Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Fuck #1 ~ My beloved iPod is dead. It happened just now, when I checked to see how its charge was getting on, and there was nothing, nothing.

Turns out iPod's don't like dangling from a rucksack and getting wet while you cycle home in a freak hailstorm.

Fuck #2 ~ Hailstorms are a first, or at least cycling home in one is, and it was particularly galling as I had only just left work. I pedalled frantically until I found somewhere to shelter, but there was nowhere. Neither was there any consideration from the fucking motorists, who continued to drive as if it was a sunny day in June.

I got soaked; my non-waterproof trainers began to squelch after about a minute; my backside became saturated with rainwater; my tracksuit bottoms became drenched and leaden. I threw everything in the wash when I got home. I'm fairly optimistic that not a damn bit of it will be dry enough for tomorrow morning's commute, which may well mean my first day of non-cycling this October.

Dammit. I hate stuff forcing me to do other stuff against my will.

Fuck #3 ~ I kept on getting phonecalls on my mobile all day by some recording claiming to be from my bank. I kept cutting the call, assuming it to be a hoax of some sort. By the third ring at the end of the day I decided to listen, only to discover that someone somewhere has my card details and has been trying to buy stuff in Costa fucking Rica.

My card has now been cancelled and I'm without access to cash. Just as well, as I'm tempted to run off and buy an iPod.

Fuck #4 ~ I weighed myself earlier. It now appears that I am gaining weight. So to celebrate, I ate two packets of crisps and a Kit Kat.

I can see myself on the tube tomorrow morning, and facing it without music.


Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.


Andrew said...

1. My iPod is fine.
2. As I cycled home through London Fields in the hail, I opened my mouth and caught hailstones on my tongue. I'm 41.
3. Sometimes the Nigerians want to help you.
4. Lost a few kgs this week, I am down to 132kgs and feeling trim. Yes, I was enormously fat beforehand so this is trim for me.

Fuck, fuck, fuck going anywhere on the tube without music or a backpack full of explosives. It's a cunting-arse-flange mode of transport. Call in sick, spend the day wanking to pictures of Fern Britton.

i am not your freud said...

well at least that someone couldn't manage to buy stuff with your credit card details and get away with it in costa rica! how did they get your credit card details anyway?

if you seriously wanna lose weight, you could go to a dietician. they could tell you what you are doing wrong so that you can change it. maybe cycling isn't as effective as you thought it would be.

there is still a chance that the ipod will come back to life once it dries inside. i hate travelling without music so i feel your pain.

Pearl said...

Oh, the thought of my iPod going down actually hurts. I would probably wear the ear buds anyway, as they give off a certain "no, don't have any spare change for you" kinda vibe.

Dom said...

Surely you have access to more than one card and therefore more than one line of credit? Get an iPhone. They're shiny and make you more attractive to the opposite sex :D

Girl Friday said...

At least they picked a good country to pretend to be you in. I mean, let's be honest, wouldn't you rather be in Costa Rica? Also, I prefer to lead but have acquiesced and become a follower.

Z said...

My shiny-eyed hopefulness is probably misplaced, but my elderly iPod sometimes pretends to be dead and won't charge up. ITunes help suggests toggling the hold switch back and forth, and it's always worked so far, though it sometimes takes a while.

And don't weigh yourself too often. Weight fluctuates. Besides, constant weighing yourself is narcissistic. Once a week is plenty, once a month is better.

Dandelion said...

Maybe you just needed to do a poo?

Have you tried resetting that ipod of yours? You know, press top and middle at the same time. Sometimes you have to hold it down a while. I have to do that about once a week on mine. Also, are you sure the hold button isn't on? I've made that mistake before. Oh and while I'm at it, don't get an iphone. They only make you attractive to the opposite sex if you a girl, or if you are stephen fry.

On the other matter, cycling is very good for burning fat, but it also builds up your leg muscles, and everyone knows that muscle is denser than fat. Therefore, you should congratulate yourself for passing the point of equilibrium. It's not what you weigh that matters, but what you're made of.
Twenty stone of pure muscle is a very attractive prospect.

Dandelion said...

Oh, and if all else fails, take it to the ipod shop on Regent Street. Don't tell them about the dangling. They'll sort you out.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

I feel awful about laughing while reading this post. Is that okay? Isn’t suppressed laughter the worst?

Clarissa said...

You are a fucking inspiration.

Digressica said...

Re: your ipod, did you try holding down the select (or whatever that middle round button is called) and menu buttons simultaneously for about thirty seconds? That usually works. If not try googling 'ipod troubleshooting' or something.

I got a phone call last week from someone saying, "Hello Miss, I am from your bank HSBC. Before we continue I will need you to verify your security details so that we know we are speaking to the right person. First of all, what is your date of birth?"


Id Entity said...

Digressica, that is well bling-bling. I hope you didn't tell them.

fwengebola said...

Andrew ~
1. Good for you.
2. I'm 34. Back of the net.
3. I doubt that.
4. You fat bastard.
Thankfully, this is being written avec iPod, so I couldn't care less about Reality tubing anymore.
IANYF ~ No idea where my card details were taken. I don't need a dietician as I've been on enough diets to write the rulebook - that I'll never follow.
It never did come back to life. Nothing is built to last anymore.
Pearl ~ I have since been hassled for money by a beggar, physically, and that was with the earphones in. Bastard.
Dom ~ No amount of anything would make me attractive to the opposite sex. Except perhaps girth.
GF ~ I'd love to be in Costa Rica. I just don't want my money to disappear there. And if it did, I'd like it to be because I'm spending it there.
Z ~ I did everything. I held all sorts of buttons down. I wiggled for Britain. Then I got my credit card out and went to the Apple store.
I no longer weigh myself at all. Even better.
Dand ~ I'm afraid I don't defecate at all. I am better than that. I have also tried everything and since got 10% off my new iPod. (Yes, I know, thanks.)
My legs are now like steel English oaks, by the way.
UB ~ Knowing I helped cheer you up helps cheer me up. As long as the laughter is with me, etc etc.
Clar ~ For what? Self-harm?
Dig ~ Yeeeees, tried everything, got a new one. And I'd've loved to have got that call, if only so I could yell abuse back. Then panic that I'm now on their hitlist.
ID ~ Getting an attempted defraud is bling now?