Monday, January 12, 2009


Wrath. Pestilence. Indignation. Apathy.
If you were sickened and irritated by my last self-pitying and miserable entry, it's probably best to stop reading now.

This post is being eeked out on a Monday morning at work, far from the soulless pit that is my bedroom - There is a place where nothing happens, other than toxic apathy and constant viewing of anything on YouTube whilst I chainsmoke and play til 5am the crystal meth of computer games: Spider Solitaire. In the last few months I have won something like 300 games and lost a total of 4,000 times - Now that's a real commitment to OCD.

I feel sick right now, a rising tide frothing in my stomach wherein bobs last night's 4 semi-digested chocolate muffins, some Tesco's onion rings, and some plastic-tasting chicken and mushroom slices that were old and had been reduced. This means that everything I ate yesterday was either yellow, or chocolate brown.

I am wearing my jeans, which feel like a restrictive straitjacket for my legs. I have gained weight quicker than a Belushi brother on a bender.

I can't be arsed to write, and feel creatively blocked and physically apathetic. I have nothing to offer. I am bloated and fed up. I do nothing and am nothing. I had 2.5 hours sleep last night, so I can add mild confusion to my tally of negative emotions. I am completely bored with and completely indifferent to everything. If I had a loaded gun, I'd play Russian Roulette out of sheer disinterest in not playing Russian Roulette.

The weather is shit. I've got the 3 year itch at work. When I've felt like this in the past, I've quit whatever job I'm doing, fled the country, and done nothing somewhere warm. I can't do that again as it ends the same way; with me thinner and back in a different job I don't care about where I gain weight and the whole process repeats itself.

I am 35 this year, 35, and I still have absolutely no idea where I'm going. I was like this at 25. Doing this at 45 will really suck.

I am a piece of raw sewage floating down the cracked drainpipe that is my life, a filthy, empty bottle bobbing in a river of vomit. I have nothing to tell of the last few days, other than you can watch Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back on YouTube, and it's crap.

* A lettuce, a fucking lettuce, costs £1.24 in Tescos, but yellow food is slighty cheaper, although you will feel very very ill afterwards.

* If your mother has a Hungarian housekeeper, she will accidentally email you a 2009 calendar of semi-naked men, in Hungarian.

* No amount of watching atheist videos on YouTube will fill the yawning chasm of emptiness in your soul.

* No amount of watching Christian fundamentalist videos on YouTube will remove those thoughts of wanting to cave their smug, judgemental faces in with a fucking brick.

* Artie Lange has a more drug addled & fatter life than me, yet has managed to make lots of money off the back of that. (Until yesterday I'd not heard of him either, but that's the upside of months spent aimlessly surfing YouTube.)

* All shit and no bike makes Jack a fat boy.

* You have to threaten your landlord with withholding rent if you want pest control to come round just to look at your mouse.

* Sooner or later, porn stops becoming erotic and starts to look like what it is; the sad gyrations of financially needy, morally bankrupt exhibitionists being fucked by men with no conscience. Even sadder is when you're pondering all this while your jeans are round your ankles and you're sighing, masturbating half-heartedly and sighing as hot tears of regret roll down your fat face, 37 more rounds of Spider Solitaire temporarily on hold while you squirt limply into a tissue before shuffling dejectedly into the kitchen to reheat a beige fucking cube.

I am really, really terribly bored by it all.


Dom said...

Isn't this where you go tool up with some form of automatic or semi automatic weaponry and try to take out as many people as you can before being taken down yourself?

Dandelion said...

I thought the whole point of men's trousers and pants was so they could get their cock out without taking the whole lot off.

While this is brilliant writing, it's too believable. As I have said, if you're not careful, I shall come round your house and make you happy.

Carnalis said...

you are still funny/clever

kndaf23 said...

Well, at least you're not freezing your bollocks off in Chicago like me. Today we have a blizzard warning, lovely!

Z said...

A lettuce costs £1.24 in fucking Tesco? Jesus H, I'll sell you one for 80p and my son (who'll make a respectable profit on that price) doesn't have the buying power of the biggest rip-off merchants on the planet. Don't go there, darling, move to the Norfolk/Suffolk border and be happy and eat vegetables bought from a proper greengrocer. Indeed, I'll invite you to Sunday lunch once in a while and feed you on delicious roast meat too.

