Friday, May 29, 2009

Embarrassing Memory #12: Embarrassing Memory Compendium III

Warning: Doesn't so much include embarrassing memories than dull things I've never mentioned before. I've admitted to just about everything I can think of already.
Apart from that murder. I'm never talking about that.

1 ~ I was once in a furiously hot bar where the bouncers would, with menaces, slam shut the windows we kept opening. The heat eventually got to me and I demanded to see the manager where I pretended to be from the Health and Safety Executive so I could hurl abuse at him. It took me about 30 seconds to be overwhelmed with guilt as he stuttered and sweated his apologies because he was also under orders from the council to keep the noise down.

Actually, that's a pretty lame story. Sorry.

2 ~ I wear a stud in my left ear. Have done for nearly, uh, 20 years.

3 ~ I once auditioned to be the Milky Bar Kid on my mother's insistence. I was 28 about seven.

4 ~ I am known to apply talcum powder to my crevices post-shower, to speed up the drying process and smell slightly clean and perfumey. There. I said it.

5 ~ I used to collect comics. My oldest one is from 1899 and phenomenally racist. They are now rotting away to a brown mulch somewhere near Watford.

6 ~ I was once many years ago sat in my room having a perfunctory wank to some pornography. As soon as the filthy act of self-abasement was over and I had deposited my issue into a paper receptacle, I switched off the television and sighed. It was then that the dark screen caught the reflection of the window cleaner doing his job directly behind me.

7 ~ My Mother recently wrote an angry letter to the Daily Mail. She wanted to vent her anger over what rotters Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross are.

I am related to this woman.

8 ~ I used to know Matt Lucas in the briefest and most tenuous of ways when I was younger. His Dad and my Dad were acquaintances. I would've talked to him more when we were shoved together, but he was bald and I was 12 and judgemental.

9 ~ I was, a few months back, on holiday in Prague. It was extremely pleasant, other than the fact that as a single man abroad, I failed to pull a lady. Having said that, the nearest I got to female contact was in a bar near the Kafka museum. I sat there feeling slightly sheepish while she chainsmoked, looking all blonde and modelesque and stealing glances.

"Is she keen?" I dared to wonder as she asked faintly probing little questions about myself. Could I possibly, and for the first time in my life, be about to indulge in a brief if physically intense classic Holiday Romance™? I thought it best to smile and play it cool, pop into the bathroom to freshen myself a little more confident, and see where things lead.

It lead to the toilet, where I found myself producing a stool of such immense girth and length that several flushes couldn't budge it. Continued attempts would've flooded the room, so I'd ended up balancing a now shitty brush on the edge of the seat and walking out in shame.

For some reason, I was no longer in the mood to chat.


PurestGreen said...

It is a pleasurable agony reading some of the things you write.

The window cleaner story is going to haunt me the rest of the day.

Congrats on being 101% done.

Huw said...

These combined do not equal the NYC Wanking Tale. 1 & 4 seem perfectly reasonable to me.

This week at work, I referred to someone as "a lazy bitch", not realising she was sat behind me. Cue much "ha ha, I knew you were there really. I was being funny: you're great really."

ess jay said...

That earstud has to go

Anonymous said...

I have just picked out a mass of hardened fluff from my belly button.

Satisfying Saturday night.


Dandelion said...

Yes, number six, what a funny coincidence!

hfm said...

You have an amazing mother.
No sarcasm intended.

fwengebola said...

PG ~ I'm amazed I didn't think of it earlier. I may do a blog version of the lazy 'compilation clip show' and bulk the worst moments together.
Huw ~ A friend of mine last night told me a remarkably similar story about his friend at work. I had to ask if his name was, by any chance, Huw.
It wasn't.
SJ ~ But it's like furniture. Actually, it's diamond-y. Perhaps that's why some people think I'm gay.
Anon ~ Sounds far better than my average weekend.
Dand ~ Are you insinuating it didn't happen?
hfm ~ Hello there. Are you drunk? Yes, she's interesting.

Anonymous said...

ohh, number six rubes, number six. except my post-wank window cleaner turned out to be an old school friend whom i hadn't seen for quite some time. have you tried the old 'breaking into a derelict hospital, right next to a fully operational police station' wank? probably not. i suspect i'm in a minority of one there. but tripping a burglar alarm 'mid-self-abasement', an alarm which was easily and to this day the loudest most screeching, ear-pierceing siren i'd ever heard bounced off the walls around me, one which, as it turned out could be heard half way across town for a full hour and half thereafter has to be one of my most crowning wanks of all time.

with utmost horror, i realised my predicament that the custodian's of the law were but a street away, a matter of yards, and in all probability had very little to do on a sunny saturday morning in a sleepy market town in a the north of england except inspect a phantom wanker in a rundown building. with that i swiftly un-shot my bolt back the way i came, out thru the window that was fortuitously unlocked and therefore had slid open on my entry and did so again on my exit. i pegged it out and across the main road opposite with little heed to the advanceing traffic, mostly holidaymakers on the main arterial route to windermere and the south lakes, and very much oblivious to the derelict-hospital-blue-veined-piccalo-playing antics of the idiot who had just bounded out kamakazi style infront of them and was now scrabbling over a six foot wall as tho his life depended on it.

the problem with the six foot wall was, it was a six foot wall, on the side i had leapt up. on the otherside it was very much a 16 foot wall and my sheer momentum coupled with siesmic terror had carried me right over it, and worse, it seemed i had picked the only spot along the wall surrounding a field full of pigs, that had a rusty metal bath full of water along its side and i had roughly sixteen feet to plan my landing. one leg in, one leg out of the bath, as it turned out. with that i skirted my sodden way, well, one leg sodden and the other more or less bone dry, along the perimeter wall and around to the park which i knew lay on the far side. with that i felt safer so gamely i sauntered up the town's main thoroughfare, passing shoppers and families, wondering if anyone would possibly make the connection between the bedraggled and partially soaked youngster, and the screeching siren that was still blaring out in the distance, and still would be by the time i'd trudged tiredly to the suberbial outskirts and home.

Anonymous said...

and no, you can't have those minutes of your life back spent reading that;)

Dandelion said...

No, fweng, not at all. I'm just saying how funny that you should both catch eachother doing the same deed.

luna said...

we're all wiping!

You your boner, the cleaner his window pane,and your readers tears of mirth!

fwengebola said...

Anon ~ Jesus CHRIST that was long. You're Matt, aren't you??? Something about 'breaking into a derelict hospital right next to a fully operational police station wank' leads me to surmise my stalker's name is Matt.
Dand ~ We've both gotta work.
Luna ~ Yes, slightly regrettable to think that all my loving moments end in lonely wipes.
Never mind.

Anonymous said...

rubes man, i can't even be arsed useing capital letters in their appropriate places, let alone getting on a train from newcastle to stalk you! however, in the unlikely event that your ever passing this way then i'll happily go for a pint with you, AND character assinate the feggin boozer should we wish;)

fwengebola said...

Yes, that is unlikely. Nonetheless, I'm about 20 minutes from losing my mind and travelling up to Newcastle, probably barefoot, and probably eating Toblerones.