Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Life To Do List

What follows is a personal Life To-Do list, a large majority of which will never happen even if I get to relive my paltry existence a billion times over. Several aren’t compatible. Many aren’t even possible. I also note with disgust the heavy slant towards the narcissistic and vainglorious. This was an exercise that started off fun, then (unsurprisingly) depressed me once I realised how materialistic it all became, not to mention violent in places.
There are also several references to the US that makes me wonder if I’ve been brainwashed by the American dream from the wrong side of the Atlantic.
Everything else just makes me sound like a cunt.
In no particular order:-

Win the lottery
Ride in a helicopter
Take in a cricket match
Sleep with a model
Sleep with two models at the same time
Lose loads of weight and get really buff, blah blah blah etc etc etc
Drink mint juleps under a weeping willow outside a white picket fence town hall in a quiet Southern State
Go fishing
Throw a concrete egg at the swollen, engorged head of Jay Kay from Jamiroquai
Have a lads’ holiday in Vegas
Play a round of golf (well)
Look at the Grand Canyon
DJ at an Ibizan superclub
White water raft
Cure cancer. Actually, cure MS first and help my Mum to walk, then cure cancer
Finish and publish my crap book and become the greatest comic writer that ever lived
Drop acid on the proviso that I absolutely will not have a bad trip at all
Island hop on a private yacht around the Med and assorted Greek islands
Visit all 50 US states in a Cadillac (shipping the car over to the two freak states)
Have my picture taken with Boris Becker
Perform competent and amusing stand-up that is unencumbered by debilitating, crippling nerves and a shyness that is criminally vulgar
Execute Morrissey
Ride a camel
Visit Tromsø to see the Aurora Borealis
Single-handedly broker a long-lasting and genuine Middle East peace
Find the slags that stole my last two bikes and beat the unmitigated fuck out of them with a brushed aluminium bat until they plead in the name of every holy book and every non-existent deity in the sky to never again help themselves to anyone else’s belongings
Sire a battalion of charming, trouble-free children and raise them in my large detached house in central London (having first married Kelly Brook who still gets giddy with oestrogen flushes every time I wander past)
Open a bar in Thailand
Fire a gun
Fire a gun at Sir Fred Goodwin
Jump up and down on the bullet-riddled corpse of Sir Fred Goodwin
Appear in one of those ‘Top 100’ programmes as a talking head spouting devastatingly witty bon mots
Go to the Rio carnival and overdose on caipirinhas and cocaine (in a fun way)
Own a variety of morning suits, dinner suits et al, and wear them at appropriate events as I swan about with an overinflated sense of my own self-importance
Become a brick shithouse master sensei ninja or something, and take out the trash as I traverse the land righting wrongs and defending the underdog
Visit Egypt, Iran, Japan, China, Russia, Belarus, Australia, Canada, Brazil, Hull

And theoretically bungee jump, surf 40-ft waves, leap from an aeroplane, and paraglide, although I suspect it'll all be a bit scary, the end.


daisyfae said...

excellent list! well... except the caddilac. '56 drop top lincoln. with the two super models riding in the back...

Z said...

I've done two of those. I'm sure you can way better that.

luna said...

why don't you just wish for no longer wishing for anything, that'll save you some trouble

McTodd said...

I'll join you for the violent stuff.

digressica said...

I have a list like this, but it has the rather more vague name of "Some Things I Might Want To Do Someday". Many of them are easily achievable (e.g. dye my hair red, skydive, stay in a glass igloo, be a vegetarian for a year), some require a bit more tenacity and hard work (e.g. learn Arabic, buy an island and turn it into a theme park, run a marathon), but my favourite ones are the more abstract, e.g. accidentally come across a friendly whale while sailing a vast expanse of ocean, travel back in time to Victorian England and freak people out by pretending to have just written Queen's entire back catalogue, etc.

Goals are important. Stupid goals are also important.

The 50-state road trip thing is on my list too. Except I erroneously thought there were 52 states.

livesbythewoods said...

Excellent list.

I might nick your idea, although my own wishlist is likely to be less exciting, and probably involve fewer supermodels.

heybartender said...

"...crippling nerves and a shyness that is criminally vulgar
Execute Morrissey"

Fucking hilarious.

Anonymous said...

This list really cheered me up after a shit couple of days. Thank you. The blog title alone was enough to make me laugh for ten minutes.

I will definitely be back.

Anonymous said...

Island hop on a private yacht around the Med and assorted Greek islands

I did this and it was ACE.

Ann Anon

p.s. Riding a camel was not so good tho' - their burps stink.

Anonymous said...

I predict an afternoon of cricket will fill your life shortly.

Anonymous said...

Even if you could just do numbers 4 and 5 it would be something.

becks said...

I wish you would stop being such a lazy prick and fucken post more often

fwengebola said...

Df ~ I totally defer to your knowledge of American cars, and what appears to be Sapphic tendencies. Thanks.
Z ~ WHAT TWO? You've killed Fred the Shred, haven't you?
Luna ~ That doesn't work. My brain won't allow it.
McTodd ~ It starts NOW.
Dig ~ Beautiful. I'd argue that stupid goals are vital. I'd also remind you of the TV programme Hawaii 5-0. Oft helps me remember that there are 50 states. And that Danno does bookings.
LBTW ~ Oh ta. Tell me, did you do your own list? It's not personal. I'm just late with everything and phenomenally lazy.
HB ~ Blame Morissey and his maudlin fucking lyrics.
BiPolar ~ Christ, hello, welcome and thank you. I'm afraid I've long jumped the shark though, but I'll try and post as often as I can* (once a year)
Ann Anon ~ Are you Jackie Onassis? Or Omar Sharif?
Anon ~ Well it bloody hasn't, and you wrote that over 2 weeks ago :(
PJK ~ Do you reckon? IT WOULD MEAN EVERYTHING. I'm that shallow.
Becks ~ I know, I know. I will explain one day in due course. Christ, it's taken me 5 weeks to reply to each comment...