Saturday, January 03, 2009

Waste of Space

If apathy and low self-esteem were country-sized, mine would be Russia. Which is big.

I have had like everyone else a lovely chunk off work with Xmas and New Year's neatly sandwiched inside like a chicken fajita stuffed full of fun. The only problem is I've totally wasted it; the contents of the wrap being sparsely-filled shit. I've barely left the flat, I'm eating yellow food, and I've written NO MORE THAN TWO LINES of my shitty novel - and that's annoyed me the most; all that free time, and I've barely tackled my little project (not a euphemism for onanism, which has continued unabated, thank you.)

Instead I've sat in my room in front of my computer, almost about to write but never quite managing to switch off spider fucking solitaire, or being able to stop watching Ross Kemp on Gangs. Or Abigail's Party. Or Religulous. Or anything else I could dream up to watch on Youtube instead of creatively writing my way out of the rut that is my life.

I've chainsmoked. I've stayed up til 6am. I've wished I had a little more fucking willpower. I've tried keeping my spirits up, even as I've sat here, fag in mouth and beer on desk and sighing while Ross Kemp tries to look nonchalant in front of a South African rapist just as our fucking resident mouse runs under my bedroom door and pauses to look up at me in disgust.

On the plus side, I had a very pleasant New Year's with Ed in Central London - we went to a cocktail bar, I spent about £100.00 without meaning to, and got a free tube home at 3am with thousands of other revellers.

Xmas was suitably short; I went to stay at my Mum's in just-North-of-London, kept the TV-watching-on-my-arse to a minimum, and managed to race back to my flat as soon as possible for what became an internet-watching-on-my-arse extravaganza instead.

On the minus side - and this could be huge - my mobile phone is fucked, rendering the sending of text messages an extremely aggravating process, so I've not bothered. Apologies to any friends if you're wondering why I appear not to be keeping in touch.

Furthermore, it feels like I've regained all that weight I lost in October.

It's fucking cold out, and I am trying to come to terms with commuting back to work on my pushbike in a couple of days.

I am a non-writing, weak-willed fat bastard.

I am smoking a lot.

I don't want to go back to work. I think I can see myself quitting my job this year, with or without a finished novel.

I am not particularly angry, or miserable, or depressed. I'm just really fed up. Comments telling me to chill the fuck out will not be appreciated. Comments stating that you're fed up too will be just the ticket.

I'd love to be positive and full of hope for 2009, but truth be told it'll just be another year of the same old bullshit, interspersed with occasional bouts of nothing.



Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Fantastico - someone else in a rut the size of Africa. AND my friend just text me with a definite precurser to a night out cancellation. Woop! Saturday night party time.

Anonymous said...

i'm tired. tired of making the effort... going through the motions. inclined to say 'fuck it all', grab a case of Froot Loops and some illegal chemicals and just speedball to the finish line...

you're an inspiration... happy fucking 2009.

Dandelion said...

dear fweng. I do know where you're at, only my self-esteem is a little smaller than russia...

I think part of the problem is that you might be putting all your eggs in one basket though: If writing your book is the only way out of your rut, then that's naturally going to be quite a lot of pressure. Fingers in pies, fweng, fingers in pies, and lots of 'em.

And while we're at it, cycling is fine, if you like it, but I don't think that you do. Why put yourself through it? There's nicer ways to skin a cat, surely?

If you're not careful, I'll come round your house and make you happy.

chopperbomb said...

Chill the fuck out!

Anonymous said...

i, sadly, echo your sentiments re 2009.

Anonymous said...

im fed up! and fed up of being fed up (i dunno if thats worse or not?) but with good intentions of 'doing stuff' sometime soon. ish...

Dandelion said...

Nice edit. Now my comment looks stupid. :-)

Z said...

You couldn't look stupid, Dand. Nor can you Fweng. You're too good a fucking writer and if I could write like that I would.

Life is indeed a bitch and then you really do die. Which is such a comforting thought. Wouldn't it be dreadful if immortality were to be inflicted on us?

Dandelion is good company. I'd be cross with you if you encouraged her to smoke more, but you could suggest a cup of tea together.

snowqueen said...

I've put off writing my article by spending more time than usual checking out my blogfriends blogrolls. So at least finding yours wasn't an entire waste of time. And I've been ill for most of my 2 weeks off work...

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Do you smoke pot, as well? Just curious. I can’t afford it. It’s so bloody expensive here in the States.

For a few words about writing from Charles Bukowski, please see this recent post.

Dom said...

I've actually had a good Christmas and New Year but I too am filled with the dread and foreboding that having to go back to work tomorrow brings.

C said...

You cheer me up :)

Quote said...

I'm getting married in December.

looby said...

Maybe disconnect the computer for a few days in a ways that's really awkward for it to be put back on?

Or really overdo the drugs for a while?

Find some ancient Indian wanking manual to make it more interesting?

Definitely take Dandelion up on the tea idea.

Speed dating?

