Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Hate Thy Neighbour

'KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT!' snarled the psychopath as he scowled back at me, jabbing a finger at my face.

In situations like that, I'd normally want to be in the safety of my own home.
Regrettably, I was.

It was Saturday night - technically Sunday morning - and I was sat at my computer playing Solitaire and watching YouTube clips because I'm a sad, pathetic waste of space with no girlfriend or imagination. It was two o'clock in the morning, and I was sipping red wine.
This is how I live my life.

Suddenly, above my head came dull thuds from above, from the flat belonging to the two girls who'd recently moved in. Despite being tiny slips of things, they weren't being particularly dainty. In fact, their thudding was so loud that, had I been asleep, they would've woken me up. (Bear that bit in mind. I find it rather important.)

Some minutes passed. I continued to sip at my wine, continued watching YouTube clips about nothing, and continued to mindlessly play solitaire. Meanwhile, the thudding remained.

'Hmm', I thought to myself, 'they clearly don't know how much noise they're making. I'd better alert them to my presence as next time, should I really be asleep, they'll wake me.'

So I grabbed my baseball bat and delivered three rigid blows to the ceiling. It may have sounded impersonal, but it wasn't meant to be. After all, it wasn't as if they'd just woken me up or anything. They just could've.

So imagine my surprise when, after a pause, three hefty, angry thuds came back in response.

I frowned. That had been strange. Although I'd only seen the girls two or three times in the couple of months they'd been here, things had always been pleasant. Granted, I did once have to tell them that their late-night wanderings had woken me up because the entire structure of this damn apartment is paper thin, but I went to great lengths to be nice about it, explaining that it wasn't their fault and had to say something, otherwise they'd never know.

But those three thuds? That was odd. They had an air of Fuck You about them. In fact, such was the Fuck You air, I'd walked off to Large Northern Flatmate's room to wake him up and tell him.

'Ungh,' had been his response so I retreated back to my room, assuming the girls must just be drunk. And so that assumption remained until two minutes later when I got clarification:- a shaven-headed, heavily tattooed and incredibly ugly clarification, banging on our front door.

I walked over to the door dressed in naught but a towel, and frowned when I opened it to reveal a bald meathead grimacing back at me.

'Is that you banging on the ceiling?'
'Uh, yeah,' I began. 'You see, I was asleep an...'
'FUCKING CUT IT OUT, RIGHT?' he yelled, finger-jabbing away.
'Okay, take it easy,' I said as quietly as possible in the hope he'd get the hint.
'DON'T FUCKING TELL ME TO TAKE IT EASY.'
'Look, can you keep your voice down? It's two o'clock in the morning and our neighbours...'
'I DON'T FUCKING CARE!' he yelled. 'DON'T FUCKING TELL ME TO KEEP QUIET. I'LL SPEAK AS LOUD AS I WANT.'
'Right,' I began, wondering how I'd managed to get myself into this. I wasn't even fucking sleeping.

'The thing is,' I continued, 'I was asleep, and...'
'I DON'T GIVE A FUCK,' said the gigantic, lobotomised Neanderthal. 'WE WEREN'T EVEN MAKING ANY NOISE.'
'Sure,' I ventured, 'I appreciate that, but the walls here are really thin and...'
'YOU KEEP FUCKING DOING THIS, DON'T YOU?'
'Doing what?'
'BANGING ON THE FUCKING CEILING.'
'Uh, this is the first time I've...'
'SHARON?' he yelled up the stairs. 'DIDN'T YOU SAY HE'S DONE THIS BEFORE?'

'Well,' came the voice of a little mouse, 'yeah,' she began but I wasn't really listening. I was too busy wondering what either of those demure girls found attractive about the violent yob in front of me.
'Erm, actually, this is the first time I've done this.'
'THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE FUCKING SAYS, AND I'M NOT GONNA FUCKING 'AVE IT!'

I frowned. 'Hang on a minute,' I said. 'You woke me up.' (Yes, I was taking the moral high ground from a lie.)
'I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.' More finger jabbing.
'RIGHT,' I said, now offended. This guy was the tattooed terminator. He couldn't be bargained with. He couldn't be reasoned with. He didn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he had tattoos up both arms and on his neck.
'DO NOT,' I yelled as loud as I could without waking up the neighbours, 'STAND OUTSIDE MY FUCKING HOME AND THREATEN ME, OKAY?'

