Thursday, June 10, 2010

More Of The Same

When I was a teenager and I used to moan to my Mum about needing to diet for the five billionth time, or else I was bitching about school/ college/ work or the lack of a good woman in my putrid fucking life, she’d roll her eyes and sing Sinatra's "I've heard that song before."

Don’t ask me why.

Point is, I clearly complain a lot - and normally about the same old shit.
But I still need to go on a diet.
And my job sucks.
And I really need a girlfriend, but I'm getting increasingly shyer/ fatter/ older.

And for added decoration, since turning 36 and thus the wrong side of my Thirties and nearer my Forties, some kind of switch has flicked in my head. You see, I always used to console myself that things can get better, that we are the author of our own destinies plus something will always turn up, but as time passes and we get older and the positivity begins to fade, I’m beginning to think that all that might be some huge preposterous lie.

If only I had kids, I’d be living my now dead dreams through them.
But, oh yeah, I don’t.

Frankly, I’m just getting too old for this. I can’t help but notice, as all my friends plead Marriage and Children as reasons why we don’t keep in touch anymore, that everyone else is getting on with their lives while I remain mired in situations that are frankly beneath me.

A while back, for example, my sister and nieces visited, when sister had to leave for ten minutes. Oldest daughter (12) went with her, while her youngest (9) stayed at my desk messing around on my computer (I logged her on as a guest, meaning she couldn’t access my filth, even if she tried). I, meanwhile, had a badly needed shower.

When I returned, my niece seemed frightened and muted, almost as if her very soul had been permanently scarred in the five minutes she’d been alone.

It was a week later when I opened a drawer at my desk, and found pornography I didn’t even know I had. Teens With Tits 4 was winking up at me, bold as brass, with a less-than-subtle picture of a spit-roast just in case the title wasn’t specific enough. Sadly, my youngest niece is the cheeky, drawer-spying type. I know she’s seen it and I haven’t seen or heard from them since.

This wouldn't have happened if I was married, and with a proper job.

Neither would I be getting drunk. Age is making the whole process feel, I dunno, unbecoming, or something. Maybe it's not even age, but situation. Living a mid-Thirties existence that's virtually identical to my student years doesn't exactly make me feel like a grown up, particularly when I'm waking up with a hangover and a sense of dread, like I stripped naked on the train home or danced on a pub table or something. The reality is never quite that bad, although I’m clearly giving off vibes of total desperation. Last night, I went out for a drink with Martin, and found myself accosted by a group of proselytising Christians. I refused to answer honestly when they asked if there was anything I wanted praying for (I pretended to think for a bit then said, “Nope, everything’s great”), and found myself smiling politely when a nervous young woman laid a meek hand on my fat shoulder and asked her friend Jeffrey or someone to come into my life and give me a great big spiritual hug forever.

I was very touched on a metaphorical level, even if it was all pointless in reality. I also decided against telling them I’m an atheist Jew.

After being prayed upon, I asked if she could help "The man downstairs", but she looked at me quizzically and asked if I was joking. Martin then walked back upstairs from the toilets and scowled at them, and they all left.

Ten minutes later, we walked outside and got accosted by a different group with the same conversion tactic. Either the local church was on a promotional tour, or I looked really needy. I actually think it was the latter.

Things are so bad, that a friend of mine wants me to go to therapy. I’m really struggling against it. It’s like Martin’s suggestion yesterday that I buy myself a hooker for the night. Both options feel like an admission of defeat somehow.

Tonight, I went to a radio scriptwriting seminar with Ed. Then we went to the pub and had beer. In both locations, I was hoping to just bump into Her, The One, the future Mrs Ebola, but if she was around this evening, she chose to display her interest by avoiding eye contact, or scowling.

Fuck me, something outta change. This is boring enough to write. Christ alone knows what it must be like to read yet more depressing angst every other week.



Jane said...

Hilarious. I've basically just posted a female version of this. God we're all pathetic.

Cheryl said...

Teens With Tits? I'm both amused and horrified. Please tell me you don't have a subscription!

One practical suggestion, maybe try a change of diet? Don't know what you usually eat but sometimes small changes can do a lot. More protein, less carbs, for example, makes it easier to lose weight without needing to diet, which, really, is just way too much effort anyway.

And most students, btw, don't own their own homes :)

Funny as always...

daisyfae said...

i know this sounds trite, and dumb, but honest to fuck, it's healthy - and while it may not make you lose weight or immediately get you laid? it might help...

when was the last time you indulged in a hobby? (no, wanking isn't. i used to claim that... i was a 7th degree masturbation blackbelt for a time). writing, reading are ok - but something with social connectivity.

or take a french class or something like that. volunteer to paint old peoples homes on the weekend. even if you don't meet the future Mrs. Ebola? you might meet some new local friends, and i can guarantee you'll feel better about how you spent your afternoon.

Miss Milk said...

Do the therapy. Seriously.

McTodd said...

daisyfae said...
...volunteer to paint old peoples homes on the weekend.
Don't do it!

