Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The 1,000 Mile Journey: Irritating Step #1

So, I spent this last week, post-blub-in-toilet, at home where I barely left my room in an attempt to get over myself (and my cold).

It was a strange illness as it didn't really knock me out, or annihilate my appetite or sense of taste. Instead I watched the remainder of Deadwood whilst eating sausage rolls and sneezing repeatedly, to the accompaniment of feeling really pathetic.

All this excitement culminated in my mother's 30th wedding anniversary. As her only son I was expected to attend, but I managed to hang onto my cold long enough to avoid it. In truth, I felt better by then, but mentally I couldn't handle seeing half a dozen close relations, let alone a further 90 I hadn't seen for years.

So I began this week on a different path. I have made diet and exercise my very dull priority (for the five billionth time). I haven't smoked for nine days. I've cycled to and from work every day this week (i.e. 3). I weighed myself yesterday and was shocked to discover that I've reached my all-time fattest weight, again. I was last there - 16 stone/ 224lbs - nine years ago. Following the Mother of All Diets, I vowed never to return.

Whoopsadaisies.

Yet all I can think about is the newsagent below this rented apartment, and its full shelves stacked with fattening treats. Great. I'm stuck with this push/pull bullshit forever.

Why do the things I enjoy most, a drink here, a smoke there, an unhealthy snack everywhere, make me slowly miserable, and quickly dead? Is that fair? And as if to rub it in, as I scanned through today's paper following my wretched morning cycle to work, I came across this rather obvious yet mildly irritating article...

Pull Yourself Together

So it's official; Make yourself happy imbibing anything your heart desires, and it'll clog up before you're fifty - oh, and make you miserable too.
Or, become despicably boring and make Moderation and Discipline your ruthlessly dull mantra as you say 'No' to yourself on a daily basis, jogging all the while as you ignore the relentless screams of your inner self pleading with you to stop, and you'll allegedly be happy for keeps.

Damn you, life.

15 comments:

Dandelion said...

You may enjoy this http://tr.im/DpC7

daisyfae said...

i can do ok with the deprivation/moderation bullshit until i run into some skinny fuck, with the metabolism of an entire flock of riverdancing adolescents, shoveling in an entire tray of sweets while slugging back gallons of whisky....

then i get cranky. and want to eat a cheesecake.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Were you too sick to masturbate? That’s my personal benchmark for how sick I am. If I can’t even muster the energy to abuse myself, then I really must be sick.

julie said...

Do you know anybody who has a dog you can borrow? I only walk because of mine, but you hardly think of it as exercise because they're fun. Plus, the unconditional love thing helps with the depression. Just a thought. Borrow one, and then if you like it, you can get your own. Plus, they are chick magnets.

List Maker Girl said...

Fucking shit isn't it.

I've added to my blog as you instructed, so at least you can pat yourself on the back for getting me off my arse anyway. Ta.

My Mum is a nutritionalist and bangs on about MODERATION constantly. It's boring - where's the pleasure in leaving stuff uneaten, for gods sake.

jason quinones said...

yep. life she is a brutal bitch.

Ellie said...

The kid in the paper looks menacing. Surely he's no poster boy for depression.

Anonymous said...

yo...your favourite hospital wanker is here again...i started one of these things...a blog...i'm the bloke on the right hand side with half a head...no one follows it and i haven't updated it for a bit...but i'll get on to that. cheers lov!

Anonymous said...

as in, do check it out...not so much for content...but certainly writing style, whether its good/bad/indifferent...its certainly rough, i know that, but i'd appreciate your thoughts as i consider you an expert on these things...matt

and on the right hand side in your followers section, the picture of me is more a quarter of a head and most of a shoulder. i figure if you click that it may go to it. cheers rubes. all thoughts appreciated.

Han said...

I don't want to sound like a goody-two-shoes (though I probably will) but the best thing I ever did (a month ago) was employ a personal trainer. Better than any therapy, honest.

fwengebola said...

Dand ~ An interesting book, from the blurb. Surprised it's been padded out, though, unless every single page has just those two words.
Df ~ Ngggg... cheesecake. I haven't had a good cheesecake for yeeears.
Now why, I ask you, should anyone deny themselves that? What's the logic in living and not treating yourself now and again?
UB ~ Jaysus, I can't remember. I know my libido's been on the wane lately, so perhaps...
Oh shit.
Julie ~ I can't believe you've suggested that. I grew up surrounded by pets and all I've thought about recently is buying a dog. I WANT ONE, I WANT ONE, I WANT ONE!!!
LMG ~ Moderation, the dullard at the office Xmas party. No, they won't get drunk and make a fool of themselves, but they'll wake up the next day with a clear head and no regrets.
Bo-ring.
JQ ~ And she is a she. She can only be a she.
Ellie ~ He was an unavoidable part of another story, and I wanted my jpeg to remain rectangular. He apparently helped solve a crime and now wants to be a policeman. Just look at those judgemental eyes. He's already got it made.
Anon x2 ~ What can I say? Other than Where?
Han ~ Psht. Goody Two-Shoes. I'm also guessing you fancy your personal trainer. I'm gonna have to check your last posts.

Han said...

I am offended! My trainer is a woman!

Ellie said...

Oh my! Now that you've given me the background on the kid, I can see it ... he absolutely has it made! Jesus. He'll make you feel guilty even if you are a saint!

luna said...

Psychological illness.

Bah the article's a load of cost cutting propaganda.Soon counselling will be scrapped on the NHS,that's what it's leading up to.

Apart from that,getting moving IS good for your health obviously.But you do plenty of that already so you might still need counselling additionally.
Cause you're getting nowhere on your bike.

fwengebola said...

Han ~ Really? That's a shame. You almost had your own Rom-Com there.
Ellie ~ You only have to age him another ten years and you can see that arrogant, slightly bored 'heard it all before' look on his mug.
Fucker.
Luna ~ Not all articles on the BBC are governmental propaganda. They're not Fox.
I'm about to cycle to work now. I could always move more. Of course.