Monday, March 30, 2009

Nothing To Declare

Do you remember when you'd pull faces when you were younger, and your mother would warn you that the wind would change and you'd be stuck like that forever?

Instead of pulling faces, I've been either sitting on my arse trying to watch everything on Youtube, or working said arse off in a small office in Central London. And the wind has changed.

I have nothing to declare. There are only so many times I can blog that I've gained weight and wanked myself into a coma until someone decides they have to kill me.

My boss has since returned from a two weeks sojourn that I'd spent running his company into the ground. The Sunday evening before his return, I was overjoyed with happiness. I'd worked a fortnight from hell, smoked my last cigarette ever, and was ready to dive back into writing my (Ha!) novel. Even that strange, swollen, stressed upper lip I'd gained in his absence had begun to simmer down.

Then I get to work on Monday morning and he hands me 200 Japanese cigarettes as a slow death thank you. For some reason, that gift gave me the green light to forget cycling to work, allowed me to avoid lettuce and fruit smoothies, and somehow sanctioned spending my evenings chainsmoking while I watched atheist geeks from Louisiana 'pwn' Young Earth Creationists, whilst simultaneously playing Spider Solitaire (wins to date: 1,748; losses, 7,082)

But mentally, I'm okay. I accept my uselessness. I am a failing human being, more than a bit crap and lonely. Noting my recent futile attempts at reconciliation, my American ex-girlfriend decided to email me for British chocolate, which I dutifully posted off to the East coast. She returned the favour with a picture of her looking lovely, leaving me feeling a little bit sick and remorseful.

In other news, I bought myself a smart new winter overcoat, several months too late. (Reduced from £130 to £47 though. I practically shat myself when I saw the discount.)

Yes, that's my news; I've bought myself a coat.

However, it's a magic coat, one that renders me 7% sexier. Last night, on the tube, I sat opposite a gorgeous Chinese girl who stared at me repeatedly without vomiting. It was the single most erotic moment of my life, barring those infrequent times I've had sex. I almost considered putting up one of those pathetic notices in the newspaper; 'To the gorgeous Chinese girl on the Central Line I sat opposite. You were glamorous and elfin, with shimmering, pink lips and glowing eyes. I was sweating profusely and grinning like I was trying to appease a mugger. Please contact this paper to improve Anglo-Sino relations. In bed.'

But the icing on the cake these last three weeks has to be my mate Russell coming through for me. He's set me up with one of his many lady friends. We are currently at the emailing stage. Blundering along with outrageous inevitability will be the number-swapping moment and its awkward conversations, followed by the eventual meet, which will either go a) surprisingly well or, b) badly.

I hope I have sex phenomenally soon - Sorry to be blunt, Russ. I have to have sex, and quickly. (Ironic choice of word, as that happy moment will probably last about five to six nanoseconds. I can see myself in a dimly lit bedroom, frantically removing my shirt or that of my lady companion's, then pausing to sigh as I turn and squelch off to the bathroom to remove my jeans and unleash a tidal wave of premature ejaculate onto the cold, tiled floor.

If it wasn't for my daily self-abasement, I'd basically be a lump of hardened semen on legs.

All of which makes me realise; I last enjoined in coital congress with a female human lifeform during my 32nd birthday weekend (ironic again), back in 2006.

I haven't had sex for three years. That's THREE FUCKING YEARS. (Kindly don't point out that it isn't.)

No wonder. No bloody wonder.

26 comments:

Z said...

Damn, darling, if you'd been a bit quicker off the mark you could have had dinner with me and Dandelion on Sunday. No sex but awfully good company.

daisyfae said...

Jeebus H. Roosevelt Christ McGee! A new coat? Such a bargain! If that doesn't get you laid, i don't know what will!

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Don’t knock masturbation. You don’t have to buy an expensive dinner or beg beforehand. Afterwards, you can guiltlessly fall into a peaceful sleep.

McTodd said...

Plus ça change, plus c'est la meme chose...

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Well for gods sake Fwenge. A date with the email lady is defo in the bag, therefore time to quit the fags and make yourself as delectable as your jiggling gut will allow, no? Get on it! Let's get you laid!

Ellie said...

Please, please do something about these anglo-sino affairs. Like have them!

Paperbag Princess said...

I don't expect this to make you feel any better whatsoever, but... Having been unceremoniously dumped by my once significant other a few months ago, you are possibly the only reason I haven't fallen into the 'all men are bastards', bitter and twisted camp. And trust me, it's been tempting. Now, sod all the gloom, let's go and get drunk.

Homer said...

I suspect, Sir, you to be one of those men with impossibly high standards who secretly prefers being alone to having to settle for an imperfect woman. The way you reacted to the girl you fancied eating chips was the final nail in the coffin of my prejudice.

3 years without sex though... shit, I'd have killed myself by now.

Dandelion said...

Dear fweng, I really do think you should try and think about something else.

I feel the reason why you're not getting any sex might be because of your attitude. It's been said before, I know, but maybe if you could see women as actual people, instead of sex-things, and stop seeing sex as an end in itself, well then you might find you'll get some.

