Sunday, September 27, 2009

Enjoy The Silence?

Believe it or not, I'm an optimist. I actually believe that one of those single women from that dating website will reappear and get in touch.

This is despite a week going by, and not hearing a thing from them. That's not to say I haven't been contacted at all. Several other women have written to me and been delightful - at least the ones I've read have - as rejoining said dating website has reminded me of a certain little thing that made me leave in the first place: GUILT.

I know beggars can't be choosers, and I know that I've whinged about being single for over 3 years but, well, I just ain't that into them.

And that makes me feel awful. AWFUL.

I don't want to ignore them. They're only being nice and saying hello, but dammit, I just can't see the point in engaging in a dialogue that'll head inexorably towards a date I don't want to go on.

Having said that, a date may be happening soon with one lady. I'm slightly unsure about the whole business as I kinda only joined to desperately get back in touch with one of those women who wrote to me a year ago without my realising only to take the supposed snub and move on with their lives but, well, I'm not getting any younger.

But neither am I that bothered about a date with someone I've started chatting to because, like Pringles, she was just there.
Oh hello, More Guilt.

God, I'm confused and anxious.

* * * * *

Update: I just popped online to check if any of those women had reappeared (still No) when someone flashed up a window to chat. I pressed 'ignore'. This is absolutely horrible. Please can someone reaffirm that I'm not alone in finding these sites utterly bizarre.


daisyfae said...

i'm afraid to venture into online dating yet... for the very reasons you describe. i tend to want to be nice to people and give them a chance, the prospect having coffee with someone who makes me want to scream and not being able to get up and run? afraid i'm no help....

Anonymous said...

having a chat to them doesnt mean you have to date them.
and dating them doesnt mean you have to have sex with them.
and having sex with them doesnt mean you have to marry them.

just have a chat with those lovely ladies. and maybe meet them for a drink. you might even find you have a good time, a nice evening. it doesnt have to mean any more than that. and going on dates with ones that you arent that in to, well you might meet them and have another judgement. or, just use it for practice for other dates.

someone who successfully used internet dating.

sas said...

seriously dude relax!

as a lady who has internet dated i would much prefer no contact if you are not interested - i mean why bother?

my advice - be the moth. let the ladies be the flame. you may need to trade in your guilt to risk potential rejection but its worth it.

and date. like, a lot. go for drinks or coffee - take the pressure off and get into the practice of dating. have some fun with it.

shit this time next year you could be one of those annoyingly smug peeps looking at real estate windows.

enjoy this part of it.

Z said...

My daughter-in-law went on an internet date with a bloke who was perfectly pleasant and she went back to his house for coffee and he showed her round and all the shelves and cupboards were exactly half full. Ready to share right down the middle with the Right Woman. Indeed, she didn't see him again.

On the other hand, later she met Al.

If it were I, I'd try to think of it as a bit like a blogmeet - great if you become friends, no big deal if you don't really hit it off or quite like each other but aren't likely to become close. Learning to relax and not say offensive things out of nervousness wouldn't be a bad start.

i am not your freud said...

don't feel guilty if you don't like someone. there is no such rule that goes "if you've been alone for a long time, you have to take the first one who is interested in you". it's legal to have standards.

good luck with the internet dating!

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Mate, dont worry about it. You're only doing exactly what all those incredibly hot girls you dribble over in bars do to you.

You click 'ignore'. They just think it.

Go on dates, get your confidence up, then when you find someone you really like, you'll have to balls to go for it.

Anonymous said...

If you have ridiculously high standards, which you appear to, then you will end up remaining single, and lonely, for the rest of your days.

You appear to talk about wanting a woman, then when the opportunity arises you seem to find excuses not to pursue it - judging by previous blog posts.

Don't forget, not everybody is photogenic. Some very attractive people I know photograph terribly. On the other hand, some people with amazing photographs end up disappointing in the flesh.

Chatting online is not a guaranteed date/shag/marriage. It's chatting - nothing more and nothing less.

Internet dating is really no different from normal dating - you see someone you like and go for it. However, in some places it cuts through the bullshit and in others it adds an extra layer of bullshit.

Instead of waiting for somebody you don't want to contact you, why not be proactive and contact some of them. Otherwise, what is the point of paying your subscription fee?

Clare said...

Hi, I've been reading your blog for a while but I've never commented until today, as this post struck a chord with me.

I'm using a dating website too, and I think the majority of people who use them do find the experience a bit strange, maybe sometimes a bit cold and impersonal. I'm still hoping I'll meet someone in the normal way (whatever that is!).