Oh, fabulous post by the way. Sorry, when you're feeling a bit mis and all, but you've really cheered me up.

Dandy, I think there's danger of spurt seepage and it's safer to drop the trousers, or else a few brief minutes of sport means having to trail down to the launderette bearing spunky jeans.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

I have an idea. I'm wondering at what point this blog and comment box could become one of those jeering websites where miserable 35 year olds goad other miserable 35 year olds into committing suicide or just generally being more miserable, which is then filmed on a webcam and beamed to more miserable 35 year olds all over the world.

You might have to sink further into your pit, but on the bright side, it will give you a much needed goal to aim for. Think what it'll do for your stats!

Dandelion said...

Hey! I'm 35!

Dandelion said...

ps Z, I don't think that's right. What with urinals and everything.

Anonymous said...

To tell you the truth, you sound like you're suffering from depression. The chain smoking, the lack of sleep, and the complete apathy about everything is not healthy (duh). No sane woman is going to want to be with you in this state. Perhaps you should talk to your GP and get some help! In the meantime, reading about your miserable life sure makes me feel better about my own.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

I am a HUGE Artie Lange fan and am really shocked to see his name/link on a UK blog. Despite his success, he really is a train wreck of a human being. You should thank Bog you're not him.

Z said...

Urine is a bit different, Dandy dearest, both in consistency and the encouragement it requires to be extracted. Furthermore, I wonder if coarse denim could chafe somewhat while considerable vibration is going on?

Fweng, please advise, as Dandelion and I are evidently not as knowledgeable as you are about the subject.

Z said...

Oh, and PDEWYMO, we're no goading Fweng, honestly. We really care about him.

isabelle said...

oh well, at least I can get your comment box to work ( it didn't last time ).....I'm sorry you feel this bad, perhaps anon is right... although I think a visit from Dandelion could be just the thing to get you out of yourself. I really do hope you feel more positive soon.

Anonymous said...

Do dandy. Go on. I dare ya ;-)

Dandelion said...

Anonymous seems to have made an embarrassing typo there.

May I petition to have his comment removed?

Anonymous said...

its easy to laugh ruby lad, and some of your stuff....."an englishman 'wanking' in new york" strives for a magnificence which you sometimes achieve. remember, i'm a fan of your BITE stuff too which similarly aspired. but latterly fella, whether you choose to recognise it or not (and i think you do, or you wouldn't be writing about it on here otherwise?) is spiralling to a nadir which suggests to the casual observer that you are quite frankly breaking down. i don't wish to dwell on this as you know yourself better than any online and impartial observer ever could so i will leave it at that, except to say that i echo to a certain degree the comments of a previous Anonymous.

Quote said...

I love onion rings.

P.S. I had a nervous breakdown a few years ago. I think you should see a doctor too. Or take some time off. Come to Bristol again. Help me plan my wedding and put the furniture together for the nursery. It'll be fun.

Clarissa said...

I've lost weight, am cycling, running and going to the gym, have been off fags for over a year, and feel great, but often boring. (My cholesterol was measured at 6.7 so I have a very concrete goal, which eggs me on). None of this is helpful to you ... you are just a miserable wanker, but we really like you, hope you can see the humour as we can, and would encourage you take up dandelion in her offer.

Anonymous said...

Deleting Spider Solitaire might be a start and then take it from there

livesbythewoods said...

Go and talk to the doctor matey. You sounds like you are depressed and need some professional help to get through it. Take it from someone who has been there herself, and also watched her nearest and dearest go there too.

You'll be fine. You will come out the other side and be fine. Really.

And you're still very funny, and an excellent writer, by the way.

fwengebola said...

