Monday, June 22, 2009


I've just made a colossal mistake.

To those of you who've been reading the previous posts, you'll know what's currently happening - i.e., not much.

Jesus, I'm scared to even allude to her...

Oh fuck it. I've been emailing my lovely American ex-girlfriend.

And I mentioned this blog.

I don't know why. I think because I'm such a miserable bastard in general, and I'm particularly miserable at the moment, and for some reason I was trying to prove to her what a miserable bastard I am because I dumped her years ago and made a massive mistake and now she's met someone else which, okay, is brilliant and I'm very happy for her (me, not so much).... that I mentioned my many years of whinging, in blog form.

My point was, 'tschh, I'm such a cynical miserable git that I've got a cynical, miserable blog' - why I thought she'd find that endearing, I don't know - but I didn't really think much about the end part, the BLOG part, when I pressed SEND. I did pause briefly, but I'm a) phenomenally tired right now, and b) overconfident that this anonymous diary of shit is buried so deep in the dullest recesses of the Internet that she'd never find it.

In reply, she asked if it was my blog she'd read years ago, the one I much later linked to Fwengebola.

I frantically attempted to unlink it, but I got scared that I'd fuck something up and delete my whole Fwengebola account. But in doing so, I realised I'm more scared of losing this blog than I am of losing someone who's already missing, presumed indifferent.

So feel free to question why I really chose to mention anything. Personally - and trust me on this - I know myself well enough to know that I'm just an idiot.

I'm incredibly angry with myself right now.

*** UPDATE ***

I'm going on a fucking diet.


Miss Milk said...

I remember the day I found out that my ex had read my blog.

It was the best.

No, actually, it was probably the single most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me. HIDE IT. HIDE IT.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

My friends found my blog the other week. Neither of them have confronted me about it yet with congratulations or "har har har, that's so funny", so I'm assuming this can only mean that they've taken it badly.

We're bloggers, stupid bloggers with lots of readers who still think no one can find us.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

My friend, you can either go through the kind of suffering that will lead to more suffering or the the kind of suffering that will lead to the end of suffering. We've all been there. I know I have!

Cheryl said...

Don't take this the wrong way but I find it really comforting to read your blog. It's a little like reading Bridget Jones only you're a real person. Reminds me I'm not the only idiot out there being humiliated on a regular basis.
And maybe you sending her your blog link is a way to give yourself a kick in the pants so you can move on. Or at least I hope that's the end result of it.

jenn said...

We do such strange things to torture ourselves when we're in the dark & twisty.

I debated once on a telling a guy about my blog then realized I didn't want him to see anything I had written about him. I didn't want him to know he had that much power to wound me. Then I came to the real reason I didn't tell him. I knew he wouldn't give a shit. Wisest decision I ever made (and I'm really not known for my wise decisions...ask around.)

Oh just think of the angst you could use in passing on your blog link to the ex in a book. Oooooh yes. Channel it!

fwengebola said...

PDEWYMO ~ The ironic thing is that about 6 or 7 months after I started blogging, I may or may not have got drunk and told my friends about it. Then I stopped making spurious observations and got more personal. I still get people asking me stuff I've never even brought up in public before. I forget who knows, but it's practically everyone.
And don't assume, but I would stop short of writing about them when they're liable to read it.
UB ~ That is spectacular advice. That said, I'm too fucking dumb to do anything positive, but I'll try. It's just so hard.
Cher ~ No, that's fine, thanks. Knowing people like to read the miserable introspection keeps me going on. Please don't worry; I can out-idiot the best of them.
I'm trying to convince myself that this was all a good thing.
Jenn ~ Ugh. That's all surprisingly familiar. Once I'd mentioned 'blog' in my email last night, she was curious, but ultimately I don't think she gave a flying fuck. This is actually a good thing, unless I think about it for 6 hours, by which time I can convince myself that it's bad.
But book, yes. I should write this book.

Z said...

What are you worried about? -
Pissing off your ex - well, you haven't said anything about her that's bad, in fact you've been nothing but complimentary and said you wished you hadn't broken up with her.
Being humiliated because she may read it - you have no problems with feeling humiliated. Many people like you for your honesty about yourself, even while we wish you were happier (of course, then you wouldn't be so funny. Hm).
Being humiliated that she won't read it - that's understandably paradoxical.

Diet, don't stop drinking or smoking until you've lost at least the first stone. And eat junk food once a week so you don't feel deprived.

sas said...

most of my friends know i have a blog and most of them don't get blogging. they think I am mad to be so open.

i am terminally paranoid about work finding out (I am not even controversial about work - probably just a misguided sense that anyone other than me gives a shit).

either way, it's a gutsy thing to put your life out there - anon or not. plus you are a phucking phenomenally good blogger.

don't go changin'!