Dandelion said...

ps, If you want it that bad, why not pay a prostitute, and get it out of your system?

jenn said...

Three years? Dear God. That was enough to bring me out of lurkdom. Doesn't that cause brain cells to die?

To think I was whining about a year.

luna said...

That yank's just using you so stopitstopitstopit.
Or go bang your head on London wall like you're an autist,now that 'd be entertainment.

McTodd said...

Dandelion:
I feel the reason why you're not getting any sex might be because of your attitude. It's been said before, I know, but maybe if you could see women as actual people, instead of sex-things, and stop seeing sex as an end in itself, well then you might find you'll get some.


Nah, he's not really like that, it's just the way he come across on this blog.

i am not your freud said...

so how is the emailing thing going?

well you could always try and pick someone up in a bar but you never seem to get past the "deciding to try" part. you can't complain as long as you do nothing about it - or worse, prevent yourself from doing it. remember the last time you c-blocked yourself?

and switch to my english blog already!! the one you're following is in turkish.

digressica said...

Would you like me to bake you some cupcakes?

fwengebola said...

Z ~ Thank you again. You really do seem most keen to get me round yours for lunch.
df ~ Don't mock the coat. It really is very lovely, and women are noticing it. Then again, my last coat was really very filthy (I know now), which may explain those looks of disgust.
Or maybe that was all down to me.
UB ~ I like your assumption that it's always guiltless. (Three within the space of an hour + chafing cream = slight disgust)
McT ~ Touché
PDEWYMO ~ The emailing is going very slowly. Unfortunately for her, she's engaging with the world's most unresponsive man.
Ellie ~ I'M TRYING!!!
PP ~ All men are bastards, actually. I'm just in the unusual position of you listening to me state three years of my case.
Hom ~ Hmmm, I'd agree slightly. Okay, I agree fully. And of course I'm ageing relentlessly and in less of a position to remain fussy with each passing hour.
Dand ~ I don't think of women as sex-things, thankyouverymuch, but I do consider the possibility of sex-things happening when some women come along.
Dand ~ No thanks. 34 years of not having to pay for sex (directly) and counting.
Jenn ~ HELLO! Thanks for unlurking. Yes, I'm disgusted with myself. I hope to break that duck soon (with a woman I love, etc.)
Lune ~ Oh welcome back. I don't think she's using me. We're both probably emotionally using each other. Blame the Atlantic.
McT ~ Yes, there is a tendency to sound miserable and mysogynistic here. Sorry.
IANYF ~ The emailing is going s-l-o-w-l-y. I don't think I have the confidence to bar-pickup, or at least I do sometimes, but the conditions have to be perfect, and the lady in question extremely desperate/ mental/ blind.
I'll re-blog to your English version later!
Dig ~ YES PLEASE.

Z said...

Indeed, I'm very hospitable.

Dandelion said...

"I don't think of women as sex-things, thankyouverymuch, but I do consider the possibility of sex-things happening when some women come along."

Well exactly. That's the same thing, essentially. That's what I was getting at. Try thinking about something else when a woman comes along, I think you'll get a lot further if you do.

Also, if the alternative to paying for sex is to not have any for three years, then I'd say you're in a position where you do have to pay for sex. And counting.
Anyway, there are ways to get sex without paying for it, that I don't think you might have tried yet.

McTodd said...

Dandelion said...
...there are ways to get sex without paying for it, that I don't think you might have tried yet.


Yeah - Beaker.

Dandelion said...

Don't get it.

fwengebola said...

Z ~ and quick to comment.
Dand ~ I don't think it's fair to point out that because a young, single women has sexparts perfectly compatible with mine (if not particularly wanted), that means I shouldn't think about the possibility of me going near them.
I'm not paying for sex.
McT ~ Oh goody.
Dand ~ A friend of ours, Dandelion. Chipper, friendly, lavender. Keen for me to come out of the closet so he can debase me.
We call him 'Beaker' because he looks like this.

Z said...

Yes, I'm efficient too.

Dear heart, if you simply wanted sex, you've had opportunities or could make them. You want a relationship too, don't you?

luna said...

What Dandelion means,they can see you're leching.And they recoil.

Dandelion said...

fweng so what you're saying is you could have sex for free any time you wanted to, you're just choosing not to, right?

and yes, luna sums it up perfectly.

Dandelion said...

z No, I think he just wants sex.

fwengebola said...

Z ~ *cough* Sort of. I've always felt a bit odd about swapping juices then walking away forever. Perhaps I should accept that that can often be no bad thing.
Lune ~ Ah, but I don't letch. Just smiling and saying hello gives women reason enough to assume that's a letch. In which case it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as okay, it's a sort of letch.
I've just refuted myself.
Dand ~ OKAY, look... I do want sex, but I also want a relationship if the said person is right. If not, I reserve the right to at least enjoy the sex and hope it was reciprocated, and that everything ends amicably and painlessly. To that end, it's guaranteed painless for both parties when I don't even try, although it ultimately becomes painful for me 36 months down the road, The End.