Saturday, June 14, 2008

Brokeback Sleeping

Something's not right; I keep waking up in considerable pain. It appears that one of the most pleasurable activities in life - having a good old-fashioned sleep - is now permanently ruined by the fact that my back feels all twisty. After a few hours kip, I'll wake up at 2am unable to move to a more comfortable position. I moan a bit, arrange the pillows into a small pyramid and lie on that, then wake up again an hour later to rearrange stuff once more. Needless to say, I never feel quite good enough to cycle to work.

It's because of said problem I took myself to A&E on Thursday night. I used the magic words 'Chest Pain' to speed things up - after all, my chest was hurting too - and was raced through (for four hours) having my blood and urine tested, being wired to an ECG machine (I have a strangely slow pulse rate somehow), being X-rayed, and being treated by rather attractive and completely indifferent nurses who I flirted with while they did their utmost to seem repulsed.

The doctor who looked a bit like a pocket Hugh Grant and asked me awkward personal questions (what does cocaine have to do with a bad back?) pronounced me 'fine' and walked out seeming mildly stressed.

Nonetheless, I am still waking up feeling like the bastard son of Stephen Hawking and Christopher Reeve and I've got a terrible fucking notion that I'm gonna be stuck like this for life.

All this because of a fan? How is that even possible??? I spent last night on a Thames boat with a friendly bloke called Colin, bitching about our thirty-something ailments. I have never felt such a bond with a complete stranger before.

Oh, and my sixth and final stag is happening right now in East London. It would appear that I've overslept a little bit.

8 comments:

luna said...

Errr...why would tests for heart attacks solve back problems...\
What on earth possessed you ? o-o

Did you mention to them you were recently put to sleep?
Are you having a reaction to the anesthetics,and it comes out as inflammation in the back?

me thinks you'd squander your money better by going to a private
chiropractor.

P.s.Did they do the X-rays for your back or what?

Puzzling response for a puzzling complaint...

Anonymous said...

Eat me x

Anonymous said...

You are an idiot.
Why didn't you go to your GP? They could order tests in the unlikely event that it's anything serious and then give you some strong anti-inflammatories for the pain. My guess is that it's probably muscular, in which case try alternating between heat and ice packs. You might also want to see a physiotherapist or chiropractor to get some back-strenthening exercises to prevent this happening again.

Trixie said...

Ahhh, sweetie, come to mine, I'll give you a back rub (Can't promise the cocaine though)

heybartender said...

Definitely chiropractor. And drugs. But more like Ibuprofen and less like cocaine. Oh yeah- and ice packs.

fwengebola said...

Luna ~ Yes, well, it transpires that unless you're specific with doctors, they fumble about in the dark, medically speaking. I'm sure if I said my penis was hurting, I could've got them felt up. Actually, there's something peversely exciting about that. Bet I'd end up with a male doctor, though.
Anon ~ Yes. Right. Thanks.
Anon ~ Ok, ignoring all your follow up advice, I'd just like to respond to your first line with fuck you.
Trix ~ Yep. You're on. I have groin sprain too.
HB ~ Cheers. Have been using an icepack. 37% improvement, apart from when I wake up in the morning.

Anonymous said...

Seriously though, accident and emergency is called so for a reason. Imagine if some poor fucker who actually was having chest pains got shoved to the back of the queue because of your 'twisty back'. :(

fwengebola said...

I think the point of A&E is that they prioritise the emergencies. I made it clear throughout that I wasn't going to keel over and die; I just wanted to be given a green light.