Huw said...

She won't give a flying fuck now; she's too loved up. In a couple of months she will be bored though, and then - unless she is even less curious than your average breeze block - SHE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN.

misspeculiar said...

Ah. Who cares if she finds it?

Work on your novel! I am extremely interested in reading it.

Virtual Daisy said...

I agree with Z - I think she'd be pleased to read all the things you've written - vindication of all the heartbreak she went through years ago.
I am the recently dumped (on!) who commented on previous posts. You were actually quite sweet to in reply Fweng so can't take out my annoyance on you anymore!
Don't worry about it. You're going to move on to bigger and brighter things at some point and now at least you've shown you've got some emotional insight and are capable of regret - that's 2 up on most men I know. Of course, I could just be bitter.

Lady Wise said...

Ah, whatevers! Your blog is brilliant and you have an amazing way of making everything that you hate about your life really funny to read, which says to me that you are able to see the funny side too. So, therefore, is everyone else, and if they're not then fuck 'em!

The woman led you up the garden path and then apparently LP'd you on Facebook! I think you could have done much worse than just moan about it on an anonymous blog. Makes no odds. No regrets, as they say!

Ellie said...

Ah, if she reads it she'll be on the first plane back to the UK in order to get herself a little Fwengie.

fwengebola said...

Z ~ It's not that I've said anything untoward about her; it's that I've said anything at all. In blog form. To, dare I say it, anyone.
I'd feel a bit weird if there was stuff out there about 'this twat at work', or 'this gimp I dated', although in fairness, the latter was probably pre-Internet.
Your advice is excellent. I think I should follow it.
SAS ~ Woah! That's too kind. I often worry that my boss will excommunicate me for calling our customers vaginas, or something worse. Most everyone I know already reads this, which I often forget when I'm telling them something new and they say, 'Yeah, I read about that.'
Huw ~ You, Huw, have disturbing powers of insight. That's why I've just deleted my blog from a blog-rectory affiliated with tube stations.
But they will marry.
And that is good.
Yes it is.
Miss ~ I sorta, kinda care, in the way Z says: Embarrassed if she finds it, and strangely snubbed if she can't be bothered.
The novel is... doing stuff.
VD (he he he) ~ If regret turns you on, I'm your walking vibrator. What really hurts me is that the slap of regret I feel now isn't a patch on how shit I made her feel. So essentially, I'm swelling on my current regret and making it worse.
Still, good news for her as this is karma in action.
LW ~ I tell ya what, I think I'm clinically predisposed to prefer it when people slate me. I'm very touched and hideously embarrassed by your kind words. She didn't lead me up the garden path - oh, unless you mean in the last few weeks - or perhaps the last couple of years when I've been angling to meet her - but then it's her perogative to ignore me. I deserve it.
I would like to know what 'LP' means though.
Ellie ~ Are you kidding? Firstly, she appears to be head-over-heels in love, and I'm pleased about that. Secondly, erm, no she won't. She didn't when she was single, and she never seemed too enthused when I said I wanted to go visit - probably because one look at me and she'd want me disembowelled.

luna said...

A pitiful dishcloth is never attractive or sexy.

Didn't you advertise your blog in thelondonpaper once?

fwengebola said...

Nah, I was one of their contributors a while back. It certainly wasn't in their love section.

Day Dreamer said...

The story of your trip...that story is the one that brought me here for the first time.

Fucking story.

I haven't been able to stay away for long since. You're witty, and as much shit as I want to give you on a regular basis, I want to hug you more.

You underestimate yourself. But your blog won't repel her anymore than you could keep her. Oh how I wish you could love or accept yourself so you could get completely over her already. And find some honest happiness.

Wow...where'd that come from?!

loobyloo said...

I have spent the last few weeks posting on Facebook about this gorgeous woman I know who works at the uni where I'm studying, my efforts to get us together and some rather more, er...detailed posts about what exactly it is was attracting me to her. Then I realised that I'd forgotten that I'd added her ages ago as a friend and she could see everything.

But then if people really know how you feel and how you are, that's no bad thing. It's 2009. We live on the internet to some extent, so the idea that it's somehow wrong to post personal stuff on the internet I think is a bit less strong now than it used to be.

The exception of course, is work, where it's usually important to keep that and your real life separate.

fwengebola said...

DD ~ Woah! Where did that come from? Thank you though. I'm over the panic now; I'm not bothered if she finds this or not. It's all one giant ball of whatever.
But thank you. Far, far, far too kind.
LL ~ I'm amazed that you forgot that you added her to Fuckbook in the first place. Surely that's the internet equivalent of holding hands?
Be anonymous, then you can reveal all your darkest secrets.
Probably best not to tell your actual friends, though.
Hello, actual friends.