Monday, October 27, 2008

Stasis

I shouldn't say I'm in stasis, because I'm not. I simply can't be bothered to keep dieting, nor can I be bothered not to keep dieting. After all, I am hoping very very soon to start dating again, as soon as I've a) written my turd of a book and b), lost enough weight to feel like I can get naked in front of one of those breasts and vagina owners.

Nonetheless, I'm just bobbling along with a vicious, vice-like grip around my cranium because I'm tired, boo hoo. I had seven hours sleep last night, but I needed ten. I can't for the life of me figure out why I need more sleep than a newborn, but there we go.

Days passed: 28
Routes cycled to/ from work: 40
Lengths swum: 177
Lbs lost: 8
Cigarettes smoked: More than 126.
Beers/ Spirits drunk: Starting to forget.
Drugs snorted: Still none.

As long as I bother to cycle to work and swim myself clean, I may as well carry on. I'm actually looking forward to November just to have a new month to endure, plus I'll get paid. And if Obama doesn't get elected, I will kill myself.

The weather has suddenly got a lot colder, which makes cycling that little bit more unpleasant, and those spiteful, arrogant fucksters otherwise known as motorists aren't helping. In one 14-hour period last week, I found myself in no less than three altercations, one where I screamed at a man in stationary traffic because he sped up behind a bus at 30mph covering a distance of about 8 yards in the process, because he spotted my signalling right arm extended as I tried to get past him and THAT JUST WOULDN'T DO.

Clearly my life is less important to him than the ignominy of remaining stuck in a rush-hour bog and I told him as much, except I called him a FUCKING CUNT and a SELFISH ARSEHOLE while he grinned and waved back childishly.

The following morning, some bastard in a Volkswagen blaring out the Grease soundtrack did likewise in another queue of traffic - the golden rule here seems to be; If I can't get to work, no-one shall get to work, so I did the mature thing and twatted his wing mirror as I cycled passed a second time, then pedalled off very, very quickly.

Ten minutes later as I approached work, a bendy bus that I was half way past decided to pull out and continue down the road despite the fact that the road was narrowing dangerously and he was beginning to force me into parked cars. I screamed out, braked hard, and came to a halt while he took off down the road only to seconds later come to a standstill at red lights, the third motorist who'd rather see me killed just so they can keep moving for a quarter of a minute.

I shamed myself by screaming blue murder at the driver; punching his window, demanding he look at me and stop being a coward, and generally letting the whole bus know that he was also a FUCKING RETARD and a WANKER who shouldn't be allowed on the road.

Please date me - I'm lovely.

13 comments:

Dandelion said...

I've slept for 18 hours in the last 24. Don't know what that's about.

daisyfae said...

doing my part to elect mr. obama... short of bagging and detaining bible thumpers as they leave revivals... so far.

and i'd date you. we could ride our bikes during rush hour, each taking tire spikes to alternate sides of offending motorists... (sigh) simply dreamy in my book...

Pearl said...

Same war going on in Minnesota: motorists who can't be bothered with noticing the oddly soft and yet crunchy cyclists.

Pearl

p.s. I, too, am voting for Obama. But I'm different in that I both read and think for myself.

Dom said...

Arm the commuterate. It's the only way. OK, so the first few weeks will be a bloodbath, but there will be less people trying to commute and those that are left will be considerate... or good shots :)

Tim Clague said...

I like the way that you blindly believe that these motorists didn't know who you were!

The Unbearable Banishment said...

I thought that exercise and clean living was the surefire way to improve your disposition.

If Obama doesn’t get elected I’ll leave the U.S. for someplace with a less hostile environment. Like one of the polar ice caps. Or Canada.

Jo said...

OHHHH I HATE IT when you get pissed off at another driver and they bloody wave and smile like an idiot back at you. There is nothing more frustrating - it's worse than what they did in the first place. Just apologise, you gits.

Girl Friday said...

I already swore on my life that if Obama doesn't win I am never moving back to the US-In protest. To this of course my friends chuckle and ask what my name is. Also, regarding dating: what is wrong with monogomy with the right person? Is that not cool anymore? Like SO 2006? Free love making a come back? I am so out of it. If we had actually managed to meet before I met CB, I'd swoon Fewng. Cept I am not a Jewess, well not officially.

Z said...

My dear chap, of course you are and I'd be delighted.

Z said...

Don't worry Fweng - none of us really thinks you are desperate enough to date a married, monogamous grandmother.

fwengebola said...

Dand ~ That's an absurd amount of sleep. I envy you.
Df ~ Yes, that's tremendously romantic and violent.
Pearl ~ At least you're voting. I met two Americans in Budapest who couldn't be bothered to vote. Why? It's not as if it's an incredibly important and historic election.
Voter apathy at a time like this. Honestly.
Dom ~ But the cyclists would be the first to go!
TG ~ Oh. Good point. I'd run over me.
UB ~ Who said it was clean? Have you considered Iraq?
Christ, I hope Obama gets in nonetheless.
Jo ~ The weird thing was tha I thought initially he was beckoning me over for a fight. It wasn't until I realised he was just being a cocky four-eyed twat that I could've had him.
Oh dear.
GF ~ No, no, no, I'm into monogamy with the right person! I'm still not sure why I put that. And I'm not specifically on the look out for kosher. After all, beggars can't be jewsers.
Z ~ That's the self-deprecating spirit.

londongirl said...

dude. you need to find a better route to work. Though I too have realised that motorists go blind when it rains. what's with that?

fwengebola said...

It's called being a selfish ignorant bastard.