Sunday, June 14, 2009

Dying Alone And Unloved In The Gutter Of Life

Okay, I know I've made the point that feeling sorry for yourself is no bad thing, provided it's brief and ends with a positive conclusion.

However, I am feeling phenomenally pathetic right now, and I've only got myself to blame.

The fact is, I suffer from Male Paralysis. It is a common and rather stupid complaint, viz: If I'm not in a relationship, I feel lonely and unloved (even though not being in a relationship is my default setting; one that I'm petrified I've become so accustomed to that I will never be able to handle being someone's boyfriend).
On the flip side, when I am in a relationship, it seems so strange to have lost my perceived independence that I feel suffocated and get scared off.

Last month was my birthday, which falls on the same day as my lovely American ex-girlfriend's. I ended that relationship because of the 8,000 mile round-trips just to hang our for a coffee that would last a week, encompassing lots of hand-holding in Central or Regent's Park, sex, and dinners in fancy restaurants with the rest of decent civilisation.

However, we weren't together long when she got extremely keen extremely quickly, which scared the bejesus out of me. Being a cynical, somewhat low confidence cove, I couldn't work out why she felt that way. Her keenness, coupled with my vast collection of insecurities, meant I ended us, although I told her repeatedly and sincerely that if she lived in Britain, I would snap out of my paralysis to dedicate all my time to her. And of course, she was perfect too; Funny, attractive, and intelligent, we even got each other, dammit.

And I'd dumped her.

She took it badly. We only patched up our differences properly last month, during my 35th birthday, and her 34th. We began to email each other 10 times a day. We exchanged current photos of each other. We even called.

But then she slipped back into indifference, which bugged the hell out of me. To give you some background, I have a sister, a sibling that I haven't seen since January despite her living only 8 miles away. We hadn't said a single word to each other in 5 months, apart from the day I received a Facebook message which read, 'Happy Birthday'.

And that was it.

So I called my sister up to ask her what her problem was, that zero contact in almost half a year broken by a feeble line of birthday text on a social networking website was pretty insulting. In my defence, I told her that I hadn't called myself because it was always me getting in touch every few months to check if she was still alive, and I wondered if the day would ever come when it occured to her to ring me for a change.

So, once the yelling and insults subsided, my sister and I agreed to make more of an effort to keep in touch. She suggested doing so every other day, which I did, going so far as to leave myself calendar reminders. I duly phoned her every other day, or every three days, and did so about six or seven times. And then I stopped. The days have since turned into weeks, and I haven't heard a word from her. This is a terribly similar scenario - some would say exactly the same as before - whereby I'm the one who always has to call, otherwise I'd never hear from my sister again.

So I think it's fair to say I'm fairly sensitive about female contact.

Meanwhile, over in the States, my lovely American ex-girlfriend and I re-established this beautiful connection. She said I was still cute. I said I still missed her. She bemoaned not having anyone to take her out to dinner. And I wished we were still together.

So I started looking at flights. I was going to give her that surprise I thought she'd been leaving hints for. I toyed with the idea of doing it in a week or two.
Trouble was, like my sister, contact had collapsed into nought but one-way traffic, everything at my instigation, and pretty brief in return.

So last night I emailed to see how lovely American ex was doing. 'Fine', she wrote. 'Busy,' she added. And then she went to bed - None of which particularly inspired me to rush out and spend half a thousand pounds on flights and a hotel room. This morning, I checked Facebook. Her status had been updated to, "I'm all for you, body and soul."
That was odd, and more than a little strong considering how we hadn't been connecting all that well in the previous few days.

So this afternoon, I emailed to see if perhaps I'd done something untoward. It was nothing heavy, just a brief line of enquiry.

"Totally not pissed off," she wrote. "Just working a lot and nurturing a blossoming romance."

I paused. Then I re-read that line. "Nurturing a blossoming romance."

Oh.

It was then that I began to feel more than a little nauseous. What had gone from little butterflies flitting in my stomach whenever I saw her name appear in emails had mutated into a violent sense of unease coupled with a feeling of ruthless stupidity. And that was when Evil Fweng, that spiteful, gloating, malevolent little daemon in my head, began to cackle.

'You knew this was going to happen,' he crowed. 'You can't expect to just re-date someone you dumped three fucking years ago.'

And then he started insulting me, and it was all rather hostile, I can tell you. And just when Evil Fweng had finished his tirade, he held up a picture of the only other tenuously-linked woman in my 'life', the stunning leggy blonde Polish lady, the friend-of-a-friend who recently seemed so inexplicably attracted to me.