And then he threatened me.

He snarled. His eyes danced around his head as his ancient brain tried to make sense of what was happening.
'KEEP... YOUR MOUTH... SHUT...' he hissed through gritted teeth, pausing between words as he fought to compose himself. 'KEEP... YOUR FUCKING... MOUTH SHUT!'
His finger was pointing right at me, at the part I presume he was eager to launch a flurry of punches at first - my nose.

And then a weird thing happened. The urge to grimace in disgust and say 'Pscht, fuck you' deserted me.

Instead, I continued to be stared down in my own home by a cunt. 'KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT!' he hissed as I did as I was told.

And then he walked off and headed to the flat upstairs.

'What th...?' said Large Northern Flatmate as he walked out from behind the bedroom door he'd been hiding behind.

'Don't!' I urged him. 'Don't say a thing.'

I shut the front door, my pride in tatters, acutely aware that I was staring at the floor.

I believe that is what today's youth call pwnage.

25 comments:

Bea said...

Ok, I have to come out of lurkdom and comment. Had to deal with such a situation on a daily basis for nearly 2 years. You did the right thing to not retaliate, we did just the once, and the c**t aimed a gun at one of my children and told him he had seconds to live - the police did nothing. Sorry your upstairs neighbours associate with such scum and are unable to keep said scum on a leash. Ok, back to lurkdom ;-)

Z said...

There's nothing you can do in that circumstance. I hope the stupid little girls dump the psychopath - but there's nothing you can do without escalating the situation. It's not cowardly to not be stupid.

I've not had the opportunity to use the word pwn, and I'm a bit jealous.

Dandelion said...

Bloody hell! What's the tenancy situation? Are those girls owner-occupiers? You want to be safe, but I don't think you want to let it go either.

jason quinones said...

i am just a recent reader to your blog but you seem to have a knack, (maybe even a talent!) for running into situations involving bodily harm from shaven headed knuckle draggers. shame those two stupid birds can't see him for what he is: an asshole! i know it's hard not to but i wouldn't beat myself up about it. he was more than likely drunk or high and beyond reasoning.

jason quinones said...

or next time (unless you're already expecting someone) don't answer the door in "naught but at towel" at 2 in the morning!

that could only lead to trouble!

fwengebola said...

Bea ~ Oh hello. I'm replying early to say 'Jesus'. That's utterly unbelievable. I'm also rather pleased I didn't react in any way at all, now.
Fancy doing that to a child. What a scumbag and a coward.
Z ~ I have annoyingly no idea what anyone's thinking; if they psycho feels guilty (doubtful), if the girl/s now mistrust psycho (equally doubtful), if I'm now Public Enemy No1 (probable)
Any way, it's best to just not care.
Now go forth and pwn someone.
Dand ~ Nope, renters. We are all renting from the same lazy landlord, and one of the renters above is dating a psychopath.
JQ ~ I hate to say it, but I don't think there was anything chemically altered about him at all, barring a natural one in his own tiny head. I got the sense he was just pathetic and bitter, and yelling obscenities at complete strangers made him feel better about himself.
I'm afraid I'm in a towel now. It's like my post-work outfit.
Your 'I am not my job' t-shirt is legendary.

Huw said...

I am quite angry now. I don't have much to say beyond that.

Clare said...

What an absolute arsehole. And shame on the silly cow upstairs for lying about you banging on the ceiling more than once. Hopefully she's rather embarrassed about the whole situation, and will see the light and stop associating with that thug.

daisyfae said...

like dealing with a mad dog, best not to escalate, avoid eye contact and back away slowly... squirt bottle full of bleach by the door in case he comes back?

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

What a massive peen-arse. I'd just thoroughly look forward to seeing Sharon's face the next time you happen upon her, sans meathead boyfriend, in the corridor or on the stairs.