Hitler painted people's houses and look what happened to him.

Kirses said...

I feel a bit like that sometimes, but then I remember my (unofficial) mantra, Life' too short, and I do something else, even if its just taking a walk or coooking a great meal, or drinking half a bottle of wine...

Also - I very rarely so no to social invitations, with the proviso that if I'm not having fun I get to leave (sometimes wihtout saying goodbye).

Probably not helpful, but infinitely better than the comment I would have left after many glasses of wine the other night.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Depressing post Fwenge, but I wouldn't have it any other way. That neice / porn story was hilarious.

looby said...

Scriptwriting workshop: step in the right direction! Being able to write can be quite an advantage with the girlies.

And if you got married, your porn consumption would actually go up.

Z said...

Right lot of little goers, some of those Christian girls. You could do worse. Although if their idea of a night out is going and harassing poor devils who just want a few pints and a relax, the potential for embarrassment could be just too much.

Anonymous said...

Hey mate, you've got nothing to lose, no offense. If i was you, i'd straight lose my shit and do whatever the fuck i wanted, not give a fuck about any of the useless pathetic fucks who's lives are just as depressing as yours but they're too damn stupid to realise it. I'd straight up go for it, get into a rage state, look at myself and say fuck this, ive wasted enough time.
Lose it bro, and you might just gain it. Good luck, you're a champion you know. love your blogs.
love this the most "Sooner or later, porn stops becoming erotic and starts to look like what it is; the sad gyrations of financially needy, morally bankrupt exhibitionists being fucked by men with no conscience. Even sadder is when you're pondering all this while your jeans are round your ankles and you're sighing, masturbating half-heartedly and sighing as hot tears of regret roll down your fat face, 37 more rounds of Spider Solitaire temporarily on hold while you squirt limply into a tissue before shuffling dejectedly into the kitchen to reheat a beige fucking cube."

Anonymous said...

You're right - this is boring to read now. Just do something positive about your situation before it really IS too late.

For a start, there always appears to be a batch of willing-but-desperately-trying-not-to-appear-willing girls commenting on your blog. Shag one of them.

luna said...

Re your niece the same thing happened to me at about her age: i picked up a "comic" book at a campfire on holiday only to drop it in utter shock.

i was put off boys for a long, long while after that...In fact, thanks for clearing this up because that explains a lot haha..Have you mentioned it to your sister?

If your niece is not appraised with the base facts of
human reproduction already, there needs to be some kind of damage control otherwise she'll turn into a lesbian or a man hating dominatrix.
Or a Child of Christ or something.

Anonymous said...

Do therapy. What do you have to lose? At the very least it's someone else to tell all this stuff too and they might actually be able to persuade you to do something about it. Even though it doesn't feel like it, life always has the potential to get better..... Come on Fweng DO SOMETHING!!!

fwengebola said...

Jane ~ Oh I'm reading. And very interesting it is too.
I don't think we're pathetic. Well, I am. But I'd rather other people were more positive.
Cheryl ~ Hello Cheryl, and thank you. I don't have a subscription. I didn't even know I had it. Which I think could be worse. As for the diet, I feel good things around the corner - if my willpower can take it.
df ~ Yes, a hobby. I want to do kickboxing again, but time and money are big issues. Am I alone in feeling as if I don't have the time anymore? But you're right. I should dip in to loads of different things. It's just a question of - ugh - summoning up the willpower. Which I'm in the process of thinking about.
MM ~ I'm curious, but I really don't know. That's like standing up in AA and admitting I'm an alcoholic. Which, of course, I am.
mcT ~ Did Hitler paint homes like a painter/decorator? Or did he sit back and paint them onto canvas, whilst getting taunted by local Jewish children?
Oh forget it. I don't care.
Kirs ~ Hey, I don't say no to social occasions either. I just don't get many.
Yes, life's too short, which is why I'm about to embark on...
Jo ~ Yes, thank you. She will never talk to me again. I'm so happy.
Loob ~ I have been told that the old marriage cliche of never having sex again is absolutely true.
Z ~ If I believed for one second that Christian girls were absolute goers, I'd convert. Might give the flirty fishing a miss, though.
Anon 1 ~ I've read your advice a few times, and I think you're on to something. I wouldn't call anyone else enduring a turgid life a "useless pathetic fuck", but I like your optimism and I'm guessing you're not British.
But I think I'm about to straight lose my shit.
I'm serious.
And thank you.
Anon 2 ~ Yes, I know, it's boring. By the way, are you a willing-but-desperately-trying-not-to-appear-willing girl commenting on your blog wanting a shag? That's not a clumsy come-on, by the way. It's just clumsy.
Luna ~ Why am I not in the least bit surprised that you had some disturbing childhood experience?
But don't ask me to get involved in my niece's development. She's on her own.
Anon 3 ~ I can't do therapy. But I will attempt self-improvement. Soon. In, like, 7 hours.
Arrrrgh! Here we go...