Wednesday, February 04, 2009

How To Not Have Sex

Last Friday, after work, I found myself eating vegan (i.e. fundamentalist vegetarianism) on a fucking bus in London's fashionable East End™. It was my mate's girlfriend's birthday, and I was surrounded by 80% women, mostly single.

The odds were good. Very good. Or they would have been had I not been a) vulgar within the first three seconds, and b) insulting.

My first mistake was to exit the meeting place that was the Vibe Bar, announcing loudly and within lady-ears that it was a "Nest of cunts".

My second was when we were sat on the top deck of the restaurant. A section of the girls were lost in their own bubble, clapping their hands wildly as they shrieked at one another in some kind of high-pitched conversation competition, fighting over the one digital camera as they did so.

Apropos of nothing, I felt the need to mimic their camp clap as I yelled, 'God, I love hanging out with screeching women.'

I silenced the bus.

Truth be told, I had more pressing concerns beyond regretting making women hate me. How the hell was I going to fill up on vegan food, a cuisine that shuns everything of animal origin? Goodbye cheese, auf weidersehen milk, au revoir eggs. And as for plump chicken breast on a bed of slaughtered calf with a coulis of cowsblood, FORGET IT.

Nonetheless, my tofu was fine, if missing a little je ne sais quoi (meat). Eating vegan is like watching the world's shortest film in the world's most expensive cinema. However, I did get to eat next to a charming Italian lady who, dare I say it, seemed keen.
And I didn't seem to repulse her.
In fact she even seemed a little bit flirty.

So I was utterly thrilled to return to the bus having used someone else's toilet, and saw her leaving only midway into the evening.

We kissed goodbye on both cheeks. 'I'll hopefully see you again', I said.
'I hope so', she replied.

Then she walked away and I sighed, because I knew that if I ruled the world, the whole planet would die of apathy because I'm incapable of doing anything.

The bus thinned. The shriekers had gone, and paid their share ruthlessly individually. (FEMALE READERS: I have never eaten out with 18 people who insisted beforehand that the waiter kept a detailed record of who ate what. Please tell me this isn't normal lady behaviour, and if it is, remind me to never buy a couple of bottles of wine for the table because it'll be descended on like vultures dive-bombing a corpse and I won't get so much as a 'cheers'.)

A delightfully intriguing Australian lady chatted to me from across the bus, then came and joined me. An interesting turn of events. Before long, the small group we became headed to a bar on Brick Lane that specialised in £40 cocktails served in a plastic fishbowl with enough ice in it to sink a small trawler.

So we had another. And another. Whilst outside having a little cigarette and a chat with the Polish bouncer, my friend's girlfriend came out to call me an idiot and demanded I make a move on her antipodean ladyfriend.

'Yeah, she's into you.'
'But what about the guy she's with?'
'They're just friends.'

Jesus. An in. A definite, guaranteed, something-may-happen in.

And here's what did happen: We chatted. We flirted. She sat on my hand at one point. I kept it there, and no-one cared.

Apart from the guy she was with.

'Leave it,' he said to me later. 'She's not that keen.'

Now I'm no detective, but her body language, my flattened hand, and the 'Well do something then' instruction made me think she was keen. Furthermore, I'd chatted to this guy earlier, and he was a decent chap. I also spotted him as a fellow member of the Unrequited Club, and I began to feel for him. I imagined what I must have looked like through his eyes; some slobbering, inebriated chancer who'd just bumped into the love of his life while he watched, praying the earth would swallow him as his friend he could never upgrade into his girl cut his soul to shreds. Oh I've been there many times, and there was no way on earth I wanted to be the bloke who fucks people over like that, perhaps because I can't.

So I stopped being horny and didn't do anything. It wasn't difficult. A short while later I was instructed to escort lady to the toilets, which in the event ended up as her dragging me down there in hurried silence. And as we approached the door and she pushed it open, I walked away listening to the telltale sound of violent projectile vomiting.

We all left the bar after that, I took a couple of wrong buses home, and ended up walking for ages and collapsing in bed, alone, at 6:30am.
Total commute across London: 3 hours.
Sense that I did the right thing: Vague to middling.


daisyfae said...

you did the right thing - no point tormenting the poor bastard. your empathy is compelling...

BUT, you can get her number and follow up, get her out with out the emo-parasite, and nail her properly...

The Unbearable Banishment said...

For instigating celibacy, nothing is more effective than marriage. And that’s all I’m going to say about that subject.

sas said...

