Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Moving On Up

I know it's been a while. I know I've not written for three weeks, and during the last month of February, I'd shat out just one post.

But things are happening; "Moving House" things. It isn't the moving house that's stressful. I haven't physically done that, for one thing, but it's all the bullshit that surrounds it.

Tonight, as I crawled back from work, I noticed a letter from my solicitor (Check me out with my Solicitor, n' shit). Apparently, they'd received the mortgage offer I'd got only last week, and can I sign here and here, and have it witnessed here?

This is not a moment too soon. In the absence of anyone getting back to me, I've had to go for broke on Monday, telling my landlord in writing to "Go Fuck yourself", and "use my deposit as this last month's rent, because after four and a half years of ignoring our pleas to stop the damp, repair the taps, and remove that mouse in the hope that we might just fuck off and leave you alone instead, I now have every confidence that you will plunge into our deposit in one last, desperate moneygrab. Well you can't. That deposit is now 'March'. You are the worst landlord I have ever had, I've never even met you, and I hope your rectum develops a very painful rip."

Something tells me he's not going to take that lying down.

Meanwhile, back to the move, I am soon to be 'Exchanging Contracts,', whatever that means, in about a week. Then I will be travelling to my brand new bachelor pad - henceforth known as Magnificent North-ish London Shag Palace, or Pit Of Filth And Doom Where I Lock Myself In To Masturbate With Greater Frequency And Enthusiasm Than A Caged, Demented Chimp - to measure rooms and windows in preparation of the whole furniture buying shit.

But I'm tired, so very, very tired. I'm not stressed yet - at least I don't think I am - but this is consuming every part of me. I've got about 3 weeks left in this flat and with Large Northern Flatmate (soon to be relegated to 'Large Northern Mate'), and then it's Operation: Grow The Fuck Up.

It all seems too good to be true, to be honest. I've even considered closing this blog, as it feels as if I have some kind of 'ending' now.

Of course, there are too many loose ends; My job, for one, my sex life (or rather my lack of it), that dead body under the driveway.

So that's that. I know I've been neglecting many of you, and I'm sorry, but please bear with me. You see, I'm movin' on up now, getting out of the darkness. My light shines on, my light shines on, my light shines on.

Thank you.


ess jay said...

i think young mc captured it perfectly... every dark tunnel has a light of hope, so dont hang yourself with a celibate rope

Z said...

Well, you could keep the blog and use its title ironically, or you could start a new one, but I hope you won't stop blogging.

The only time I took away some of a tenant's deposit, it was, in part, because it took me a full eight hours' work to clean an empty one bedroomed flat. Which included emptying out the lavatory with a cup to dry it out enough to put in heavy-duty limescale remover. I just painted over the grubby walls, carefully avoiding the bare live wires, until I could get an electrician in. Happy times.

luna said...

You mean you haven't been measuring the rooms to see where LNF will fit in?
You're not taking your moveable furniture with you???

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

You can only close the blog once you've got a shag in the new house.

That, my friend, is moving on / in .

Until then, WRITE.

Dandelion said...

Nooooooooo! Don't go! Don't leave me now now now

Cheryl said...

Hi Fwengebola! It's been a while since I've stopped to say hello here though I've been visiting now and then. I hope the move brings many good things your way.

And, yes, please don't close your blog! I love your writing. You would be missed.

Chris said...

unless you start getting published, don't stop blogging! we need to here the further adventures of fweng (and i'll have to delete my one RSS feed)

good luck with the move dude, keep us posted :D

theperpetualspiral said...

Good luck with the move!

You're not allowed to close your blog, your readers have decided on your behalf.

luna said...

Pah!He never intended to shut down the blog.He just wants to feel wanted,the diva!He loves to see you begging!

Well said DEWYMO.This might take us to Xmas at least.

Tired Dad said...

Fucking attention-seeking. Luna's quite right.

However - don't stop. If anything you've been unknowingly cheering people up with your absolute misery; fuck knows it's made me feel better knowing that my life is not exactly as shit as yours.