Dom ~ Now THAT'S A PLAN. Thank you.
Dand ~ Yes, for quick matters such as micturating. For onansim, I prefer a much freer environment. Thank you for the compliment, but why would I make it up? And are you coming on to me?
Carn ~ Thank you. And you have an alluring and supple leg.
kndaf23 ~ Hello. You have bollocks in Chicago? Next you'll be telling me one of your senators has just become... never mind.
Z ~ Actually, I've been meaning to say it's £1.13, but that's still over the quid theshold of pain for a green ball. I'll take your roast, thank you, and raise you cheerfulness. I'm glad you've cheered up, and all it took was my pain.
PDEW.. Jo ~ Yes, like a cross between the Truman show and that poor bastard who was goaded into jumping off that shopping centre.
Dand ~ OMG, you're 35? We should definitely do anal.
I don't know why I put that. Sorry.
Anon ~ Yes, that comment inspired me to write my follow-up post.
UB ~ Normally we get the most obscure US references here, even if we've never had contact with them, viz: Urkel, Tater tots, Kool aid, etc. But Artie is definitely a new one on me. Shame really. I like my comedians destructive, and not shiny and threatening like that Dane Cook bastard (another recent YouTube discovery)
Z ~ You evidently haven't tugged on a length of skin while there's a band of zip surrounding the base like a moat.
Isa ~ Why do I think I'm being set up? Is now a good time to admit that meeting a blogger along carnal lines may not be a good idea?
Anon ~ Don't you start.
Dand ~ It wasn't you, was it?
Anon ~ Aaaaaargh! Are you my stalker? Please tell me that you actually know me in real life.
Quote ~ Jesus, you broke down? I'm hoping that my blip can be contolled. And sometimes I wonder if you are going to demand I go to Bristol under pain of death. Still, yay wedding.
Clar ~ Now that's fantastic news - the date loss/ health/ fags, that is. Do you work for Dandelion though?
Anon ~ Christ, I can't, I can't.
LBTW ~ Aw man, compliments and doctor-pushing. See my latest. Plus I feel the need to eb stubborn and do it my way. Although that could be to an early grave.

Z said...

No, I hadn't taken the zip into account, but I was the one who sympathetically respected your lowering of the trousers, remember.

If you're kosher, fine as long as you tell me if you need me to buy new and unsullied plates. If you're not, fine. You are welcome any time, dear Fweng. Smoking in the house is allowed as long as you don't give me a cigarette because the Sage wouldn't like that. Alcohol consumption is actively encouraged.

Z said...

You could come here for £6 and return for £9 on a Sunday. You'd be very welcome.

fwengebola said...

Holy crikes, I am touched and very moved that you would want to invite me. Thank you. But then you would have to meet me and I would have to explain myself. Perhaps one day, I will meet people in some kind of blogmeet, but until then, I would like to thank you enormously again.

Thank you. Enormously.

Z said...

You think I'd ask questions? you'd never get a word in darling, and I'd not explain to my family except that you're a blog friend of Dandelion. They'd be cool with that. I was scared to meet bloggers until I first did, and now I'm happy to.

Dandelion said...

I WAS BEING NICE! I shan't bother in future.

Dandelion said...

ps I'm annoyed.

Dandelion said...

And pps, Z, you should be careful. Everyone will tell him to do you, and then he will suggest anal.

Can't you say he is a blog friend of someone else?

Z said...

Make allowances, Dand - he's told us often enough that any time he gets into a conversation with a woman (one near his age, that is) he blurts out something completely inappropriate.

It's occurred to me than no one in their right mind would fork out £15 in rail fares to come and have Sunday lunch with an unknown family. The reason that didn't occur to me earlier is that I probably would.

Anonymous said...

your stalker? erm, no. don't flatter yourself ruby lad;-p altho having trawled a similar murky path thru a mire of dating websites like yourself in the past, i am familiar with the role of 'stalkee'. beyond that, i occasionally read your musings, more occasionally still, feel compelled to make comment:)

fwengebola said...

Z ~ I am happy to meet bloggers. One day. And I am still flattered and honoured. Thank you.
Dand x 3 ~ Ok, apologies. It's not like it's a fetish with me. I just have an awful tendancy to blurt things out. It's not normally evident in this medium.
Z ~ Ah, you know me well. I still thank you for your offer though.
Anon ~ (Aaargh). Thank you anyway, Anonymous. If I can help furtherance your generic feeling better, stay tuned.

luna said...

Bah it's the usual post New Year's blahs.
And the lightbox does work:it's great,20mn of reading comics under it every day and off you go happy-chirpy!