Saturday, September 19, 2009

FUCKING HELL!!!

The weekend. I'm heartily ignoring the rubbish book I've written to masturbate to pornography, eat half a dozen doughnuts, and smoke half a pack of cigarettes. And as the thoughts of self-loathing took hold, I found myself gravitating towards finding "love" online. I checked into an old dating website I belong to and spent a considerable amount of time 'browsing', when I came across a ladyperson I liked from waaay back.

Somewhat piqued to notice that she'd viewed me before, I tried to contact her but, alas, the fuckers demanded I re-register. Instead, I thought I'd hit their 'Click' function. Simply put, you can indicate if you think you'd click with someone and, if they've already thought likewise, an icon pops up indicating a match.

So imagine my surprise when a match popped up between us.

I began to yell. I stood up in my room and my towel fell off as I scrambled, fat and naked, for my credit card.

I re-registered at a not insignificant cost, and that was when I really began to feel ill. There were 151 unread emails and messages for me.

Said lady had already written to me over a year ago. An equally lovely lady and fellow blogger had written to me a year before her. And sandwiched between them both like an oestrogen filling was a local lady who'd stolen my heart only to ignore me - except she hadn't. She'd written to me three times, only to end with an apology for ignoring me the first time round as, she'd assumed, that was why I'd ignored her. Others wrote to me including one (clearly delusional) young woman who used the word 'adorable' in a totally non-ironic way.
Too bad she's in Florida.

Suffice to say, I feel ill, and that's not just from the doughnuts. To think all these attractive, intelligent women with low standards were contacting me for the last couple of years, and I had absolutely no idea.

It's probably for the best. They're missing out on a chain-smoking, doughnut eating wanker who thinks he can write.

10 comments:

i am not your freud said...

write back to them!!!

daisyfae said...

back slowly away from the doughnuts and porn and get to work, buddy! charm them ladies...

Ellie said...

In writing them all back, you will have written another book!

marianne said...

This is completely unsurprising to me.

Anonymous said...

'aaaaaaaaaaaaaave it.

luna said...

hahahaha!And to think you've been bashing our ears/eyes for the past two years completely unecessarily!
And to think you're gonna carry on doing it because you've missed the boat and now is TOO LATE TO MATE ,no it's too much to bear...

I laughed at the image of the fat naked punter scrambling for his CCard though...God what little it takes to make men give it away...

fwengebola said...

IANYF ~ I have, but I've a feeling it's too little, too late. Ugh.
df ~ But they're both so bad for me, thus brilliant. I don't think there's anyone left to charm, though.
Ellie ~ Great. It'll probably be shite then.
Mar ~ AARGH! Hello ducky, where've you been?
Luna ~ Yes, I'm glad you find that amusing, those last two years a void of all human contact when I could, in fact, be happily married by now.
Erm, or something.

fwengebola said...

Oh, and I missed an Anon ~
What??

Cheryl said...

Ha, ha, ha, what will you blog about if/when you realize all your self deprecations just...might...not be....true?

Hey, with 151 unread emails, someone has to write you back!!!

fwengebola said...

Hmm, thank you, but they're all pretty valid. 151 emails weren't from 151 women. More like 20 with missed IMs and the like.
Wait, that's still not bad odds...
Oh, except this was over about two years.