You should head to a Walkabout.

Those Aussie shiela's will be lining up to sit on your face if you offer to buy them a pint of snakebite.

Dom said...

The whole meticulous "I'm only paying for what I ate" thing isn't just limited to the laydeez but it tends to be them. Does make me laugh because most of my mates will round up to the nearest £10 and lob in notes so it would have been cheaper for those doing all the maths to just shut up and round down to the nearest £10 on theirs. No one would know.

Personally I'd not have given her male friend a second thought and would have happily crushed him. If you meekly sit there and back off because you think some other guy is into her you'll always come last. If he's her friend he's had plenty of time to get in there. He failed. his problem.

bluesoup said...

Dom, that is because you are a heartless, wicked ladyman.

You did the right thing by that poor sap. Sadly, it wasn't the right thing to do by yourself. All's fair in love and pulling. Still, better continue the drought than live with the eternal guilt of crushing that bloke's heart (again).

One day good karma will catch up with you. Just stop running so fast!

Digressica said...

Gosh, so many things to say. Where do I start?

Firstly, 'nest of cunts'? You're right to be ashamed of that, hope you've learned your lesson, doubt you have though.

Secondly, my oh my. Your best chance in recent times to get a shag and you bailed due to some displaced sense of gentlemanly... whateverness. I love it. I mean, I say 'displaced' but I do think you did a nice thing. (Notice I didn't say 'the right thing' though.)

Thirdly, as a young Australian woman living in London I'm mildly offended by one of the above comments.

Fourthly, after reading your blog for awhile I have this weird feeling I know you, through a friend of a friend of a friend. Does your first name start with an M?

Lastly... this whole post was BRILLIANT. So many great calls, my favourite being 'Eating vegan is like watching the world's shortest film in the world's most expensive cinema'.

Oh wait, that wasn't lastly, this is lastly: I'm following you on Twitter, and yet you're not following me back. Owwwww, my feelings.

Huw said...

You might not be the bloke who fucks people over like that, but it sounds like Pathetic Peter got to fuck two people over at once.

I instruct you to do some investigative work into the Italian.

Anonymous said...

i think everyone is missing the point somewhat. the big question is: "would we?" pace, with angles, and all over the shop? and thats not negating the possibility of costumes too. so i ask you again - would we?

if the answer is 'yes', then get balls deep ruby lad, have fun finding out whether she has, for example, bloodhound's jowels for beef curtains, the sort that could track an escaped convict over dartmoor, anything really.....and most of all enjoy!

Dandelion said...

Does "nest of cunts" mean "a den of ladies", or "a bunch of wankers"? It's only offensive if you meant it the first way, but given that you were talking about the Vibe Bar, my first instinct is that you meant it the second way. I wouldn't have found that offensive at all!

And can I just say, it's all very well doing the right thing by that chap, but what about the girl?? What about what she wanted? Doesn't look like you gave a toss for her feelings, eh? Nice blooming attitude, mate!

Speaking as a woman that's been lumbered most of her adult life with various chaps in unrequited love with me, it is so annoying and unfair when someone I do actually fancy backs off for the sake of someone I don't. It's like having albatrosses around your neck.

Just because someone fancies me, doesn't mean they own me, does it? Doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to pull who I want to, does it? Having been on the receiving end of this type of male conspiracy, it is so unfair. Please say you'll ring her.

Z said...

No harm in giving her a ring, since your friend's girlfriend will be able to give you her number. I think you'd get on much better when you haven't got a load of people round ready to give advice (I'm not meaning me, obviously. In person, I'm wonderfully tactful).

On the other hand, it's fine to have a good evening out, chat to some friendly women and say goodnight at the end. Life isn't really about a quick shag, and you'll end up with a woman who appreciates not being thought of as an easy target instead of a person.

Not that women aren't sometimes up for a good night out with no strings. Of course.

Dandelion said...

Well said, zed.

Personally, I've got a new rule, which is not to have sex with anyone until they've married me. I think all women should take up this rule, it's a really good way to avoid wankers.

Homer said...

Just checked out the link. The prices seem... ambitious, and they can't spell appetisers.

I would never in a million years have missed out on a shag because of some sad-case hanger-on's bleeding heart. You're either a saint or a sap.

Z said...

Or cause them, Dandelion. But your reasoning is sound.

The food doesn't seem very sustaining, does it? Fine for a light lunch, perhaps. For girls. By the way, I wouldn't dream of working out exactly what I'd eaten and paying for that. Not typical of the women I know either.

unc said...