And commenter no.1...yowza. True that retaliation just doesn't work sometimes.

i am not your freud said...

like everyone said, it was the best thing to do. never say "fuck you" to a sociopath. "oh yeah? and what are you gonna do about it?" has also the same effect. an ex boyfriend of mine had used that one and got headbutted by some guy on the street. now that i think about it, i'm glad he did. anywho... if this was in austria, neighbors would have called the police just because someone raised their voice. hehe.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Dude, you totally should have waited a few minutes and then banged on the ceiling again with the bat. They would have laughed and laughed! Now, THAT would have made for a dramatic post.

Blue soup said...

The police won't do anything of course, but it's worth reporting it. Incase it happens again that is. Case is stronger if it's been done before...

jason quinones said...

thanks for the compliments on my T-shirt man! really appreciate it! now PLEEEEASE go tell the world all about it so i can sell a shitload, retire and roll around like a fat cat in a mountain of money and coke for the rest of my life!

(sarcasm)

(sorta)

looby said...

Yes...register it with the police annd get some sort of number or whatever it is they give people nowadays instead of investigating things. Jeez...it's a wonder you faced him down as muhc as you did!

Anonymous said...

Poor Fweng, you do seem to attract a lot of cunts. Not in the way you'd like to, obviously.

Ellie said...

Maybe you should start hitting on Sharon.

luna said...

Didn't your mum ever warn you not to open your door to strangers? Nor in the middle of the night? Nor when you're naked?

Amazing how many variations of the same "noisy neighbours" situation one can come up with in London.Overcrowded hell for some.Godsent postfodder for others!

fwengebola said...

Huw ~ Your anger pleases me. I lick your tears.

Oh.
Clare ~ I dunno if she's lying, though. There are lots of bangs and thuds around here. Annoyingly, she might have thought I had banged before, when it wasn't even me. Who knows, much less cares.
df ~ Actually, I've been fantasising about leaving the bat near the door. It's a solid metal bastard my flatmate bought in your neck of the woods.
PDEWYMO ~ Already panicked about that. I've not seen her yet, but I have no idea where she stands on all this; proud, embarrassed, indifferent - No idea.
IANYF ~ (I love that rabbit). I vaguely remember you mentioning that rabbit. Austria sounds like some kind of peaceful paradise. Sometimes I envy the prudish and uptight.
UB ~ Many days after the event, I now wish I did just that. I've forgotten what an absolute psychopath he is.
He'd've killed me, obviously.
Blue ~ The police, I've finally realised, especially since my bike/car accident that went nowhere, that the police couldn't give a fuck and would much rather have a quiet life.
JQ ~ I understand that demi-sarcasm. I'll make a deal with you; I'll support your t-shirt outlet if you start advertising this blog.
Dunno how though.
looby ~ It would be more productive getting the police to look for life on Uranus (hehehe).
They're pretty fucking indifferent.
Ellie ~ Nah. She's met me.
Luna ~ I'm beginning to think it's all me. I seem to have recurring neighbour problems.

luna said...

Nonono it's not you! Neighbours are vile everywhere ,god you should meet some of mine! except in Twickenham!

Reminds me of that japanese film the island:all the contestants try to kill each other and the last one alive has won.

McTodd said...

Grass him up as a suspected Islamist terrorist to the filth - the cunt's knuckles won't touch the ground as he's carted off to be waterboarded in Belmarsh...

McTodd said...

Alternatively, if he has a PC and internet connection, wait till he and his oxygen-wasting slag of a bitch are out one day, break into his flat, download a ton of kiddy pron and then anonymously tip off the rozzers to the effect that Gary Glitter is hiding out in the flat above you. His knuckles won't touch the ground as he's beaten/bully-rammed to a pulp by even worse thugs in chokey...

fwengebola said...

Luna ~ So you're in Twickenham? I never can tell by anything you write.
Isn't that Lord of the Flies? Sort of?
McT ~ Nice. All my plans revolved around smaching his Saab with the bat I used to hit the ceiling, then laughing as he saw the damage.
(It's with this brain I've attempted to write a 'book')

digressica said...

Dude. Self-preservation is totally the name of the game. Best way to improve the gene pool.

fwengebola said...

Otherwise known as Coward's Law.

But I like it.