Monday, August 09, 2010

A Terrifying Realisation of Existence

So I'm dieting and I've lost over a stone now (15lbs, in Colonial money), and I have been uncharacteristically pleased with myself. My clothes are getting baggier as my waist shrinks and my upper body becomes more defined. Even my penis has made a reappearance.

And in a moment of continued positivity, I'd mused upon my near 10-month cigarette abstinence, and wondered how in the name of Dawkins I'd managed to turn everything around.

I didn't stay happy, of course, because no sooner had I thought that, than lurking in the background like Gary Glitter in a kindergarten bush was the thought that I couldn't last the distance; that I'd either reach my target weight and celebrate with pizza enemas until I'd stuffed myself fatter than before, or else I'd have given up in a matter of days, only to go on a Doritos feeding fuckfest (thus stuffing myself fatter than before.)

Plus I'd be smoking for good measure too, just to wallow in self-defeat, because I have to assume I'd be following in the footsteps of all my previous attempts to better myself, attempts that have all had a 100% success rate in failing.

But that hadn't been the Terrifying Realisation of Existence - not even close. All of the above are just the usual, bored, sabotagey thoughts of the cake-deprived. No, what actually terrified me was worse, far worse, and was based on something wonderful and positive - Because that's what my brain does. It imagines something marvellous, then stamps on its little positive head.

And here's what it was:

I keep not smoking.
And I don't smoke again.
I feel pretty good about that, because it was a Big Thing and a Bad Thing and I'd beaten it.

And I do lose all that weight, and what with my natural stockiness that as an overweight gentleman renders me a walking rectangle makes me, when thin, golly, it's almost too beautiful to contemplate - (cough) - Sexy.

But, and here's the thing... then what?

Then What?

And that's what's terrified me. For years now, I have put up with these supposed obstacles that I've convinced myself have prevented me from "Living", and from having this fantastic and fulfilled and effortlessly brilliant life...

... but what if they're not the problem? What if they've never been the problem, just some superfluous stuff, mere coping mechanisms that had gone out of control?

Because the real fucking problem has been life itself.

I can't handle life, that's my problem. I can't handle all its bullshit, and the bills, and the natural disasters and murders on the news and other people doing well even though they're Machiavellian bastards, and throughout it all is the stinging loneliness as I can't meet anyone because I've got a limbo-dancer's arsehole-distance-from-the-floor opinion of myself and I sell paper bags for a liv...

Oh crap. It's my job.


That's the real problem, my Job; it's what I do, what I earn, all that makes me what I am on this spinning useless arse of solar-revolving cock.

I've gotta get a proper job, one that I enjoy and I'm proud of. A writey job. A decent job.

Oh Fucksticks.


si said...

people will stop boris becker in the street and say hey arent you the guy that wrote the screen adaptation of i hate the erf

daisyfae said...

kicking the smokes is grand, and 15 pounds VAPORIZED is pretty spectacular, as is the reappearance of your willy.

don't throw it all in just yet, you big depressive lug! you're knocking down two of the big obstacles, start poking away at the pesky job thing as well!

isabelle said...

Hey, you're almost there, really I reckon you are.
See it as two down, one to go. And even though it's the biggy, it's do-able.
And you ARE a great writer !

looby said...

All those things about life are crap. I was sitting with my children this morning and all the ads on morning children's tv are for one disaster-struck subgroup after another. Who do you give your two pounds a month to? Starving Africans? Mistreated dogs? Or Pakistanis up to their necks in mudwater?

Bit as Daisyfae said, that's two huge challenges that you're tackling head on. I haven't ever smoked but if anyone told me I'd have to give up main vice (drinking) I would find that a task of absolutely Herculean effort of will that I know I don't I don't have, so well done.

Dandelion said...

I can't cope with life either.

Anonymous said...

Its the Jewish element. Loves to moan.

WV Satian

luna said...

Transfer the cost/benefit plus other tricks on to your next problem.

If you were able to make major changes where you believed it impossible, you might find a way through another seemingly hopeless situation.Ther is no escaping the fact that life is scary because we all grow old and die, and we never know when we're gonna kick the bucket.
So it is up to each of us to find our coping mechanisms apart from drink-drugs-smoke and so on.

It's not impossible to find another kind of job.You could go part time.

McTodd said...

Read How To Be Free by Tom Hodgkinson. Not sure how practical it is, but it provides much food for thought.

Liana said...

Why not try making money with your blog? Ads etc.

Congrats with the weightloss.

digressica said...

Oh just bloody do it already. I can't tell you what a brilliant writer you are any more than I already have. Man the fuck up.

Oh... hope you're well. :)

Anonymous said...

This rain is fun.

Cheryl said...

Life, that's the problem!

Hang in there. At least you have your own house which is more than most people at your stage of life can say!

Quote said...


Anonymous said...

This sun is fun.

Anonymous said...

Hello?? Are you still alive? I'm waiting to have a good laugh at your expense again please.

Hope you've not given up on your new healthier way of living and stuffing your face stupid again, wallowing in self pity etc. Don't blow it. You were doing brilliantly. Most impressive.

Still. I bet you're just lovely. Chubby or slim. As long as you're funny, most women couldn't care less.

Please write again.

fwengebola said...

Si ~ That would be fucking spectacular. Unlikely, but spectacular.
Not to mention odd.
Dais ~ Thanks, but ugh, everything's so much bloody effort.
It's taken me nearly a month just to reply.
Isa ~ Thank you tremendously Isabelle. I do remember those emails. Thank you very much.
Loob ~ Jesus christ, give up drinking? I think everyone should allow themselves at least one vice. I think I'd have to wake up from a 3 year whiskey coma before considering knocking that on the head.
Dand ~ I do hope that's a passing comment. There's something sinister about its conciseness.
Anon ~ Is that WV bit your calloff? Hello.
Luna ~ Oh, I'm not scared of life because of death. (Although I would be if my life was brilliant). I'm just snowed under by life because of its unceasing mundaneness despite its capacity to be utterly brilliant if I will it, and frustrated by my lack of making it just so.
I can't believe that comment's relegated to this dark area here.
McT ~ Yes, it's in my To Buy list. I read How to Be Idle way back when.
Liana ~ Thank you, but I can't. For one thing, I won't be able to live on 12 pence a month. And secondly, I WILL NEVER SELL OUT!!!!!!!
(I will probably sell out)
Dig ~ Christ. Thanks.
Anon ~ Although you sent that a while ago, I did receive the alert during said rainstorm. And you know what? It was fun.
Cheryl ~ Life's a bunch of arse, although I'd argue that lots of late-30-somethings have their own gaffs.
I still love your art.
And your new picture's rather pleasant.
Q ~ :oI
Anon ~ I didn't get that when the sun was out. Or was it irony?
Anon ~ Hello. Thank you. I don't think I'm wallowing, just struggling to keep up. I will try and write soon. It's just I've got a whole bunch of shit not happening at the moment.