'Remember that phonecall from your friend? The one who introduced you to that stunning leggy Polish blonde?'

'Unggh,' I groaned.

'Remember how she was umm-ing and ahh-ing over her boyfriend, debating whether or not your useless fat self would make an ideal replacement? Well she's about to get engaged now, isn't she?'

I took a deep breath. I caught sight of myself in the mirror as I stood there in a towel, my hairy man-tits and distended gut looking like the body that haunts a thousand female nightmares.

'Kill yourself, fatty,' Evil Fweng continued. 'There isn't a woman on earth who deserves a worthless twat like you so just shut the fuck up, lie down in the gutter, and kill yourself now, you pointless, indecisive, wobbling sack of shit.'

30 comments:

sas said...

and you are absolutely sure that YOU aren't the blossoming romance of which she refers?

Huw said...

That very much sucks.

You have to beware of exes - with whom there is scant chance of getting back together - seeking attention from you. It's a sign that they are fishing for compliments, feeling a bit lonely and - more importantly - are on the prowl.

PurestGreen said...

That horrible voice of self loathing has been beating the shit out of me all week. I hate that voice - what a piece of shit.

Hope it all works out, and if not, keep fishing. But take a look at that panic that seems to overtake you and mess up your chances for you.

fwengebola said...

Sas ~ Yes, I'm afraid I'm pretty sure. My involvement in the last week or two would've had to have been some kind of prerequisite.
Huw ~ Thank you, Huw. One lives and learns. And there was me thinking perhaps things were 'back on'.
PG ~ That voice is my worst enemy. You did use the word 'keep', though. I regret to say that 'start' would be more apt.
Explains a lot, though.

Anonymous said...

At least you don't come from New Zealand, and have to watch Spain rim you like a gorilla at football

Anonymous said...

Having just been dumped by a 'Fweng type' I am afraid I have limited sympathy. Although on the plus side, your post gave me an insight into his emotionally retarded thinking. Sorry - should be more supportive but really - for christ's sake man up, realise what a massive mistake you made and resolve not to do the same again to some poor, unsupecting girl in the future. You want to be in a relationship so work it out. There is someone out there for you but you need to sort yourself out first. Bloody men.

luna said...

Beware of retreads...At 34, your ex must be feeling pretty long in the tooth to get settled and maybe she was just leaving no stone unturned (not that you're something crawling under a rock!);
or maybe she's getting her revenge.

As for Useless Sis:don't keep lowering your bucket into a dry well.It's not because you're related she's going to care about you,and that's more common than you think,and nothing to do with you.I've been reading biographies where mothers are hideous to their daughters and vice versa.She just doesn't need you.

Make sure you cut her out of your will (btw have you copyrighted your blog?) & cut your losses.Unless you want to keep in touch with your nephews - who are likely to follow their mum's cue - don't even bother with the Xmas cards and concentrate on more promising relationships like your friends.

Huw said...

I have fallen into the 'back on' trap a number of times (also with an American, broken up with in Summer '06 - similar time scale?), most recently about December, so I know it can seem a pretty well camouflaged trap. It is seriously tough to move on from the ones who aren't nasty mentalists.

Huw said...

(I also have a sister I don't talk to a lot, and I also have hairy boobs).

Shoshana said...

I think Huw is trying to pick you up ;)

I honestly think a lot of your problem is lack of confidence. Tell that stupid voice to shut up, tell yourself that you're worthy of a good woman over and over and get out there and meet a cutie! Good luck!

i am not your freud said...

i wouldn't kick myself thinking i missed a great chance with the polish lady if i were you. i mean she is getting engaged to that guy, so she is quite keen about him after all. i don't think there was anything you could have done even if you had tried.

about the american ex - even though you felt lonely and decided to search the past, the problems that led to the break up (aka distance, oh so much distance) were still "like totally" there. sooo, that would have been still fruitless, also when she hadn't got involved with someone, methinks.

you should try meeting new single women. and you should put some effort into it.

trust me, i'm always right.

i am not your freud said...

...when it comes to other people's problems, that is :)

Blue soup said...

Crikey Fweng, it's a bit of a shitter, but you do know the evil daemon talks utter rot don't you?

Shit, there are millions of women out there. Of course it is crap that the one you wanted took herself out of reach and you're disappointed, but chin up man, open your eyes and look at all the other girls out there.

Just as men hate desperate women, it goes the other way. Put your wank sock down, have a shower, and get on with it.