And it's no consolation for you either, but the thought of going back to work tomorrow almost makes me cry. I find myself shaking my head in wonderment that something so pointless and empty is going to have me pretending to give a shit again at 9am tomorrow.

Uncle Hunty said...

I agree, being told to simply cheer the fuck up doesn't work.

The only solution to this is to smash stuff you really don't want to break and clearly can't afford to replace/lose permanently. It works(temporarily) for me. A blind rage where you throw, say, a cordless phone at the wall, then when it doesn't break sufficiently you take it into the bathroom where the floor is tile over concrete. Then you smash the fuck out of it. That works. And it's fun.

Why don't you spend a week getting nice a tired by purposely going to bed at 2am. On friday when you get home from work, eat a large pizza, smoke a big fat cigar, drink a bottle of brandy and chase it all down with a large tub of ice cream. Then start writing about how miserable you feel and how the pursuit of happiness is ultimately fucking pointless. At least then you will be writing what you know. That is the point of writing, do what you know, it will be better.

I do what I know. I am an Aussie and I know BBQ. First BBQ of the year is in 3 weeks. You aren't invited you miserable chain smoking ranga pommie bastard.

On second thought, don't listen to me, I'm an idiot.

fwengebola said...

PDEWYMO ~ I am pleased that you too feel shit. And I mean that in a nice, caring way. Hope your Saturday was pleasant in the end.
df ~ Ooh, sounds like fun, barring those fruit loops. Isn't that a breakfast cereal or something?
Dand ~ Hmmm, you're probably right about the way I see the book. Perhaps I should just chill the fuck out.
Yeah, go on, cheer me up, but I may well leech some of my negativity on you.
cb ~ Nice.
thm ~ Bless you. That was heartfelt.
MT ~ That's too positive, dammit! But go for it, etc.
Dand ~ It had to be done. Thank you for initially pointing it out.
Z ~ Are you suggesting a romp? In a strange way, I like your nihilistic idea that death is good. Not that I want to speed things up though.
SQ ~ Hello there. I'm pleased you've found something nice amidst all this bitterness. I hope you're feeling better, etc etc.
UB ~ Nah, I stopped smoking pot years ago when I became more introspective than ever. I can't see it being more expensive over there than it is over here where it doesn't grow naturally. It used to be £15 p/quarter ounce when I last smoked the stuff; £20 for skunk. Oh, those happy student years.
I'll read that link in a mo.
Dom ~ Bless you Dom. That was yesterday, and now I'm back and going through the motions of work. It feels strangely odd though, as if I'm there in body only.
More so.
C ~ Yay! That's something.
Quote ~ Fuck, really? I mean congratulations. Great news.
Loo ~ I need this computer like I need my testicles to procreate. The irony of course is that I can't find a procreatee.
Overdoing drugs may not well be the best approach, although wanking, Indian or otherwise, will probably help. And your description of work was a perfectly succinct consolation. Thank you.
UH ~ Oh hello. I disagree, smashing things up for fun is possibly bad - or, hang on, is it? And I often piss about til 2am on a schoolnight. Doesn't help the next day, cigar or otherwise.
And call me a ranga again and I will send a flotilla of Brits to invade Melbourne to get hammered and not talk to the locals.

Z said...

A cup of tea is not a euphemism for a romp is it? Or am I out of touch?

fwengebola said...

Bloody hell, I'd only just replied. Have you got the internet hardwired into your head?

Z said...

I'm still working. It's barely 11 pm.

Dandelion said...

Woo-hoo! Name your poison.

Anonymous said...

My god....what a sad blog, with a thick veneer of self-pity. Get laid man, and get a life!

Anonymous said...

oh, sorry. dont worry its going really badly!

Anonymous said...

What? Do? You? Mean?

Anonymous said...

I would say Happy New Year, but I fear I may get my head in my hands to play with for beeing too damn cheery lol.

Great blog, made me smile. It's like watching Eastenders, only more depressing.Here in Scotterland, misery is quite an art form, but you really have it down to a tee. You're right, I reckon happiness is over-rated ;)).

And all the usual January malaise is not helped by wearing all the clothes I own (and several blankies at home) and still cracking off perma frost in the morning. I plan to be miserable for most of January.

Dandelion said...

In your own time.

fwengebola said...

Dand ~ Go to bed. 13 days ago.
Dand ~ Erm, tea.
Anon ~ What? Is that all there is to it? Oh brilliant!
MT ~ Thank you. That's better.
Anon ~ Be? More? Constructive? With? Your? Criticism?
Hull ~ Oh hello. I'm glad you find this miserable. Nice to know that it's colder in Scotland though. That's cheered me up a bit.
Dand ~ Are we arranging a date?

Dandelion said...

13 days ago.

luna said...

Another year of worse nothing.

Look on the bright side:you can now cut & paste all your misery posts day on day.What energy saving!

fwengebola said...

Or I could direct people to earlier whinges. They're all the same.