Thursday, September 04, 2008

Me, Myself and I

I can happily use a De La Soul album as a title, because this blog is about me, and not some bloke out there called Martin. You see, Martin is a mate of mine and if he had a blog, he would no doubt bemoan his misfortune at having broken his ankle a couple of days ago and fucking up his holiday plans.

Nonetheless, this isn't his blog; it is mine, and I can crowbar some personal angst at his hobbling expense as that motherfucker was to be my compadre in arms in 9 days time when we had (past tense) a holiday of a lifetime in Warsaw and Krakow, Poland; Prague, Czech Republic; Vienna, Austria; Bratislava, Slovakia and, to round the trip off, Budapest, Hungary.

This morning at work, I received an email. It was in that email that I discovered that Martin had managed to break his ankle fleeing from a speeding car and cannot now attend this glittering holiday. I am therefore about to take a break from sodding work, sodding life and sodding me by accompanying myself and myself alone as I traverse those six fine cities on me Jack.

Yes Martin, if you're reading this, and chances you are, I feel for you man. It's a pisser. A real, unpleasant pisser. It's a double whammy pisser too, as it's impacted on your holiday.

But needs must, because I am a stubborn, obstinate fuck. I will bankrupt myself going it alone and effectively paying double for hostel rooms and cabs and the like, but go it alone I shall, wandering streets by myself, looking at women from a gathering of one, and drinking in bars like a forlorn lonely twat.

Because I'm going abroad - on my own, y'know - I will still miss the wedding of my close friends Phil and Natalie, and my seventy-eighth nuptials of the year. I did consider staying in Britain so I could attend, but the flights are booked, I've been looking forward to this trip for months, and barring one fantastic, emotional day, I would only waste the rest of my time in front of the TV above a chemists in west London.

So that's that. It could be a wonderful adventure, and that's my main reason for sticking to my guns. Plus I'll have more time to spend in Warsaw researching my paternal family, the Ebolaviches, as they were Poles; Polish born and bred, then gassed by the fucking Nazis.

Tomorrow is the beginning of Phil's two-day stag extravaganza in London, my five-billionth stag of 2008. I can't wait. Even better is the fact that my boss is going on holiday himself next week and we have to work til 10pm on Friday night to get up to speed.


Coming Soon: The Adventures Of A Pale Fucknut Tourist Wandering Aimlessly Around Foreign Cities Looking Lost And Not Having Sex.

***This post was brought to you by the opposite of schadenfreude (Joyful Shame?) and is dedicated to Martin, the hobbling, malingering, car-dodging Northern fuckbugger.***


Trixie said...

Hey, maybe you being on your own, you'll have more luck!!!

Andrew said...

Fucking Martin. What a ballbag. A real douchenozzle. I hate his flimsy ladies ankles.

Still, a holiday is as good as you make it. Sounds like you have resolved to enjoy yourself, and remember you are drinking for two.

Just don't break anything...

...except cockinarse Martin's other matchstick thin ankle.

Angela-la-la said...

I went abroad on my own, it was fabulous. Course, that was a 5 star hotel in the Canary Islands...

Dandelion said...

I can happily use a De La Soul album as a title

If you did, would it not be "Five Feet High And Rising"?

Great track that one, though.

Frances said...

You have to go! I came to New Zealand on my own for a holiday 8 years ago, it was the best thing I ever did (now I live here). You meet all sorts of people when you travel on your own - just be spontaneous!

Anonymous said...

Who is this Andrew cunt? From the sounds of things he's a fucking cock-knocking sack of fuck-knuckled spunk bubbles!

I'm seeing the specialist on Wednesday. So I won't cancel anything till then. If he says all's good then fine, but if he says it's no-go then it's out of my hands.

Cheers fucko,


Andrew said...

Not so much of a sack of FKSB, more of a collection of used carrier bags from Lidl hidden by one Harrods bag on the outside because I want people to think I shop at Harrods. That trick never works.

You forgot to capitalise my last name. Tool.

Dom said...

My mate just went to that part of the world. Not sure where exactly, but it was eastern Europe where he met a couple in the hostel where the bloke had had his legs broken by a taxi driver when he refused to pay £30 for a 1 mile journey. My mate said he had fun, right up until the point he was drugged and had £6000 stolen on his card. Still, the bank are rolling back the charges and the effects of the drugging wore off after a week or so. I'm sure you'll have a great time :D

Z said...

People do talk to you more when you're travelling on your own. I think you could have a great time, as long as you don't screw it up so that you have something funny to blog about on your return.

You've got to have a great time though. After all, you need to be able to gloat to Martin.

Anonymous said...

With your luck, Martin will get laid, back home with the dodgy ankle, and you'll do your traveling with no such fun.

Anonymous said...

Can't fail to get laid in eastern Europe. Cheap as cheap things last I was in that part of the world.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Travelling alone is the only way to do it. Enjoy 9 days of utter selfishness!

fwengebola said...

Trix ~ Somehow I doubt that, but thank you for your delicious optimism.
Andrew ~ Oh dear, I could see where that would head before the inevitable reply.
Ang ~ Yes, that's nice. It's not as if I haven't travelled alone. I have wandered off by myself to Israel and Jordan, and more recently to India, Thailand and Sri Lanka. (I wonder if anyone will actually spot that little revelation??)
Dand ~ Yes, I did wonder if that was indeed an album title, but couldn't be bothered to check when I posted.
Frances ~ Yes, thanks Frances. Don't forget, I have wandered off by myself to Israel and Jordan, and more recently to India, Thailand and Sri Lanka. (I wonder if anyone will actually spot that little revelation too??)
AnoniMart ~ And there's the inevitable livid reply. I was also waiting for the slow burn of pure anger to reach me via personal email. Took about 3 days. Sorry, mate.
Andrew ~ Oh christ, don't.
Dom ~ Now I wouldn't say I'm gulliable per se, but I would like clarification on absolutely everything you just wrote.
Z ~ Yes, it should be fun. After all, don't forget, I have wandered off by myself to Israel and Jordan, and more recently to India, Thailand and Sri Lanka. (I wonder if anyone will actually spot that little revelation also??)
Mar ~ I regret to say you're going to be spot on there.
Anon ~ Yes, you can fail to get laid in Eastern Europe, for I am the living embodiment of failure.
Jo ~ Yep, but then I have wandered off by myself to Israel and Jordan, and more recently to India, Thailand and Sri Lanka. (*cough*)
And by utter selfishness, I take it you mean retreating into your shell because you don't like looking like a bewildered tourist.

C said...

did you by any chance more recently go off to India, Thailand and Sri Lanka? I wonder if anyone else will spot that little revelation.. :P

Willesden Green? Still? Dude, no way!

fwengebola said...

Oh no, not now. I left WG about four years ago and against my will.
Do I take it you're in those parts?