And stop worrying about how you come across to women. You can't change who you are. You could have a bloody good go, but any facade you put up will only slip in time, it is inevitable. You aren't that bloody awful. If you come across as a tosser to someone, who cares? If you come across as a tosser to ten, twenty people, who cares? Not everyone thinks you are a tosser but we aren't programmed to say "Hi fweng, you;re not a tosser". It just isn't the way it goes in real life my friend.

Send me your photo and I will tell you if you are hideous.

x

Anonymous said...

I like the sound of Evil Ru... I mean Fweng!

McTodd said...

Bloody hell, this is gloomy even for you...

Try what I've done since my last disastrous relationship, i.e. cultivate a borderline-autistic indifference to close human contact.

daisyfae said...

ouch. getting stomped on is getting stomped on - even if you DID set yourself up. Onward...

due to the same problem with "fear of commitment/being trapped", i'm simply preparing to be on my own for the foreseeable future... and enjoying it. getting used to being on my own, learning to enjoy my own company, and am sucking it up and doing things by myself. a bit depressing at first, but i don't feel as bad as i did when i wallowed at home alone...

The Unbearable Banishment said...

I offer this timely poem by Charles Bukowski:

Oh Yes

there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than
too late.

Lush said...

Keeping the evil at bay...ugh, I totally feel this one. As unhelpful to your predicament as it is for me to say, thanks for writing this. I'm currently going through a lot of different-but-fundamentally-the-same nonsense, and it's extremely comforting to know that I'm not alone in the universe in those crushingly awful mirror moments.

And ditto on what The Unbearable Banishment said.

Peach said...

I can totally vouch for Fweng's non-disgustingness. He's a catch - good looking, funny, great company and a gentleman.

Dude, stop going back to your ex just because you have no-one else! Remember when you DID go over there? She totally ignored you most of the night!

As for your sister, sounds like she has issues anyhow, I'd leave it be - call her now and then, stay in touch and all, but don't freak out if you don't hear from her - you're obviously not close naturally, but stay in touch if you can.

Every Friday night instead of getting arseholed, you and flat mate should pick a nice pub in your area and have regular friday night drinks in the same place, not in town in some shit banging loud place, but where nice / attractive girls hang out, and go there REGULARLY so you can start bumping into familiar faces after a while - then sit back, and watch - you won't be single after aug this year, I promise, or your money back

x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x

Cheryl said...

One suggestion: try finding the most unattractive (how did they find someone?) couple you can find, take their picture, put it where you can see it every day and think to yourself, if those people can find someone, then darn it, I can too!

Basically, your recent experiences with your ex just re-confirmed what you believe about yourself, reinforced by that loud and unhelpful voice of doubt you have. Try getting in the habit of saying, what the f--- do you know? to it. Hope this helps.

fwengebola said...

Anon ~ Yes, how terrible for you, that a nation not known for its soccer prowess was beaten by a country that is.
Anon ~ Dare I suggest that the 'Fweng type' is most men when it comes to this kind of indecision? I am nonetheless sorry to hear about your bullshit. There is a small chance he will regret his decision 3 years down the line - just not now.
Luna ~ Actually, I do think there's a small frisson of revenge with my ex, as evidenced the last time I saw her. I regret you may be right about my sister. Sadly my neices are the bargaining chips; I think I could cope with never speaking to my sister again but in doing so, I'll not see my neices, and they've not done anything to me.
Huw ~ That's odd, yes, it's roughly the same time, although I've not seen my ex for a year or two. I think there'd always be that distance problem if it all worked out anyway. Hmm, that's why I ended it.
Huw again ~ Were we separated at birth?
Shosh ~ Do you think I may have issues of low self-esteem? I think you may be onto something there. I will soon eventually one day endeavour to do something about this. Perhaps.
IANYF ~ "Try meeting new single women" ??? Do you think?
Stunning Polish lady was in some bizarre kind of relationship limbo. I guess it was daft waiting for her to make her mind up - a bit like my ex waiting for me to make my mind up.
Oh.
Blue Soup ~ Hey, the wank sock was a one-off and is now in a landfill! As for the tosser thing, you know that theory that if you're in a group and you can't spot the arsehole, then it's you.
Well I do that frequently. I think I could be in trouble.
And the photo will only disappoint. Besides, there's only about two good ones from the last 10 years.
Anon ~ *cough*
McTodd ~ Shit, is it that bad? Worryingly, I feel myself reverting into a societal-imposed shell, one where I sharpen knives within the blanket of darkness, cackling and talking to magic elves of hate that tell me to tickle people with my stainless steel sticks of death.
df ~ Strange, I've got deja vu. You do realise you say that's a bit depressing at first, in the same way that incarceration in a maximum security prison is "a bit depressing at first", but you've learnt to live with it.
Perhaps you shouldn't learn to live with it, and neither should I.
UB ~ I read that poen seven times. Then I wiki'ied Charles Bukowski. Then I panicked even more.
I want to run off to Thailand and hide under a rock, a rock in a bar next to a brothel.
Lush ~ Ha! You don't have to thank me for writing this. I've often thought that there are more people going through dumb shit than they let on. After all, I stood on the tube yesterday reading the paper, looking to all the world like I'm in a blissfully happy mood. Don't be fooled by the everyday. And dispose of your mirrors. They can be so cruel. Unless you're drunk and you get reverse beer goggles.
Peach ~ You are waaay too kind. I must be honest, I don't really get arseholed on Friday nights. Well, not like the old days. Having said that, your 'regular local Friday night' idea is genius. Trouble is Large Northern Flatmate doesn't work and doesn't particularly like drinking (he'll often tell me when he's got a pint in his hand). If I did that, it would have to be solo, or at least once with LNF. But it makes sense. A vast amount of sense.
Cheryl ~ Hmmm, interesting. I'm not sure I could carry around a picture of a couple just to boost my confidence though. It would be like filling my wallet with all manner of unfortunates; people whose lives deserve more than complete strangers looking at them so they can say, 'Yay me! I'm not you.'
But I get your point. Trouble is, I may end up with someone, we'd get our photo taken, and then we'd end up in someone's wallet as their ego-boost.

