You know that feeling of disappointment you get when you tune in to a TV show only to find the lazy bastards have cobbled together old clips to fill up their schedule?
Welcome to the blog version:
16 ~ ...I'd formed the unsettling thought that I'd exposed myself in public. I let this gnawing feeling fade into insignificance until a year or so later when, apropos of nothing, Hippy Dave casually informed me of the time he'd been sitting in the kitchen whereupon I'd run in, dropped my jeans and waved my genitalia about, yelling 'Waheey, it's my penis!'
I then went into my bedroom and passed out.
His girlfriend may or may not have been in the room at the time. I was too drunk to notice.
15 ~ ... I fell down the stairs, crashed through a pair of doors, and into a crowded nightclub.
14 ~ ...I needed to record some background ambiance for this radio play I had to do as a student. So I found this legal lecture and, not wanting to walk in and interrupt them, I opened the door slightly and stuck the microphone in. Sadly, the whole theatre could see me through the glass door and were kind enough to point me out to the lecturer. She flung the door open and yelled, 'What the hell do you think you're doing?', at which point I realised how suspicious I looked, so I ran off. The lecturer caught up with me and in the struggle, she snapped my necklace. I was told to write a letter of apology to her.
13 ~ ... at University, my family had come down to take me out to lunch. I obliged, even though I'd only just tasted independence and felt conspicuously awkward having to relinquish a bit of it. Back at my flat, and with four surly flatmates trying to watch TV, my Mum departed by yelling 'Goodbye my little Honey-Bunny!'
The mocking I got from one flatmate in particular became downright hostile.
12 ~ ... I took the afternoon off work.
Travelled to South London.
Went to an audition.
Removed most of my clothes.
Stood in the corner of a room and was filmed as I turned 360° on the spot, and said in a loud voice "I am Boris Becker."
Felt very dirty.
I didn't get the lookalike's job.
11 ~ ... at a job interview many summers ago. I had gained a tremendous amount of weight and looked like a prize-winning pumpkin with tits. The company specialised in sports programmes, so I thought it would be fine if I turned up in a polo shirt, tracksuit bottoms and a pair of trainers. My twisted logic reasoned that if they saw I hadn't got dressed up for the interview, they'd think I was really good at my job.
I sealed my fate on two dumber counts. One was asking for a fan to be blasted at my fat head throughout the interview. The other was when I was asked, 'It gets very demanding here. How do you cope with difficult people?'
I began my response with, 'Ha! Well I've worked with some real wankers.'
I didn't get that job either.
10 ~ ... I urinated with colossal shame and self-loathing in one of the quieter walkways at Tottenham Court Road tube station. Looking up, I spotted a CCTV camera pointed right at me.
9 ~ ... I met up with an old schoolfriend I hadn't seen in 20 years, and got added to his round-robin emails. A few days later, I received an email from him which prompted a flurry of further emails as people I didn't know 'Replied to All'. For some reason, I wrote back 'If you don't take me off this list immediately, I will bombard you all with hardcore animal pornography.'
This was taken seriously by everyone, including my old friend's Auntie who emailed me privately to call me sick and depraved. Others wrote to tell me I would be reported to the police.
Needless to say, that was the last contact I ever had with that old schoolfriend.
8 ~ ...I woke up one Saturday, grunted 'Fuck' at nothing in particular, and jutted my backside over the edge of the bed to ferociously break wind. Then I coughed the phlegm loose from my throat and scratched my arse.
Closing my eyes to return to sleep, I suddenly remembered that I hadn't gone to bed alone the night before.
I peered over the edge of the midget-sized mattress. Trying to sleep on the floor below lay my then-girlfriend. I'd farted into her face.
7 ~ ... I drunkenly bought cocaine off a street dealer. When I got home, I opened the wrap to discover I'd spent £50 on half a polo mint.
It wasn't even a whole one.
6 ~ ... I was sat outside a pub one gorgeous summer's afternoon, when a passer-by stopped dead in her tracks.
'It's you, isn't it?'
'What are you doing here?'
'Look, I know who you think I am, but I'm not.'
'Yes you are.'
'No I'm not. Do I sound even remotely German?'
'Can I have your autograph?'
5 ~ ... as a teenager, I spotted a fox in our garden. So naturally I called the police.
That copper's voice, a mixture of incredulity and disgust at wasting his time, still makes me cringe with shame even now.
4 ~ ... at a busy production office at the BBC, I was waiting to speak to a middle-aged researcher with her back to me, engrossed in a conversation with someone else. I remembered my Dad's old gag of gently kicking the back of my knee so my leg would give way, causing me to turn around and laugh heartily.
'You got me there, Dad!' I'd giggle in those glorious sunny days of my youth.
And in a moment of madness, I thought I'd do likewise to the lady I was waiting for, a bit of joviality to keep our spirits up during the working slog.
So I kicked her leg.
For no reason.
And quite hard, it transpired.
'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?' she screamed after her leg had buckled so violently she almost collapsed.
'HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!' she spat, silencing three open plan offices.
'HE KICKED ME!' she told a sea of aghast faces.
There are some things that cannot be lightheartedly explained away no matter how much you try. This was one of them.
3 ~ ... on a Friday night, I was racing to get the last tube home. Getting to platform level, I spotted a tube with its doors open, and ran for it. I hate to say 'the next thing I know', but the next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor, screaming. My left leg didn't 'mind the gap' and dangled under the train alongside all the rats and flesh-eating mechanics, while my left buttock sat on the platform.
Not only was it the wrong train, but I'd ripped my jeans in the process.
2 ~ ... I was sat in my room having a perfunctory wank to some pornography. As soon as the filthy act of self-abasement was over and I had deposited my issue into a paper receptacle, I switched off the television and sighed. It was then that the dark screen caught the reflection of the window cleaner doing his job directly behind me.
1 ~ ... I was on holiday in Prague. It was extremely pleasant, other than the fact that as a single man abroad, I failed to pull anyone. The nearest I got to female contact was in a bar near the Kafka museum. I sat there feeling slightly sheepish while a cute barmaid chainsmoked, looking all blonde and modelesque while she stole glances.
"Is she keen?" I dared to wonder as she asked faintly probing little questions about myself. Could I possibly, and for the first time in my life, be about to indulge in a brief if physically intense classic Holiday Romance™? I thought it best to smile and play it cool, pop into the bathroom to freshen myself a little more confident, and see where things lead.
It lead to the toilet, where I found myself producing a stool of such immense girth and length that several flushes couldn't budge it. Continued attempts would've flooded the room, so I'd ended up balancing a now shitty brush on the edge of the seat and walking out in shame.
More grotesque memories can be found here:
9 ~ Please Don't Make Me Get Toyah
8 ~ Glass-Hole
7 ~ Wanker's Revenge
6 ~ Unnecessary List of Exes and Fumbles
5 ~ NSFW vs. No Sex
4 ~ Physi-Oh
3 ~ Disgusting Individual
2 ~ How Not To Have Sex
1 ~ How To Remain Single