Friday, August 07, 2009

Happy Days

My old mate Chopper has handed in his notice at his job. In doing so, he's spent the better part of two days trawling through ten years of saved emails.

Imagine my delight to have been sent these descending order gems from days gone by:

On work...

From: Ebola, Fweng [mailto:Fweng.Ebola@shit-exam-board.co.uk]
Sent: 11 September 2003 17:55
To: 'Chopper', et al
Subject: Whoops

Seeing as you chaps are fond of my petit faux pas, here's my latest.

All has not been well at work. In fact, it's been dire. We have a new manager and we fell out a few days ago when she yelled at me and I yelled back for longer. We hadn't spoken since, until this afternoon when we had a formal 'one-to-one' meeting to discuss my behaviour. She saw by my folded arms and cynical stares that I wasn't happy. Eventually, she gave me the chance to speak.

I now regret using the phrase, "I feel as if I'm continually shat on by a great big managerial arse from above", said as I looked upwards and waved my hands about, as if protecting myself from metaphorical faeces.

That comment was then added to her list of reasons why I'm crap later on in the meeting.


On returning from holiday...

-----Original Message-----
From: Ebola, Fweng [mailto:Fweng.Ebola@shit-exam-board.co.uk]
Sent: 18 June 2003 11:16
To: 'Chopper'
Subject: RE: Sleaze League Table

Well, the women are absolutely stunning, and the men were all fat, ugly, and shaven headed meaning there were huge discrepancies as models dated the hideously mismatched. I still didn't stand a chance though; the Hungarian language is impenetrable. I also saw two of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life, ever, in all my 29 years. I just couldn't bring myself to talk to them, which is probably just as well.

Don't have a clue how much I spent - was all funded by Barclaycard. Got clipped by the Russian mafia in a seedy strip club too. £10 a bottled beer and a demand that we had to spend about £50 each before we left which we argued about until we were threatened very seriously with hospitalisation. For some reason, I was the one sent out into the night to get money from my own account.
McDowall then got a picture of me passed out on the sofa stark bollock naked which I can't say I approve of.

Snogged an Aussie girl who looked like the asian one from the Sugababes though, which was nice but very brief. Think she had a boyfriend back home.
I have got the worst post-holiday blues of my entire life. I want to go back there immediately.

On unemployment...

From: Ebola, Fweng [mailto:Fweng.Ebola@personal-email.co.uk]
Sent: 01 August 2000 22:39
To: 'Chopper' et al
Subject: Self-obsessed rant

Well, I've been unemployed for five months now. I've been through a whole gamut of emotions since leaving [television] with its staff of arrogant, humourless, work obsessed, personality-voided automatons. At first, I dived into the happy hedonistic world of doing nothing and loving it. Takeaways every night, booze, shopping sprees on a lazy weekday afternoon, basically all the selfish mundane shit I couldn't do because I was stuck at work.

Then the money ran out. I'd piled on loads of weight and my job search was going nowhere. Cue a couple of months in complete depression - nothing to do, feeling like a waste of space, thinking that those former work colleagues who called me a "belligerent little shit" were actually right.

Then I joined a gym, blah blah blah, and now I feel great. Just thought I'd let you all know.

Fine - I'm lonely and I crave attention.

On ex-girlfriends...

-----Original Message-----
From: Ebola, Fweng [mailto:Fweng.Ebola@bbc.co.uk]
Sent: 03 December 1999 12:37
To: 'Chopper'
Subject: Jolly season my well rounded arse

This is the last paragraph of the last email that [My first girlfriend] sent me after a frenzied day of emailing yesterday-

"I can't have the love of my life dangled in front of my nose and not be able to have him. Its not your job to be here for me or look after me or watch out for me anymore. You want the clean break, take it, I won't hassle you again.
I hope things work out for you.
Bye
[My first girlfriend]."

* * * * * *

It was great to be able to read the ghosts of relationships past today, almost ten years after she wrote that. She has long since married with children and no, things didn't work out for me. Karma's a bitch.

Cheers for the trip down memory lane, Jamie!

8 comments:

Peach said...

As you're in the mood for reading:

Texts From Last Night

chopperbomb said...

Glad to have been of service!

fwengebola said...

Peach ~ I read that. It was good. Good enough to postpone writing for a while. It's added to my favourites and, in the meantime, I think you'll like F*** My Life
Chop ~ Via several billion forwards, cheers.

loobyloo said...

Brilliant, everything, the emails, Peach's link.Have you come across the Misdirected Text Appreciation Society on Facebook? My favourite: "Where are you? I'm cunted!" Sent to his mum at 4am.

loobyloo said...

And FML too! Oh yes, ths beats writing about post-Marxist cultural theory.

Tim Clague said...

i'd have just deleted them. I get enough misery through this blog without having further second hand depression caused by your emails

i am not your freud said...

haha i love having a trip down memory lane by checking out old msn logs and emails. sometimes people send me things i've sent them/wrote them, which i have totally absolutely forgotten about.

how is the book going by the way?

fwengebola said...

LL ~ I’m sooo checking that out.
Sorry. That was quite camp.
Thank you, though. I wish there were more humilio-sites out there.
TC ~ Lovely stuff, cheers Tim.
IANYF ~ Yes, it is sorta fun. I recently found another one, something angry I wrote to my sister about her never keeping in touch. That was fun.
The book is near to polishing for the friends’ reviews. Then I get to re-write it one last time.
Brilliant.