Tuesday, May 10, 2011


Curse these posts. They're less about something to say, and more a vague update, particularly now I'm getting (gratefully) nagged.

Suffice to say I'm in limbo, drifting like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream, but it's a good limbo, like that drunk Victoria Beckham-a-like in a denim skirt with no knickers lady. (WARNING: Link NSFW!)

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty Not-Shit™, and for two fleeting reasons:

Fleeting Reason 1) ~ I've stopped working my shit novel. It was shit, for one thing. Actually, that's the main thing. I just wasn't feeling it anymore, and it was making me unhappy.

Since completing my (worse than shit) 1st draft over a year ago, I realised that my real life was more interesting that the world I'd invented. Thus I began to rewrite what was, in essence, a fictionalised account of my own biography, which as a nobody I found overwhelmingly egotistical on one hand, and pretty lame on the other.

I had Imposter Syndrome big time, that's what I'm trying to say. Whenever I tried to write, I felt like an amateur just play-acting, and when I thought about it, I was a lousy storyteller with no better story than my own.

But I'm pretty happy. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I'm not saying I'll never go back to the story, but in the short term I'm backing off, like people with vaginas near me in a bar.

Fleeting Reason 2) ~ I'm back on a diet again, and there's nothing quite like Doing Those Things You Know Are Good For You to give you an endorphin shot in the brain.

I regained over Xmas (and January, and February, and the last couple of months) all the weight I'd lost the previous summer and, in true Really-Not-Good-For-The-Heart fashion I'm going to relose all that shit again. It transpires I'm a Hibernator. When the cold nights draw in, I like to snuggle up on the sofa with deep-fried tubes of Pringles and a barrel of scotch. Now I'm going to fuck myself healthy with lettuce for dinner and running on a treadmill till I cry pure lard.

All this means I can concentrate on really important matters-

a) ~ Get a new job.
This may prove awkward as I returned from the Easter break to discover our 'New' colleague of the last couple of years has resigned. It's now my boss and me. And I'm not sure how to play it - the timing certainly sucks - but I have to move on.
As I may have mentioned several billion times, the pay's not great, my hours are too long, and I'm bored and irritable there. It'll be a death sentence of the soul if I stay on.

b) ~ Get a bloody girlfriend.
Because this is getting silly now. I'm completely out of practice too. A couple of weeks ago I went to a gig and met a female friend of a friend and I sweated, actually sweated, in blind, abject panic, all because I was talking to a woman - So basically I'm regressing back into a virgin.
I've got a lot of work to do, but jogging myself out of my man-tits may help, even if just turning 37 doesn't.

But on a happier note I emailed the American ex and told her to extricate off, so that's that loving chapter finally closed.

And there's nothing else. Really. Just a dull update following my recent birthday where I decided to have a post-work pub gathering which was tremendous - barring my decision to furnish my guests with some buffet snacks. I hadn't specified a limit and ended up paying £130 for a metric ton of onion rings.

I also accidentally wound up in Spearmint Rhino on the eve of my birthday, where a Brazilian lady whacked me repeatedly round my head with her fake breasts for approximately 20 seconds, a rate of £1 per second, an act I found so unerotic it was strangely erotic, as well as seedy and completely pointless and slightly humiliating.

But on the plus side, I have since had an AIDS test, following that sex I had with a Thai prostitute. I panicked when I first received my results, as it didn't read correctly. But the truth quickly kicked in, so come and get me ladies --


PS - although you already knew that. I've been out of the loop of my own blog, I forgot I mentioned that nearly 2 months ago.
Tschh. Idiot.
PPS - Oh yeah, and I mentioned the ex-girlfriend thing in the post before. Not really sure why I bother.


Z said...

If links are Not Suitable For Your Mother (or similarly certain-aged women), do please say so, because I was a bit startled there. I suppose the clue was there in the no knickers, but I'm quite thick and need clear guidance. I didn't quite get the resemblance to Victoria Beckham, but no matter.

Lovely to have you back here again, sorry to nag but since it got results, I'm not that sorry.

Congratulations on being 37. And women love virgins (or virgin lookalikes). Don't think feeling awkward puts you at a disadvantage.

Peach said...

come on then fatboy-soon-to-be-slim, lets go boozing again and find some men for me and lasses for you XX

ps I am on facebook OUTLOUD, as SarahJPeach - to revisit an old theme...

heybartender said...

Glad you're back. This post made me laugh out loud.

Anonymous said...

A lot of women I know are quite partial to blushing, bashful boys. It's the arrogant full of themselves sh!ts we don't like.

Keep your pecker up.

Linda J

looby said...

I got a "You don't have permission to access [that picture] on this server, which after Z's post might be a blessing in disguise.

You have mentioned American Ex before, but it's still a relief to know that you're following through with the plan to get her out of your life. It's a very very hard thing to do - and the bloody internet makes it so easy to abandone good resolutions. So well done, keep it up.

fwengebola said...

Z ~ You will be pleased to know in total 'Shutting stable door' fashion that I have updated that link as NSFW. And sorry.
Also the woman in said link looks a bit like a (young) Victoria Beckham, although it's hard to tell as she's smiling.
I will have to work on the awkwardness though, or else be perpetually drunk.
I think.
Peach ~ AHA! Hello. I could mention the fact that my back seized up and I swiftly ducked out of the diet as a result but I won't blog that just yet, so everything's on hold again - just don't tell anyone. Then we can go clubbing, or something. (I'm beginning to see a self-fulfilling pattern here)
HB ~ Jesus Christ, you're easily pleased. But ta.
Linda ~ Really? Really? No, seriously though, I'm getting a lot worse. It's starting to worry me - but I'll bear that in mind nonetheless.
Looby ~ Yes, DON'T LOOK AT THAT AT WORK. Sorry.
And the ex - 4 months silence and counting, plus we ignored one another's joint birthdays. It'll quite literally have to be her to resume contact now.

Which would be nice, if only for my pride neurons.

luna said...

We already knew you were negative.
Your entire blog is a monument of negativity from start to finish.
So what's new.

I'm quite disappointed that you found no more imaginative way to celebrate your Bday than to hang around the same old pub and get fleeced by a Brazilian stripper, how cliche.

well happy 37 nonetheless (I forgot about it ... )

fwengebola said...

I'm pleased that you popped in nonetheless. It's not the same round here without your pronouncements.
(And thank you)

Anonymous said...

Well in case you might want to try it
the protein diet really works for rapid weight loss.

Too bad it also F* up your heart, but you can't have everything.

fwengebola said...

Maybe some kind of low fat, low carb, higher protein and more exercise thing would do the trick?