Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Nothing To Report

Really. Nothing has happened. I am still returning home after work to squeeze out a shit book from my empty brain, utterly destroying my sex life in the process. Granted, I didn't have one to start off with, but I'm barely socialising with anyone now.

I am still cycling to work, which is having an unusual effect. In the old days, my metabolism would kick in and I'd lose weight. Now I'm losing nothing and I'm finding myself turning into a tank instead. My frame is still huge, my girth (sadly not of the penile variety), has got larger. I'm getting muscular, but it's just making me look like a club bouncer who's lost his bomber jacket.

So that's nice.

I am being self-destructive too. Not only am I chainsmoking for Britain, but at the weekend, I wrote precisely zero words. this was despite having two full days of potential writing time that I wasted in front of the computer looking at well-faked poltergeist hauntings (after, that is, I'd watched Poltergeist for no reason). I ate crap. I played Spider Solitaire. I went to bed. Then I returned from a day's work last night and wrote til 2am.

And that's all I have to offer. Sorry.

But in lighter news, my mate Phil has proposed to his missus, which also means my seventh wedding in ten months. Regrettably, I won't be there as they've opted for a day in September when I'll be in Eastern Europe trying to have sex. Perhaps that was the point.

Oh, and tomorrow, I'm off to Sweden for my fifth wedding. To say I'm looking forward to it would be an understatement. I've always wanted to go to Scandinavia, it will be full of blondes (allegedly), and I'll have a hotel bedroom all to myself.

The chances of me having sex have increased massively. However, so has my waistline, as I still can't fit into my One Beige Suit™ when I tried it on yesterday.

I may take condoms with me as an ironic gesture. It can't hurt. They'll be out of date in a week anyway.


Anonymous said...

'aaaaaaaaaaaave it x

Ann Anon

Z said...

It all sound normal to me. Except for all those sodding weddings - blimey, what is it with your friends? Are you going to be godfather (sorry, don't know the Jewish equivalent, maybe it's godfather) to a whole lot of mewling infants in a year's time?

Look, if there's half a chance, chat her up and ask her up to your room. You have so little to lose and so much, potentially, to tell us. You're just so fucking nice that there's no fucking fucking.

Er, sorry, I'm not really like this. Just being maternal and all.

Dandelion said...

I'm glad you said that last sentence, z. I was becoming shocked.

I would also like to berate this blog for alerting me to the existence of spider solitaire (of which I hadn't previously heard). I have become terribly addicted, wasted more hours than I can admit to, and my success rate is only 16%. I blame fewng

Dom said...

From experience I can tell you that a hotel room to yourself means you'll be waking up in a room to yourself. If you do manage to pull I want a detailed breakdown of how you managed it so we can put it into practice here :D

marianne said...

Buy new condoms.

Anonymous said...

burn more than you consume. the only diet you need.

Homer said...

Anonymous - great advice. Last night we had a BBQ, burned 60% of the food to an inedible crisp and ate what was left. My jeans feel looser already.

Peach said...

listen, I think you should invite me along to some of these weddings. there's very little socialising a pregnant woman can do without judgment (ie I feel self conscious drinking even half a pint or a glass of wine occasionally) so I could be your perfect wing woman "oh yeah, that's my friend peach, her boyfriend dumped her so I thought, as she's in the club and all, that I'd take her out for a bit and show her the world's not such a loveless place, and where better than this wedding?"

you'll have women eating out of the hand that houses the finger you have wrapped them round.

ok, I am of course sidestepping the fact that the initial glances will have every male mate of yours throwing, saying what the fuck, who have you got up the duff and why the fuck haven't you mentioned it and why on earth have you brought her here...

but it's gotta be better than Not Getting Laid again and I'm thinking it will reverse your fortune...

is this the longest comment I've left you?

Good XX

Anonymous said...

I am an American woman....blonde, buffed and bronzed. Your blog is the funniest and frankly, the best, on the internet....btw....I'm Sephardic

luna said...

Peach are you writing chick lit by any chance.i liked you scenario!

fweng,I bet you didn't think of it:
Beware the mosquitoes

Quote said...

[open]Come to Bristol.[/invitation]

fwengebola said...

Anon ~ Yes. Right. Thank you.
Z ~ Were you drunk then? Thank you very much thought. Actually, all the weddings have been non-Jewish, so there's a godfather's chance. Having said that, I can't imagine I'd be anyone's first choice. Or second, or third, or fourth.
Dand ~ God, I feel bad about that. Introducing you to crack would be less harmful.
Dom ~ I've just written a lengthy post about how not to do it, if that helps. And yes, I had three wonderful nights waking up in a menage a une.
Mar ~ I think that may be a waste of money.
Anon ~ Ah, good old logic.
Home ~ I'd agree that making your dinner inedible is a good way to lose weight. You could cook whatever you wanted then.
Peach ~ Yes, that's something of an essay, and a bloody good idea, other than the fact that I've only got two weddings left, one of which I can't go to 'cos I'll be in Europe. I find that babies and toddlers are the biggest women magnets around but even I couldn't stoop so low that I hire someone's baby for an evening.
Sorry, that's really bad.
Anon ~ Oh really? That's terribly kind and intriguing. Please send me as many risque photos as you can.
Luna ~ A great scenario that would leave me feeling generically guilty.
And thanks for the too-late mosquito warnings.
Quote ~ Cheers for that. Are things that bad in Bristol?