Sunday, January 02, 2011

Happy New Same-Old-Shit (Or Why Karma's Nonsense)

Sorry for the somewhat downcast title, but despite a largely pleasant 2010 that saw me...

* Move into my own flat (don't think I ever mentioned it)
* Lose nearly a stone and a half in weight (18lbs, to be precise)
* Even GET LAID for the first time in, christ, 5 or 6 years (except - oh never mind, unless you've stumbled here after Googling 'GET LAID', you'll know exactly what that except is.)

... I've managed to have a pretty miserable couple of weeks to end it all on.

Gripe 1: I've undone that 18lb loss by regaining it all. I honestly don't know how, but I think slamming the door shut on unseasonably cold weather (I quite like that excuse) and stuffing my upper anus with absolute junk has probably contributed to said weight gain. I would've cycled more, as I did in the summer, but...

Gripe 2: some worthless, evil, slit-eyed little slag decided, apropos of absolutely nothing at all, to declare war on me personally by breaking into our development's bike shed and stealing my beloved bike.
My last bike was stolen a few years ago and, in true 'Shutting the stable door after the horse had bolted' fashion, I bought myself an expensive lock.

Here's a picture of what remained of my bike. You will notice the expensive lock, still intact, and still attached to my rear wheel. What you won't notice is the rest of my bike, stolen by twiddling the quick release bolt on said wheel. The whole process would've taken about 20 seconds, and wouldn't even require tools:


Gripe 3: When I went to claim under my recently purchased home insurance policy, the insurers claimed I never mentioned any bike, and (I'm paraphrasing), "Go Fuck Yourself". However,

Brag 1: ... the nice lady I visited in branch made a couple of calls and gave me £200 on the spot. ON THE SPOT!
So I went out and bought her chocolates. It's not often I'm Up in life. In fact, it's phenomenally rare, and that was totally deserving of confectionery.

Gripe 4: There's been 3 deaths in the last week or two, no direct relatives thankfully but people close enough that I've been ordered to attend wakes and wear suits (that no longer fit, even after two months), indulging what I find to be hideously uncomfortable social situations. For some reason my parents get very insistent about my attendance surrounding all things Death, and any whimpering that 'I don't want to!' doesn't seem to work anymore - not that it ever did.
So that's that hanging over me like a sword of deceased Damocles.

Brag 2?: There's talk that my Ex-Girlfriend (American) may come over to see my new flat. This is great, as a) I'd love her to come over but, b) I don't think she cares. Basically my flat has become so fucking cosy that it seems empty without her. Of course, it's empty without any female presence, but I'd have to go through all that dating bullshit and I can't quite get my head around that yet. Ugh, relationship job interview - No thanks.

Gripe 5: Ah, this one's a particular favourite of mine, one I like to file under TYPICAL. ABSOLUTELY BLOODY TYPICAL.
So a friend asks me if I can help her cousin move apartments through the medium of my work van. Why yes I could as it happens, as my boss is away and in his absence, he'd asked me to look after the van over Xmas. Thus her request was a no-brainer. I had the van just sitting around, plus I was desperately bored anyway.

So I drove to Ilford, picked up some stuff, drove on to Crouch End, got even more stuff, then took everything to Pinner where I helped empty the van of boxes.

I said goodbye to my friend and her cousin and wished them well, and went to drive home, my good deed all done. I got about 20 yards down their very road when I was forced to stop. There were parked cars on either side and room enough for just one vehicle - me - and I paused as a stationary car faced me dopily.

I muttered to myself as it edged gingerly out of my way and pulled to one side, stopping once he'd decided I had plenty of room when, in fact, I had to squeeze my huge van through the tiny gap he'd left me.

Inching forward having passed his vehicle, I picked up speed - not much on the ice though - and continued on my journey to the end of the road but not getting there. The driver of the other vehicle had ran out to bang the back of my van in anger.

Apparently, allegedly, I'd hit him - a mere brush if you will - with my rear bumper. That brush I had neither felt nor heard, such was its nothingness, and all I saw when I was pulled over was a minimal scratch on the side of his brand new sports car.

I've since been called back with a quote: approximately £200. This is the same price, you may recall, as I received in bike theft replacement. I'll tell my boss when he returns next week to see if he can claim through our insurance.
I fully expect a 'Fuck yourself' however, as I was using the van outside of work on a personal errand, to help a friend in need, on my bastard day off.

So that is why I don't believe in karma, and why I expect very fucking little from 2011 unless I act on it.

If that has taught me anything, it's that any success in life, any riches or rewards or approval won't just come to you because you're vegetarian, or you're kind to mice, or you once went to an anti-War rally in LA. Success comes only through hard graft and effort.
Unles you're a royal or your Dad was in the Beatles.

And if you wait around for something to happen, you'll just get your bike stolen instead.

13 comments:

soupemes said...

The only thing that has changed is the date. And that changes everytime we tick past midnight as it is.

That said, as I mentioned on Twitter, I didn't get the hang of 2010. Everytime it came to write the date*, I had to really think about what year it was and sometimes I just wasn't sure.