I have eaten* at that bus while it was at the Spanish festival/shambles in Brick Lane last year.

As per normal vegans, a shower of pretentious cunts who should be force fed fois gras and crated veal.

They are worse than christians, who should be rounded up and nailed to a big red bus full of cunts and driven to Brixton wearing "Black People ate my Grandma the big feckers" t-shirts.

Harsh but fair, that's me.

*forced chaff down my throat more like it.

Quote said...


Dandelion said...

Eating "at a bus"?? Do what?

i am not your freud said...

damn you did it again: you cokblocked yourself. you always find a good excuse not to sleep with a woman. maybe it's because you don't want the whole sport sex thing, but then you shouldn't complain about the lack of sex.

McTodd said...

" always find a good excuse not to sleep with a woman."

Well, Fweng, you know what Beaker would say... (apart from 'meep' and 'mer', that is)

kidneyboy said...

Aim higher than drunk antipodeans, Fweng, even you should maintain standards. Although that chap telling you to leave it deserves no sympathy whatsoever. Grow a pair, why don't you?

Trixie said...

Oi! Kidney boy!!!!

What's wrong with drunk antipodeans????? You make it sound as if we are the scum on a pond!

Lets hope you got the italian AND the Aussie's number, you never know!

(at least I dont chunder in toilets...what a waste of booze that would be!)

Robbie said...

Wait, a bus?

luna said...

Pfff this jerk behaved like a mafioso sounds to me.And she was trying to get you to save her from his cosa nostra clutches and what do you do?You roll over and out!

Have you phoned her since?

fwengebola said...

df ~ I think I did do the right thing, thank you. However, I also think the time for fun has passed. Any shenanigans with that lady would require an effort being made on my part.
UB ~ I have heard that so often, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm secretly married myself.
Sas ~ You're right. There's one up the road from me too. I should probably go to one - or should I?
Dom ~ You are truly a hard man. If I was being fair though, had I thought this lady was the be-all-and-end-all Woman of my Dreams™, then I may have been more inclined to kick that chap to the kerb.
But she wasn't, so I didn't.
Bluesoup ~ Yes, exactly, karma. Lovely idea, load of rubbish in reality. Still, it would be nice to get some karma coming my way.
Dig ~ The Vibe is a nest of cunts. I can't apologise for that.
I'm still in two minds about the whole gentlemanly thing, though. Better a gentleman than an idiot? I have no idea.
If the comment's from SAS, she's a Kiwi I believe.
OH MY GOD, you know me....
Wait, my real name doesn't start with an M, either of them.
I'm glad you liked the post. Consider yourself Twitted.
Huw ~ Do you know I've done no Italian investigation at all? I think I am an idiot. Perhaps I should make a comment.
Anon ~ Jesus Christ, who are you? And stop guessing who I am!
Dand ~ The cunts angle was obviously directed at men. And thank you for introducing me to a new view; that I hurt her feelings. That said, I'm not sure if she actually remembers the whole night.
Z ~ Hmmpfh, I could get her number, I s'pose. But I am sorta looking for no hassle, and everything about that seems hassley. That said, Craigslist seems too easy and I'm scared of it.
There, I said it.
(Not that you even mentioned Craigslist.)
Dand ~ And everyone in between.
Homer ~ A little from column A, and a little from column B.
Z ~ I feel like I'm getting in the way of someone else's conversation.
Unc ~ I take it you mean 'grated', not 'crated'. Either way, I agree. It's a little extreme. The food was fine, but is it really necessary to avoid succulent, beautiful meat?
Q ~ Thank you.
Dand ~ It was on a bus, dear.
IANYF ~ I like the term 'sport sex', but then I've never been very sporty. And you may be right about my cockblocking myself.
McT ~ I AM NOT GAY. How many more times? (Remind Beaker, please.)
KB ~ Is that who I think it is, you little sausage? How's the internals????
Yes, I could do better. Beyonce, perhaps, or Kelly Brook.
Trix ~ Australians are loads of fun, I believe. They will vomit regularly though. I wish I had the balls to get both numbers, then nail them, then move on with my life - but I'm just not that kind of bloke. Once we'd exchanged fluids, I'd at least feel I partly owed them some attention.
Robbie ~ Christ, not again.
Luna ~ Nooooo, because I'm a loser.
Welcome back.

Anonymous said...

you did the wrong thing

fwengebola said...