Monday, February 23, 2009

Always The Bridesmaid...

... as my Mum put it this afternoon, because I'm going to be a Best Man again; Oh, the honour, aah, the responsibility, hooray! the nervewracking speech in a crowded room as hundreds of critical eyes silently judge me.

I wish I could get over my public speaking anxiety, but it's like getting naked in the gents' changing room; I'm perfectly capable of doing it. I can even pretend that I'm not bothered about it - but I don't particularly enjoy it.

Nonetheless, it is a great honour to be Jimmy's oxymoronic Best Man, particularly as there were at least four other guys in the running ahead of myself. In fact, I'm still perplexed that it's me.

In other very vague 'news':

* I've had a haircut. I now look like a neo-Nazi.

* I have discovered I've regained all the weight I lost in October, plus a few extra pounds for good measure. I am now on another diet, as of this morning.

* I have given up smoking again. It's been 24 hours so far and I'm managing to resist the urge to kill.

* I went swimming for the first time this year. That's it.

* I discovered Google Reader and added an armada of blogs into it. Some of you may have noticed that I had been regularly leaving comments on your sites.
Now I'm not.
Sorry.

* I will be writing every night and finishing my damn book. It is an albatross around my neck.

* And finally, after watching 10 Years Younger last week (I saw their first tragic man on there), I've decided once and for all to cull my clothing and max out my credit card on SMART NEW GARMS. For too many years, I've promised myself a brand new wardrobe only once I lose weight or when I get a girlfriend to demand I do, but as I've proved to be clinically undateable and as weak-willed as a heroin addict backpacking through Afghanistan, I'm taking the plunge regardless.
I've already schlepped a bunch of schmutters to my local charity shop. And today, my £100 handmade leather brogues arrived in the post (75% off).
I've never had a little ejaculation from footwear before. Now I can't wait to tear my ankles to ribbons as women check those beauties out.

That is all.

*UPDATE* I'm now smoking. I'm really, really sorry.

21 comments:

i am not your freud said...

your hair will grow soon enough, yaaay for cool shoes, good luck with the book and leave comments regularly on my site or else... (phone hang up effect)

Z said...

No need to diet and give up smoking at the same time. How long until the wedding? You must be better at the Best Man stuff than you say you are or you wouldn't keep on being asked. Surely?

daisyfae said...

i'm still fat, but focusing on 'health'. rather than cool shoes? i buy industrial-strength lingerie to repackage my bits.

probably wouldn't work for you, but i think you're on the right track. get a few good wardrobe pieces that fit and mix and match and all that...

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Do you know what the difference is between a good haircut and a bad haircut? About 10 days.

Fair warning: Google Reader is a slippery slope. Add too many subscriptions and keeping up with them will become a full time job.

For quitting smoking you get an A+ for effort but an F- for results. Try again.

chopperbomb said...

How many times have you been a Best Man now? Four? Be comforted in the fact that so many people consider you be one of their best friends. I have never been asked and am never likely to asked to be anyone's BM. Gutted.

The real chopperbomb said...

Do you know another chopperbomb? Cos I didn't write that post above. I kind of agree with what the other me said though. Apart from the being gutted bit!

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Posh new clothes, a haircut, diet, best man?

Who are you kidding, Fwenge. Get on over to my blog, we're playing the Minge Game in a comments box.

Clarissa said...

The lows and the downs. What a pendulum swing.

C said...

me bridesmaid again too-fucking hell. Mind, it IS an honour, means alot of people REALLy like you. So I'm good.

Anonymous said...

Where did you get the handmade shoes from?

kyknoord said...

Oh well, that's a relief. You had me thinking "going on a diet AND giving up smoking? Oh yeah, that's gonna end well..."

looby said...

The comments along the lines of "never mind, people like you" are very similar to ones I get when I'm moaning about never havng sex. I'd trade a bit of being liked for a bit of actual sex.

fwengebola said...

Elif ~ Right, yes, thank you. I will endeavour to reply to something.
Z ~ You're right, but when I diet I also cycle to work like I'm always late and such exertions play havoc with my lungs. Plus I'm getting strange heart palpitations. I should probably quit. I think people appreciate the stag arranging/ looking like I can write and perform a good speech. Those two facts alone put me above a lot of blokes, even if they're more qualified in the mate stakes.
df ~ Mentally, it seems like the right thing to do. It's terribly exciting. I'd even advocate you going to Victoria's Secret and stock-piling $100 thongs.
UB ~ Yes it is a full time job. I found myself returning from work and sighing at the glut of posts I felt honour-bound to reply to, so in time-honoured tradition, I stopped.
10 days on and my hair's still short. It really was a drastic haircut.
CB ~ Don't be gutted, chops. It's a lot of pressure and work.
The 'Real' CB ~ I see. Weirdo.
PDEWYMO ~ Duly commented.
Clar ~ It's getting ridiculous. I've got 2.5 years of the same old shit down here.
C ~ Oh really? Congratulations.
Amazon ~ If you're a mate and you're trying to make me out this, I'll kill you.
It was Amazon. I buy my shoes from Amazon.com.
There. I said it.
Kyknoord ~ Oh, hello. Well it's not easy. See my cycle/ smoke comment above.
Looby ~ I'd like to attempt being hated whilst getting laid. Just for a week.

Trixie said...

Go to the doctors mate, and sign up for the smoking clinic...just involves seeing the health visitor once a week to start...advise you what aid you need, monitor you...it will be 3 months next week that I quit.

C said...

that sounded incredibly sarcy..

Sonny Amou said...

Surprising to read that you'd be gunshy on anything related to speeches, toasts, et cetera. I sense that you're always one drink away from being the guy with the lampshade hat. And that perhaps you don't need the drink for even that.

Hope your back is better.
Pax,
SA

fwengebola said...

Trix ~ 3 months? Really? Is that your longest? I'm tempted, but I hate the idea of committing to a once-weekly doctor's visit.
Christ, that sounds pathetic.
C ~ You're right, it does. I'm really sorry as for once I wasn't being sarcastic - unhappy emoticon face.
SA ~ It's a good attention/ bad attention thing. I think I can handle bad attention as I can be all 'Fuck You' about it (I belive Freud coined that term.)
Good attention like a speech just plain scares me.
And the back's on the mend, cheers.

Trixie said...

It doesn't have to be once a week, when you can fit it in. It's best to start weekly for the first month though....to give you the best result. And yes...that is my longest...and I have no intention of ever starting up again..and more importantly...I'm the same weight I was three months ago..so you CAN quit and not put on weight!

fwengebola said...

Pleeeeeeeeease tell me you haven't succombed thus far. I'll have to check out your blog...

luna said...

Did you set aside a few bob for the essentials?#
Like,a NEW MATTRESS ?

fwengebola said...

My matress is fine. My bedding, less so.