Happy same as every other year to you, Fweng. I'm sorry about your bike. I have a couple of Konas going if you want to pick one up cheap.

x

*I say this like one writes the date a lot. This is not true. I think I only write dates on cheques and press releases. Who writes the former anymore? And the latter is covered by the template automatically dropping the date in for me.

i am not your freud said...

well done fweng, you figured it all out. congratulations. now get on with it. practice what you preach. (poke)

Huw said...

Er... let me get this straight: you chain your bike up *by the wheel*? Sorry, which city have you spent the last however many years living in? I thought it was London, but maybe it was actually Sylvania?

Z said...

Even I put the bike lock through the frame as well as the wheel, and where I live is so safe that I don't bother to lock it at all when I'm shopping. Having said that, I'm awfully sorry to hear about all that.

I'm not going to say anything about your ex. However, I've a feeling that some people will. I'm at a bit of a loss really. It's all beyond my usual irritatingly optimistic encouragement.

daisyfae said...

oh, balls. i was so excited when you got the insurance claim on teh spot - and thought it lovely that you bought the claims adjustor chocolates... it's a shame you couldn't have shoved a few up the arse of the targa driver.

here's to better things ahead this year!

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Sorry your bike got nicked. It's one of the things that pisses me off so bloody much, so many of my mates have had it happen to them no matter what bit of the bike they chain their lock to.

PS. I know a Porche Targa driver from that neck of the woods.

Can't be too many of them about :-D

fwengebola said...

Soupy ~ I've yet to write 2011 down. I'm sure I'll get it wrong. Took me 12 months to master the last date. Are Kona's nickable? And do they have happy horizontal handlebars? Or those technical frightening professional ones with thin wheels and everything? ('Cos I'm crap on them)
Elif ~ But I'm SCARED OF FAILURE & WRACKED WITH SELF-DOUBT.
Plus basically I think my novel story's shit. May just plagiarise my own blog.
Huw ~ Look, that bike rack design is awful, as the only connectable/ locking-to part is via the guttering you put the wheels (thus, whole bike) in. It's pretty shit, to be honest, as all the bikes at either ends of the racks were more secured as they had vertical posts to chain them to.
Shit.
Z ~ Wow, that's a bad sign that you can't even think of anything good to say.
But I think your intuition is probably correct. She seems less inclined to chat now that we're into a new year, and I can't be bothered to make even more of an effort again.
Daisy ~ Yes, it's all so colossally ironic. No good deed goes unpunished. Mind you, I did get £20 and alcohol for helping her cousin move. And all it'll cost me is an additional £200.
No matter how you look at it, I'm down.
Jo ~ Really? Interesting. Have they had it a week?
Call me old fashioned, but I'd like to see capital punishment reintroduced - for bike theft.

Anonymous said...

Yeah - Book this Blog of yours up.

Do it x

Ann Anon

Anonymous said...

Fweng, don't hanker after your American ex any more. That way madness lies.

Come to Sydney and we'll go for a swim. Gaaarn, I'll buy you a beer or three :-)

Linda J

McTodd said...

Bloody hell, sorry to hear about your Van Karma! I do think that your friend should put at least some money towards the £200, as you wouldn't have incurred it if you hadn't been doing her a favour. But don't ask, just casually mention the incident (some years ago a friend of mine did me a favour by driving me into London to pick up a computer; not being local she forgot about the congestion charge and got fined £50 or so - without her asking, I gave her the money as I felt responsible).

As for weight-loss: I gave up carbs (bread, rice, pasta, potatoes, cereal etc.) on 22 November and so far have lost 5.5kg (around 12 pounds) without even exercising! It's surprisingly easy to stick to (I generally have no willpower), so you might want to consider it.

luna said...

hahaha! Man in a van vs Porsche twat = sitcom classic!for real!

i laughed

seriously,why are you even considering giving in to that jerk?
Are you sure it was the van that did it?was there red porsche stain on your Back bumper?
apart from the twat any witnesses?
he's taking you for a ride.

there must be a way to find a more reasonable quote for his repairs (have you got the pic of the scratch?) and then give him that if at all.

if you refuse to cough up, what can he do? i bet nothing at all.

if jo knows where he lives, you know there's fun to be had with a set of keys...

asian dyna said...

Sorry to hear about your bad streaks. But happy to learn about the good ones. All the best for 2011!
Cheers! :)

fwengebola said...

Ann ~ Not likely to upload the book anywhere. For one thing, it's not finished, and if it ever is and I deem it 'not that bad', I'll try and get it published through the usual channels. I cannot do a mundane day job any longer.
Linda J ~ Oh hello Linda. I would bloody love to nip down to Sydney, never mind getting a free schooner or 3 (except I'll feel guilty after 1 and get you one back). The ex is unlikely to appear anyway. So how much is an Oz rtn?
McT ~ It was Trotter! Anyway I'm not going to ask her for the money, especially as - still unresolved - it's now starting to get a little crazy. But I understand what you're saying. I'm not even going there. It all is what it is and I'm generically furious with just about everyone and everything involved, myself included.
And congratulations. The weight is still piling on here. I guess I'm going to have to man up and just go on another fucking diet.
Luna ~ The quotes are getting waaaaay more unreasonable, and if I could walk away in a 'his word against mine' scenario I would, but there are legal implications, viz: you can't just pretend it didn't happen. Thus it's still not over. Brilliant.
Dyna ~ Hello. Where are your clothes?