Anonymous said...

Fweng, I'll do the Friday nights with you. I'm sure there are plenty of places that are quieter than the norm and have attractive, culturally sophisticated women. The ICA bar, the Curzon bar, and bars/cafes within any arts cinema/centre seem the most obvious places. As I'm seeing someone it means I'll just play the wingman.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

It doesn't matter how hideous or not you are - everyone has an Evil Inner Friend who whispers ugly nothings and brings you down. I'm with Ms Soup. Get out there and act like you've got it all, even if you haven't. Confidence is a bigger attraction than a body to die for - trust me. Get that sorted and the girls will flock.

Julechen said...

I just found your blog cos I googled "I hate the Viennese". After suffering here for 15 years, I can tell you that your short time in Vienna was pretty awesome actually.

Don't worry about your man tits. As long as you're funny and confident, the majority of women couldn't care less what a man looks like.Could be worse. You could be an overweight female and then you wouldn't stand a chance.

Anonymous said...

Good idea. Do it.

daisyfae said...

mr. banishment nailed it - i was married for 25 years to a perfectly nice man. the last 10? i didn't want to be there... there ARE worse things than being alone... it's not for everyone, though. i just hate wasting time worrying about what ISN'T in my life, when i could be doint something else...

BlackLOG said...

Have you seen the film - "Good Luck Chuck" the end of your post reminded me of that. Perhaps you are destined to be the guy that brings other people together.

Megan Rose said...

Ok, I made the mistake of reading all the other comments and they're full of good advice.

I have none.

I just stopped by to tell Evil Fweng to fuck off and leave you alone.

Ahem. That's all.

Marcheline said...

Dude - you do realize that your problem is not what women think of you... it's what YOU think of you.

Stop looking for someone else to make you happy and start getting your life in shape. Get your body in shape. Do something good for yourself. Get a hobby besides pub hopping. Do something with your brain.

When you are happy with yourself, you will draw the right lady like a bee to a flower.

fwengebola said...

Anon ~ Is that who I think it is?
PDEWYMO ~ I take your point, but how do I get customers into my shop? What if the goods are amazing, but the shopfront is decrepid and rundown?
Julechen ~ Hello, and welcome. I debate your last point, as women just need to exist to get laid. At least that's my view.
Anon ~ What, top myself? Do I know you too?
df ~ Woah, that's a long time to spend with a lack of interest.
Actually, that's quite scared me.
BL ~ Welcome back. That's one film I haven't seen. I can't recall if it's supposed to be good, or supposed to be rubbish.
MR ~ Thank you. I've told him. And he says 'hello'.
(All of this is starting to sound rather manic.)
Marcheline ~ Hello there. That's particularly good advice, thank you. I am trying to write in my spare time, though. I don't think I've ever mentioned it before. Of course, once I've done that, my life can properly begin....