Monday, July 14, 2008

The Concerted Effort

A fortnight since my last post. Surely an apathy record.

The main reason that I haven't blogged, as if any of this actually matters, is that I'm still trying to churn out the dross that is the 2nd draft of the Worst Book of All Time.

The last 12 days have continued in the same vein. I'm still cycling although I didn't this morning - Going to sleep at 3am last night and waking up four hours later befuddled me to the point that weaving in and out of angry commuter traffic didn't appeal.

Consequently, I got to see an awful lot of Cute Women in Slips™ on the tube today, which was tremendously good fun. Working as I do in a 100% male environment makes this rather vital to my sanity. In the current climate of cycling to work, cycling home, locking my door, and writing, I am becoming MORE FUCKING DESPERATE THAN EVER BEFORE, the likes of which even I'm surprised by. It is no secret that I haven't had sex since 2006 - and in five months, it'll be 2009, so that's lots of fun.

I nixed my money-saving hermit-copying lifestyle by going out on Friday night with some old Uni mates. I woke up on Saturday largely unable to function, but also very aware that if I didn't go out again, I was destined to a life of celibacy. When Martin suggested we dress up, hit the town, and make a concerted effort to pull, I took it.

We met in Notting Hill. In the first pub, a bunch of absolutely shit-faced middle aged Kiwis announced that I look like Boris Becker, which I hadn't heard for a while and strangely cheered me up. After all, I've been hearing that for a good 16 years. Mind you, Boris is ageing along with me, so I guess it's not all that flattering. In the second bar, we stared at women and discussed the glut of fake elephantine cocks in pornography (quietly). The third pub seemed more promising. The table behind us was full of cute young European women who we'd flit past in the hope that a conversation would ensue. Of course, I now know that WE SHOULD'VE JUST STARTED TALKING TO THEM, but that would've been too obvious and ultimately too humiliating.

So instead we stuck around enjoying the view until the inevitable happened; a trio of tall, bland, dark-haired Italian fuckmunchers gormlessly dragged their elongated corpses to the bar and - mere seconds after walking in - got their arses squeezed by the girls.

Cue Martin and me bitching about the tragic way this country is headed where men's arses like ours aren't bothered by the cheeky grope of a drunk bird's mitts, all while those three Italians took advantage of their being goosed by sitting with the goosers and dribbling down their cleavages.

If I did that to a woman, I'd be banged up.

We headed off to a club I'd heard about on Notting Hill Road which turned out to be a tiny fucking room up lethally steep stairs crammed with 100 desperate pissheads. There was a hen party in there, to which I asked a member if she was part of it.
'Yeah,' she yelled before trotting off.

That was the sum total of my concerted effort to pull.


Shoshana said...

What's a Kiwi?

Trixie said...

shohana - it's a green fruit that furry brown on the outside, but I don't think that's what he was talking about....but then you never know.

Glad things haven't changed in two weeks for you then fwengy.

Dandelion said...

You look like boris becker? See, I told you you were handsome.

Speaking as a Notting Hillian, I've got to ask, where the fuck is Notting Hill Road?

Anonymous said...

concerted efforts are generally doomed... but then again, making no effort at all won't work either. conundrum. seems you're fucked if you do and fucked if you don't, or in this case, unfucked no matter what.

perhaps capitalizing on the boris becker thing? where do german tennis groupies go to drink?

Peach said...

sounds like a distinct improvement Mr Earth


Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Was the Notting Hill end point the Bag Club by any chance?

Went there in the day time once when working on the tv prog...looked a dive. As only a room at the top of a very steep flight of stairs can.

Today "Yeah"
2009... "Sex?"

It'll come...

Clarissa said...

Nice effort!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Really, you should sleep with one of your blog groupies. You should get a few this time who have googled Boris Becker to get here. Take advantage.

C said...

do you have blond lashes?

Inarticulate Fumblings said...

Know I've been MIA and that this comment has nothing to do with your posting... but... in case you're interested, our travel blog is up and running while we're away. Peace - IF

i am not your freud said...

i say go for dark girls cause they tend to like guys who look different, i.e. blonde guys. and act confident, that's the key. now go go go!

dave fishwick said...

Stop playing Spider Solitaire and pull your finger out, captain.

fwengebola said...

Shosh ~ A New Zealander. Or a flightless bird, I think. And a fruit.
Trix ~ Yes, that. And nothing's happened in another week either.
Dand ~ You like Boris? I can see the appeal, sort of. And yes, Notting Hill Gate. Dammit, that was an annoying oversight. I should probably edit my post.
Df ~ Germany? I appreciate your advice though, which I am assuming means I can't really do anything.
Peach ~ At least I said something.
PDEWYMO ~ Yes, that was it. Dire place. Unless I copped off, in which case it would be incredible.
Clar ~ Not really.
Anon ~ Yes, very brave, Anonymous.
Mar ~ I can't take advantage. I'm not that kind of guy. I let other men take adv... hang on...
C ~ Erm, yes. You can't really see them until you're well into my comfort zone.
IF ~ That is a disgraceful plug, but I'll let it slide. Let me know what E. Europe has in store, please.
IANYF ~ Funny you should say that as darker women tend to find me intriguing. They don't tend to grimace as much as translucent British women, but the general repulsion's still there.
Df ~ Yes, yes, new post up, ta.

Anonymous said...

You flitted past a gaggle of girls in the hope of getting noticed?
You big coquette,you !

I know that club:full of fake artsy poseurs

fwengebola said...

Are you talking about the room or the pub? Because the pub was pretty posey.