want to talk to you.

Anonymous said...

So, it's Internet Dating time again?

Be lucky x

WV Hungleds (say no more)

Ellie said...

The image of you in Krispy Kremes is hot.

Loki Mars said...

I'd advise the follow-up book 'the rules of the game' for a 30 day challenge which gets you to complete tasks each day building you up to that dreaded approach of talking to a female stranger.

Alternatively I'd advise the Natural Art of Seduction by Richard La Ruina, another good book on the subject with tasks for you to do (better than just reading)

I also extremely recommend the following:
David DeAngelo - 77 Laws
David DeAngelo - Deep Inner Game
Daivd DeAngelo - Interviews with Dating Gurus
David DeAngelo - On Being A Man
& anything by Dr.Paul

After this you'll be a new, better Man.

fwengebola said...

Df ~ Is that an allusion to random sex? Because that's waaay off. But thanks for the assumption.
Pearl ~ Although you're still making doughnuts sound tempting.
Loob ~ I'm scared. This optimism isn't natural. However I'm seeming to bottom out and not losing weight again, so perhaps I'm back, back to misery and loneliness. It's crap, but comfortable.
RB ~ You really don't want to talk to me. But you are all soft and nice smelling, for the most part. Just makes me panic though; I'm rough, and smell of cheap musk and desperation.
Anon ~ NO! Internet dating can go fuck itself! Been there, done that. I want to dive into the pond of women physically in front of me for a while.
Ellie ~ I get the feeling you wouldn't think so if you walked into a room where that was happening.
LM ~ I bought the Rules a few months ago. Was going to start it in Dec, but may just begin in a couple of days. As for the rest of your list, I'm looking into that.

haveyouseenthisgirl said...

First visit to your blog and I was warming to your list of why your life is thoughts are similarly directed....until you mentioned that fucking book. Bollocks. Don't read books on how to pick up women, it's shallow and insincere.

But don't listen to me; I live alone in a tiny village in Bulgaria. The only people I can talk to are my OAP neighbours....and seeing as no-one speaks the same language we just smile at each other and exchange bags of garden vegetables. I'm hoping to be invited to the communal pig killing in December. Actually, why not try that as a relationship starter.

fwengebola said...

You totally do live in a village in Bulgaria. I'm impressed.
Well if it helps, the book (that I refused to read for years because I thought it was all about picking up women - which ostensibly it still is) actually helped me to attempt being the best me there is (work in progress).
I do recommend it, even though it is shallow and insincere.
Actually, you're a lady. Don't read it. It will annoy you.
All I need to do is somehow convince you to be the best you I can, in such a way that doesn't involve in many ways conning women into taking to you :(