Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I am sat typing this in my boxer shorts, my thirty-four year old gut sticking out like a fat balcony protruding over a valley of tree-trunk thighs crushing a pair of underused testicles below.

I am planning a jaunt through Eastern Europe with Nothing Man in September - Poland, the Czech Republic, Austria, Slovakia, and Hungary - and we have vowed to get into shape in the months to come.

We are also vowing to save money, and I am adding not smoking, exercising like a banshee, and trying to finish writing the second draft of my (Ha!) 'book'.

Instead, I find myself getting back from work and playing a quick game of Spider Solitaire which ends up lasting til about midnight. I checked my stats just now. It says I've racked up 999 losses. Not only is that a shocking indictment that I have played that many games in just a couple of months, but none of them were actual wins.

I have been cycling to work every day. As a consequence, I am sat here with a thick layer of Ibuprofen gel coated over my broken knees. My diet consists of fish, grilled chicken, vegetables and other suicide-inducing meals. I am bored shitless and pining for garbage.

An hour ago, I snapped and bought a pack of cigarettes, if only to remind my self-destructive rebellious side that I am still able to Stick It To The Man.

Regrettably, that Man is me.

That first cigarette gave me such a headrush that I reeled unsteadily on my feet, just as a large gathering of attractive young Asian women walked past. Now they all think I'm a drunk, and I haven't touched a drop in three days. So there's another notch on my deadpost.

And now Germany's got through to the final of Euro 2008 in what can only be described as a nail-biting scrape to victory.

At least they didn't have that luck 60 years ago.


Z said...

Nice mental image, Fweng.

Dandelion said...

This post, it started well, tailed off a bit towards the middle, and sort of faded out towards the end. I like it.

I really hope that Germany win, you know, because of 1066. If Germany win, it will be able to remind us of the time that we won, won't it? And won't that be nice? It's nearly as good as winning it again ourselves, and slightly more likely, I reckon.

Clarissa said...

Do you ever think you might be trying to do too much (self improvement) all at the same time?

Dom said...

Didn't you decide you were going to get healthy earlier in the year with lots of gym, not drinking and not smoking? And didn't you fail miserably whilst hiding behind the excuse of stag do's?

I look forward to your next failure :D

Z said...

I have no idea what Dandelion was talking about.

I prefer, as you know, to be encouraging and extremely kind at all times, but I think that Clarissa has a very good point. By going all-out in every self-improvement respect, all at the same time, when you know you are going to find it too tough (as any of us would), you give yourself an excuse to fail. How about making it a year's project, with a few weeks successful healthy diet and moderate exercise, for example, before cutting out the cigarettes, and then upping the exercise a bit and not binge-drinking a couple of months later? That could even work, if you actually want it to.

You won't be able to resist the cheaper cigarettes in Eastern Europe, so there's not much point in giving up before you've smoked them, for one thing.

Trixie said...

Seriously, you've NEVER one a game of spider solitaire? Even my 10 year old won his first game playing that (to add more salt to your wounds).

Mike said...

Dood, they're asian chicks. It doesn't matter that they think you're drunk, you'll have a huge penis compared to what they are used to.


Just whip it out for them. After they're finished ooohing and aaaahhing, you'll be certain to get at least two of them in the sack.

Anonymous said...

and then the lights went out.....

heybartender said...

Good dark chocolate. Fresh fruit. If I didn't have those it would be a bag of chips (crisps, that is) a day, with a side of Giant Bag of Cookies. Moderation isn't easy, but it beats the hell out of chicken boobs and grilled fish with a side of boring.
Very amusing post, by the way. Good luck.

Dave Fishwick said...

You forgot to append the 'H' to the title.

Anonymous said...

That sounds like a wonderful trip.

Here's a thought -- why don't you prepare for the trip by learning to like yourself the way you are. You'll have much more fun that way, and be more attractive to the opposite sex. True.

fwengebola said...

Z ~ I live to give.
Dand ~ D'y'know what? I know what you mean. It lacked passion. I'm glad the Germans didn't win. Firstly, they were rubbish, and secondly, they're German. Although they're awfully nice people now. Considering what they were though, it's not too difficult to be nicer than Nazis.
Clar ~ Yes. Yes I do. Hence continuing to smoke. I'll give up later.
Dom ~ Yes I did. I do this a lot. It's a recurring theme.
Z ~ That's exactly what I'm attempting to do now; do everything in stages. It's simply too hard and insane to do otherwise.
Nice if it's possible, though.
Trix ~ No, I have. I'd just racked up 999 losses, that's all. Actually, make that 1,130 now.
Mike ~ I like the 'seriously' touch. My problem is getting them to see my penis in the first place. Actually, that's not a problem, but it could lead to imprisonment.
Anon ~ Not too sure what you mean by that.
HBart ~ Now that's a good point. A sensible, moderate way to avoid obesity. All I eat is boring now.
DF ~ Oh well done.
Mar ~ Yes, I could do, but I'd like myself better with 2 stone less lard and a manuscript under my arm. That would be pretty sweet.

luna said...

Z and dandelion,he's had that discussion before.
Twice over.
To no avail.

fwengebola said...

I think you'll find my self-improvement (with no improvement) is a common theme.