I am also tired and shaky. I am quite literally trembling. For one thing, I have spent this bank holiday weekend in anti-activity mode doing absolutely nothing, to wit; Sat in front of Youtube listening to Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Eddie Izzard, Kathy Griffin (for some reason) and various Daily Show clips whilst playing Spider Solitaire.
And I have spent days doing this. It is for precisely this reason that I refuse to buy Grand Theft Auto or the Sims, for I will play them relentlessly, and achieve nothing with my life.
The reason I've been watching stand-up comedy (and Kathy Griffin) is because I'm about to write my Best Man's speech for Luke and Sabina's wedding this coming Saturday. And I'm petrified. Speaking in public is laying yourself bare - stood in a room full of silent people as they listen intently to you trying to be funny.
I've decided to write and learn the speech verbatim, because if I hold the speech in my hands, I'll be shaking so much that I'll drop it.
I went to Hippy Dave's wedding last week. It was tremendous fun, particularly after I'd done my reading. Dave wanted me to read the following during the ceremony, from the Adam Sandler film Mr Deeds:
Fifty years have passed by
with laughter and tears
Do you remember when we went to the zoo
and that time we drank all the beers?
I promise to love you for many years more
Even when your bosoms sag down to the floor
All I can remember about the reading was that I was terrified; that there was an attractive woman playing the harp in the background, that we were in the formal setting of a gorgeous Somerset country house, that I had gained a shitload of weight since I last wore my One Generic Suit™ in November and it was like wearing a beige straitjacket and tie. It was so tight in fact, that seconds before I was called up to shatter the formality of the day, I looked down and saw my jacket pulsating rhythmically with the frantic beating of my heart.
That reading took about thirty seconds - mainly because there was an earlier line to the poem that I'd left out by accident. Once that was over, I could enjoy myself. For once, my friends and I weren't the most wrecked. That accolade went to Dave's aunt whose husband had to escort her - pissed - to their nearby room around 4pm, where he locked her in. Apparently, an hour or two later, she was spotted climbing out of the window in an attempt to get back into the venue.
And now, on my birthday, I'm about to compose this speech, a long, rambling dialogue of my own devising, that I will have to perform in five days. I am not lying when I say that I can't enjoy the rest of the wedding - nay, the rest of my life, even - until this is out of the way.