Saturday, December 19, 2009

Anal Fissures

I love my iPod. Aside from the fact that it's exacerbated my tinnitus one billion-fold and I've now got a permanent whistle in my head, it is the perfect aid to Christmas shopping.

Imagine, if you will, Europe's largest inner-city shopping centre the weekend before Christmas. Now imagine thousands of orange women, swaggering teenage fuckwits, couples walking in slow motion, and fat families going puce with rage as they push prams containing their revolting screaming offspring into your legs.

Yet none of them upset me in the slightest, as into my ears trilled my new hero; Tim Minchin ~

On the downside, I've got a rip in the lining of my anal canal. This made walking around said shopping centre less pleasant than it already wasn't. I have no idea how this tear occurred. Perhaps because things seem to be on the up for me at the moment, God (despite not existing), appears to want to fuck with my bottom, as it were.

I first realised something was amiss when I took a crap at work a couple of days ago and it felt like giving birth. Granted, there's a lot wrong with that sentence, but it was a fresh hell of eye watering pain and blood and lots of trill whispers of 'Why'? as I reached out to clasp wall and bang on the floor with my feet.

Two days on and there's little improvement. Although I'm pretty sure I haven't got haemmorhoids, I did attempt to buy some Anusol this afternoon if only to relieve the burning sensation that's afflicted my backdoor calamari, but I couldn't face the shame - or, indeed, find any. Besides, I'd have only been forced to buy half a dozen other items I don't currently need, just to bamboozle the cashier into not noticing; shower gel (beep), deodorant (beep), tissues (beep), medicated cream for anal ulcerations (beep).

But on the plus side, three and a half working days left til Christmas and the end of the year, nay, the decade.

Merry flippin' Christmas, everyone, and a Happy New Year!!!!!!!


Anonymous said...

thanks for the tim minchin... lovely. i use the iPod technique to avoid beating stupid people to death in airports.

hope your asshole improves... avoid the curry...

Z said...

I once accidentally bought some haemmorhoid cream thinking it was ordinary ointment. It was fabulously healing.

I'd go back to the shop carrying a list written out in "old lady's handwriting" - make sure it includes incontinence pads and denture cleaning solution. Then you can ask for the things and it'll be apparent you're buying them for your grandma.

Merry bloody Christmas, Fweng.

looby said...

I was at Uni the other day and found myself standing in front of a poster advertising chlamydia testing. But not for long.

Happy Christmas Mr's been great and hope 2010 brings you a healty anal passage and maybe even a nice girlie.

PurestGreen said...

Wishing you plenty of good, soluble fibre in 2010.

Blue soup said...


I hope your bum gets better soon.

Merry Christmas!


Anonymous said...

Not read your blog for at least 6 months. Now I remember why I stopped... hmmmmm. Bet you haven't had your prostate massaged by the doc though. Happy Christ- (you kant)... COCK!

luna said...

It boils down to your ghastly diet again.
last incentive before you die, understood?

Just take a spoonful of olive oil before each meal and it'll heal by itself.
And vit e tablets.

Dandelion said...

I think it is hard stools that causes that. If you don't mind me saying.

Huw said...

Had to buy some Anusol once. Clutched it tightly to myself so my fellow shoppers wouldn't see, and when the girl swiped it through the cash register displayed, in bright green neon captials, HAEMMORHOIDS. Thanks Boots.

I think I still have half a tube around here somewhere..?

Anonymous said...

Burpy Xmas x

Quote said...

I got married the day you posted this blog.

Ellie said...

I hope you got some Anusal for Xmas.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Bloody hell. That sounds really fucking painful. I'd just go to the doctor and get some good stuff for it. One old bloke laughing at you in a small room is better than three teenage cashiers sniggering infront of a throng of Saturday shoppers.

Oh...and is that Westfield you're describing? You got it down to a T...

Anonymous said...

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Pip said...

Can you PLEASE put up a new post

It's disturbing to see 'Anal Fissures' every time I stop by your blog


PS: hope your bum is ok now

fwengebola said...

df ~ Oh god, don't get me started on other Tim Minchin tracks ('If you really loved me's very good).
Curry - now there's a bloody good idea.
Z ~ Wow, what on earth did you use haemmorhoid cream on by accident - and it worked?
I could always say "It's for my gran" and hope they believe my bullshit...
Merry Xmas! Of course this'll be Happy New Year now. Sorry for the delay.
Loob ~ Mmm, chlamydia. I'd love to be in a position to get that. Happy xmas, and a great 2010 to you too. Here's to good arses and women.
PG ~ Yup, heartiest All Bran wishes for the new year to you all.
BS ~ Uh, it's better now, thanks. I hope you had a good one, and have a Happy New Year!
Anon ~ Hello, Luke.
Luna ~ My diet's not really that bad! (I'm not drinking oil)
Dand ~ Erm, wow. I'll look into stool softeners.
Huw ~ Please may I borrow your half tube of haemmoroid cream? I'm not sure if it's all clear down there.
Anon ~ And a wobbly new year.
Quote ~ Very romantic. Congratulations! And happy new year.
Ellie ~ Regrettably, no I didn't. But I did get two front teeth.
Jo ~ It's really one hell of an experience. I don't recommend it to anyone. It might not be Westfield though.
Except it is. Well done.
Anon ~ Erm, what? Are you a robot? Because you sound like one.
Pip ~ DONE! Done it. You made me, thanks Pip. And HAPPY NEW YEAR! (yay)

luna said...

You are sooo predictable.
Fine don't take your oil.
But be advised bran's gonna make it worse and so will salad and crisps.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps Large Northern Flatmate is anaesthetising you and.... well you get the idea. You might want to get out of there.

fwengebola said...

I am. Luna, IS THAT YOU???