Wednesday, March 24, 2010


I am a disaster zone right now. In two days time, I will be driving the van home from work and lugging boxes of accumulated bullshit to my new home, but only if I can handle it.

The problem is, I'm deteriorating. I currently make Joe Merrick look sexy, providing he's been hosed down and crowbarred into a Ted Baker.

And yes, I'm aware he's dead.

And the Elephant Man.

I can't breathe very well; my nose is blocked. I have a sore throat, just a couple of weeks after I got rid of my last sore throat. I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and can't get back to sleep, and I'm going through those medicated balm tissues quicker than a Premiership footballer goes through dim orange women.

And last night, as I sat staring at the TV double-sneezing and with my left eye weeping, I noticed the (thankfully very weak) skin condition I've had for years on my knees and elbows starting to explore my calves and ankle regions.
I'm basically turning into a giant wart.

But it's - ugh - this throaty sinusey thing though. Somewhere up behind my nose and at the back of my throat is a sea of gunk, a bit like that underground river in Ghostbusters 2, except this is solid and not running as freely, and Dan Aykroyd hasn't fallen in it.

It's completely impervious to Lemsip, and it's itchy too, which is irritating as I can't quite reach in to scratch it.
I don't know, this is all like some kind of cold.

It's an odd one though, as I still have my sense of taste. It's like full-on illness, except just a notch below it, just one stage under 'Close The Door and Go To Bed', thus I get to go to work to cough and complain and eat shit sandwiches.

Oh yeah, and I have a painful mouth ulcer, not to mention a rectum that feels like a bleeding Hula-Hoop trying to pass a tank.

"Hello Doctor, please can you probe my anus?"

I think this is Zen, pissing on my housemove.

Fucking planet.


Vi said...

Thanks, you've just turned me off my breakfast.

Blue soup said...

But on the upside, Dan Ackroyd isn't in your head.

Hope you feel better soon. I know what you mean about the shit sandwiches.

i am not your freud said...

hahaha underground river in Ghostbusters 2. i remember that

orange women??

maybe you should rest more. get well soon ducks.

i am not your freud said...

here's something to cheer you up:

Anonymous said...

you are one damn fine sexy man...

relax as best you can... it's an adventure...

The Unbearable Banishment said...

"Hello Doctor, please can you probe my anus?”

Some people consider that foreplay. Lucky.

Z said...

There's an article in the paper today that explains why men can't cope with routine illnesses - the evolutionary trade-off has been between a strong immune system and being reproductively competitive. So your man-flu is probably because your testosterone levels are going up at the expense of your immune system.

Anyway, you'll be fine. I recommend eating chillies to clear the sinuses. Not a takeaway curry which will play havoc with the anus, but chopped up with onion in an omelette.

Dandelion said...

Chopped up anus with an omelette? Ew!

I'm afraid I don't buy that post-hoc 'evolutionary' explanation: women need to be reproductively competitive every bit as much as men do, surely, and anyway, I don't see any medical reason why reproductive competitiveness in the childless should have any impact upon the immune system. Aside from which, there's the obvious decline in attractiveness that goes with a flu arising from increased testosterone, which would would be a bit of a false economy, to my mind. No good having increased competitiveness if you're too sneezy and snotty for anyone to want to take advantage of it...

Psychodynaemia is a far better explanation for the man-cold:

luna said...

Chillies yes,which is capsicum on the syrup's label.
Or try eucalyptus oil to clear,I'm afraid your "medicated" hankies only make things worse after a while.

Have you ever had psoriasis?

Honestly I think all your miseries are one and the same,really, I'd wager some kind of fungus/impetigo infestation.,ce455a01

luna said...

Or a food intolerance.

But since you're determined to let it run until death ensues...

Mad Cat Lady said...

I sleep on my side and during my last cold when I would turn over the mucus would slide slowing to the other side of my sinuses with a kind of sucking sound then gloop
- I felt like a lava lamp

fwengebola said...

Vi ~ Oh hey, look! You're back! How was your breakfast in the end?
BS ~ Thank you. Although in retrospect 'shit sandwiches' doesn't scan very well.
Elif ~ Yes, orange women. They're very popular here. Or populous, one or the other.
I love the fact that huge stars made twats of themselves assuming no-one would ever see the ads. Guess they never saw the Internet coming.
Df ~ Yes, I am sexy, aren't I? What's not to love about rashes, colds and sore arses?
UB ~ Some people might. For me it's just abject humiliation.
Z ~ Thank you, Zed. That really is terribly mumsy of you. Chilli omlette, though? It does sound strangely intruiging.
Dand ~ Hahaha! Man Cold! We watched that at work a couple of days ago because people were complaining about my Man Flu.
Luna ~ Thank you very much for that link. I think I can safely say it's not in that league. It's barely even visible. I don't care what I've got. I'll just ignore it and pretend it's not happening. Job done.
MCL ~ Nice work. Kinda reminds me of THE LAST FOUR NIGHTS.

luna said...

You've got a strep throat and you're gonna pass it on to all your followers,I'm logging off!

Z said...

Mumsy describes me very well. You might have eaten the Masala Omelette in India? - which is what it is.

Anonymous said...

to cheer you up

don't thank me;) you will, silently

McTodd said...

Har har!

I take it then that you're not currently riveted by the great general election upheaval?

fwengebola said...

Luna ~ I'm not sure what strep throat is, but I like it - linguistically.
Z ~ Funnily enough, all my egg-based Indian foods weren't spicy at all, as I recall.
Anon ~ Oh, I read that. Keep waiting for the thanks.
McT ~ I am, actually. I'm just without broadband in order to comment on it.

luna said...

Well good for you because a strep throat's also on your tongue.:P

fwengebola said...

Oh the irony.