In the last year or so of doing this I've met some right oddbods, some people who I enjoyed writing to but didn't really click with in person, and I also met someone who I really liked, although it didn't work out in the end.

A wise friend of mine told me to remember that it's a numbers game. You've got to meet lots of people (nice and/or nutty) until you meet the one who's right for you. You can't possibly get on with everyone so don't feel bad about it. And if you're not in a chatting mood, why the hell should you! Just go with your instincts, meet a few people for a drink and have some fun.

Good luck Fweng, and don't give yourself a hard time.

thal said...

After a long drought period, I did it for a while. On a few different sites. Went on some atrocious dates, which I still pull out as entertaining stories for my friends now and then. Went on some quite nice dates which gave me practice. Met a fuck buddy, who I'm still friends with (without the fucking) a few years later.

Suddenly, I met someone, in a pub of all places! When I look back, I think it was the whole putting it out there thing that got me in the space to meet someone. Broke the um seal, so to speak.

Good luck! And drop the guilt, it's a useless emotion.

looby said...

I've been doing that for about 18 months now. 20% good, 80% miffed at how people feel they can muck you about with impunity. This is my profile as it stands now on a well-known British liberal newspaper's site:

fwengebola said...

Df ~ Yes, but of course, what would it take to meet the man of your dreams? About six awful dates with a half dozen nerds? I don't know why I'm defending dating websites; they're still odd.
Anon ~ Yes, but is it worth getting in touch if you're not feeling the vibe to start off with? Or am I just being overly-sensitive? And as you 'used' to use these sites, does this mean you're now ensconced in a fulfilling and meaningful relationship?
Sas ~ Oh excellent. I can be a fat moth. Wait, shouldn't I be the flame? Ugh, I don't have the balls, time or money - or stone-cold heart to line up a series of dates I'm indifferent about. One's enough. But, ugh, I can give it a shout.
Z ~ I was wondering what your daughter-in-law was doing dating other men. Makes sense now. I think I'm probably putting too much emphasis on all of this.
Still, oh bugger.
E ~ I like the fact that it's normal to have standards, but I think a lot of the women I'm contacting have got them too. Rejected from the comfort of my own bedroom.
PDEWYMO ~ Oh THANKS. That doesn't help my fragile sensibilities. Now I feel rubbish. By the way, I could go on a date a night. I'd still panic with each new one.
Anon ~ Tough love. I like it, and I like the photo angle. I come out in pictures as a fat, atrophying sack of shit, when I look like a red Brad Pitt. I've never understood how that works. I am contacting people but they're never the ones to get back in touch, or they do, and I notice two years later. No biggie, then.
Clare ~ Oh hello. Thanks for writing. It must be me, but I'm terrified of writing to someone (that I can do), and discovering that there's absolutely nothing there when meeting up. Oddly, I can't help thinking that there are plenty of people out there I'd get on with in the flesh but wouldn't 'get' them in writing, but hey ho.
Oh, and my instincts are fucking appalling.
Thal ~ Hullo. I'm impressed. Who meets people in pubs? I thought that never happens. Although I'd appreciate the stories post-event, I'm already panicking about the actual meet. But guilt, yes, it's rubbish. Unless you've killed someone.
Loob ~ Yes, yes, yes exactly, I don't want to be that messer. Having said that, your being messed around examples are altogether in another league. What I'd like to ask you is this; does it feel right to be and to treat others as commodities? Fucking modern life.

Sonny Amou said...

Some miscellaneous missives in your pursuit of the Misses. Like Anon above, I also had success with the online dating.

Honestly, it sounds like you are rusty. Ease that neuroses into neutral, boyo. And I'd go out with the women if there are no obvious red flags. Gives you practice to be a better/smarter dater, and not waste your (or their) time with idle chitchat, emails, et cetera.

And unless you're an axe murderer, you gotta be patient that it will happen. There's a great line from the movie Singles "'s worst cologne." So very true.

Good luck. I've been with the same girl for two years now, of whom I met through a major dating site here in the US. I also had to go through about 20-30 dates with various women, some bad, some mismatched, some weird and one or two that just didn't work out. Kinda like what you're doing now.

Good luck, funny as always.


fwengebola said...

Hello again. Although I love that quote, I'm also rather unswayed by your suggestion that I try lots of dates. I don't like trying lots of new things, as the thought terrifies me. There will be bad dates, so I may as well avoid them, and they'll never happen.

God, that's pathetic.