So cheers for the public service.

And congrats on the house by the way - it makes a world of difference.

Bea said...

Here via Sas. Staying for a while on the sole basis of this magnificent sentence: " brand new bachelor pad - henceforth known as Magnificent North-ish London Shag Palace, or Pit Of Filth And Doom Where I Lock Myself In To Masturbate With Greater Frequency And Enthusiasm Than A Caged, Demented Chimp..."

Congratulations on joining the ranks of illustrious homeowners. I wish you many evenings of frenzied enjoyment in your new digs.

PS. Word verification? "copting".

Anonymous said...

Noooooooooooooo! don't go. I've only just found you :-(

Linda in Sydney

Ellie said...

Good for you. Now you just need to find your Weezie.

Megan Rose said...

Sweet mary mother of god! You cannot close this blog. The mere mention of it made me gasp in horror.

And well done with the house buying. What a big boy you are. (If it makes you continue blogging, then you are welcome to quote that last line however you see fit).

looby said...

Excellent stuff: a swish pad of your own certainly makes seduction easier. We should all have a bloggers' housewarming when you move in! Best wishes Fweng.

Jane said...

Yeah, I hate to be nice as much as the next person, but... Don't go. I'd miss you. Only for about six seconds a year, but still.

Anonymous said...

What's this little sink here?
That's a rinser.
Yeah. Get rid of it.

C said...

can i move in with Large Northern Flatmate???

Anonymous said...

please don't stop.

fwengebola said...

essjay ~ Christ, that makes me feel old. I bought that album when it came out. He was born in Peckham, donchaknow??
Z ~ Oh you were a landlady? But you seem so nice.
Luna ~ I have very little furniture, full stop. All I'm taking is my bed, my bedside cabinet, and my computer desk.
PDEWYMO ~ Yes, that's rather a nice milestone. A shag, then end.
So, several years still in this until my suicide, then.
Dand ~ Don't worry, I'm about to be insulted to stick around...
Cher ~ Thank you Cheryl. I love your drawings.
Chris ~ Thank you very muich, Chris. One RSS feed, though? Woah. I'm honoured.
TPS ~ Yep, probably shouldn't have opened myself up to the inevitable vitriol.
Luna ~ I wasn't after begging, for the record. Just - gasp - speaking my brains.
TD ~ And it wasn't attention seeking. Just commenting on what I saw.
But thank you anyway. I'm anticipating possibly interestingness ahead, even if my hairy breasts have become larger these last few weeks.
Bea ~ Oh hullo, and welcome. I would love to say you'll have lots of fun here, but you won't - unless you're the company part that misery seems to love.
Anon ~ Hi Linda. Please say hello to my Auntie in Kings Cross.
I have now been told that I can't close the blog down until I have sex, so there's a good twenty years left yet.
Ell ~ Uh, my what now?
MegRos ~ Well I'm fat. I don't think I'm leaving just yet, though. I've been told off.
Looby ~ Yes, you are all cordially invited round to my new place. We can all stare at each other and wonder what the fuck we can talk about*
(*This offer is obviously not real.)
But thank you for your kind words. I am not worthy.
Jane ~ You can get a lot done in 6 seconds. Have sex with me, for example.
But thanks.
Anon ~ Alright, Luke?
C ~ You seriously can't mean that.
Anon ~ I wasn't after grovelling, but thank you and I won't.
I am humbled and now feel slightly awkward.

luna said...

I meant your Large Northern (moveable) Furniture.

You know,something to lean on and throw up all over on lonely nights.


fwengebola said...

I can see myself phoning LN(ex-)F during those long, lonely nights.
Sort of.

Z said...

I still am a landlady. And I am nice. My downstairs tenant (replacement of the dirty one) keeps it all so clean and lovely that I haven't put up his rent in 5 years and he's now paying £400 a month less than the upstairs one, who is also lovely so I won't put up his rent either. And I send them friendly emails and fit new boilers and everything.

fwengebola said...

You're far, far, far too nice to be a landlady, then.