Thursday, May 29, 2008


This is getting ridiculous; I've had little sleep. My boss told me to go home today because I was snappy and irritable and I fell for his reverse psychology, snapping back that I was fine and staying put.

Calling people up later on, a customer yelled that I was being rude, then slammed the phone down on me. (I'd spent the afternoon chasing people who haven't paid us in three months, who then take the moral high ground and get snotty with me because I remind them that they promised payment last week and still nothing's arrived.)

And this angry state of mind is largely due to lack of sleep - a lack of sleep thanks to Spider fucking Solitaire.

I can't stop myself. It is a drug. I don't write anymore. I don't watch TV. I barely do anything other than turn my computer on, fire up something on Youtube, then play 50 games of Solitaire whilst George Galloway rants in the background.

(I'll say this for Spider Solitaire: it is the perfect filling for a multitask sandwich. There is nothing that can't be listened to or even watched whilst losing to a simple card-based game.)

So. It is now 11:45pm and I'm squeezing this post out having forced myself, finally, from its sweet caress.

And here's my two vital titbits to impart:

1) Rob's stag, my Stag number 5, is tomorrow. I'm off to Newquay via Balham, fucking Balham, where Garry will pick me up (in 8 hours time). If you are in Newquay this weekend, please do say hello. I will be in the politest group amid all the other raucous, vomitting stag rabbles.

I'd take my camera but obviously it's still stolen.

2) I gave up waiting for my ineffectual mate to get Lovely Young Lady's phone number, and have stalked her instead (on the advice, it has to be said, of my mate Caspar who basically said, 'Go on, stalk her.')
The frightening part was the speed and efficiency of the whole process. I googled her place of work, clicked the first link and selected 'People', then came across not just her email address but a massive fucking picture of her.

Two weeks I waited for my mate to call me back with information, and he still hasn't replied. I found what I needed to in approximately 40 seconds. All of which merely reinforces my belief that if you want something done, Don't Ask Dan.

So, when my boss wasn't looking, I wrote Lovely Young Lady an email (composed from within a Word document lest I got spotted using Hotmail on company time). I tingled on seeing her name when she replied, a huge body of work that was friendly and cheerful. There were no tell-tale signs of an impending date (such as her agreement that we 'meet for a latte'), but friendly it was.

Which makes me think that she could just be one of those Friendly Girls™.

I've met these Friendly Girls™ before. Eager, yet disinterested. Any similarities to persons flirtatious and keen are purely coincidental.

Diane at University was one such Friendly Girl, and blonde, and bubbly, and attractive. We got on really well in the first year - well enough that she invited me up to her family home over the summer.

I drove up there at breakneck speed and met her Mum, Dad, brother and bunny rabbit and, after getting in to what was then the top nightclub in the country, her fucking boyfriend.

She'd neglected to mention him ever, remaining consistently Friendly™ and good-natured for about the first five or six months of University life I shared with her.

But don't ask me about women. Maybe friendly girls are really keen girls and are just biding their time until they suss you out.

Or maybe they really are disinterested yet incapable of indifference.

Fuck it. I'm going to bed. I want to be well rested for this mammoth six-hour drive tomorrow morning. That I'm merely a passenger of.

Newquay, look out - etc etc.

I hope I have sex.


The Nothing Man said...

Matey, don't take this the wrong way but, Stalking?

She's gonna be wondering one of two things:

Firstly, how did this guy get my email? and

Secondly, did someone give him my email?

She will quickly find out the the answers to both!

Even I, in my current toxic cloud of apathy and despair, understand these things!!

Still, gives me something to chuckle at

Dandelion said...

Vis-a-vis Friendly Girl (TM) - had you ever asked her if she had a boyfriend?

Oh, and ps Well Done!!!!!

daisyfae said...

if you hadn't lifted a finger to stalk her, then you'd never have a chance to answer the "friendly girl" question. in general, if i guy is willing to make a teeny fucking effort, then we generally know that he might give a shit.

go get her... (carefully)

Vi said...

First of all - Bloody well REMOVE the spider solitaire program from your computer, that will stop you playing it.

Second - Ask HER out in the next email, don't wait for her to ask you out.

Shoshana said...

Have fun this weekend! And don't give up on the chick - I second the motion to actually ask her out :)

Jo said...

Do you think that you're using Spider Solitaire as an emotional crutch?

Anonymous said...

the moral of this story is that you can find anything and anyone on the internet. It's a stalker's paradise.

but bless you, for your vice being solitaire-class.

C said...

oh balls, last comment was from me.

Z said...

Well, she is 100 miles away. For one of you to travel all that way for a latte is quite a commitment. I'd be inclined to keep going with the emails to establish that she still likes you (not stalkily often though) and then ask if you can come and meet her for lunch, latte or whatever in her home town - that you are prepared to make the effort to travel will go down well.

You'd be disconcerted if she was 'too' keen and disappointed if she told you she wasn't interested. Sounds to me as if she's got the right balance; and possibly she was following your lead - friendly but a little cautious?

You hope you have sex this weekend - heh heh, that is so unlikely. You aren't really into one-night stands, are you?

luna said...

Well done for being proactive.Dan's a rotten plank.

And even I undestand Spider solitaire- I've got the same addiction except it's to Killer Sudoku.
but,hum,being CARESSED by a spider?
you're weird.

P.S. Mercury's retrograde

marianne said...

God... I was in a bitchy mood today, too.

Anyhow... yes, do ask her out, you silly man. Hard to say yes unless the question is asked directly. And I really, really hope you have sex this weekend. But I don't think you will. You do have a tendency to avoid it, you know.

fwengebola said...

TNM ~ Yes, it's not actual fucking stalking, is it? Well, it's certainly garnering her address based on what she told me she did when we last spoke, but any stalking ends there.
Dand ~ Erm, no. I'm sure she would've mentioned her by now.
Daisyfae ~ Thank you, Daisy. As my Mum used to say, women appreciate a man who chases.
Obviously, there's a fine line between chasing and pestering, but I think I've got that sorted as I tend to give up after ten minutes.
Vi ~ I can't ask her out in the next email, because there HASN'T FECKIN' BEEN ONE!
I don't think she's interested.
Shosh ~ Hello again. Easy for you to say.
Jo ~ No, I'm using it as a way to speed up my impending death.
Anon ~ Yes, I dare say you can. And thank you for liking my solitaire vice. But I'd rather it was whiskey and hookers - more kudos.
C ~ Psht.
Z ~ Yes, you're right, if she was keen, I'd be scared right now. Good job she hasn't replied for four days then.
And I am into one-night stands. One-night stands just aren't into me.
Luna ~ What's Killer Sudoku? And you know that Mercury's retrograde? No, you're fine. That's not weird.
Mar ~ I DO NOT AVOID SEX. I just need everything to be perfect and it invariably never is.
I don't think I can 'ask her out' in the usual sense, just see what happens.
Which, currently, is nothing.

luna said...

There's still the possibility that there's something wrong with the e-mail,given your past computer crashes-or that her boss intercepts all contents of a personal nature...

Did you have a word with Dan's wife?After all if they went to the trouble to setting up a blind date,they'll be right behind you,right?

fwengebola said...

Hmm, I'm not sure. I think it's good old fashioned ignoring. I've had it so often that I'd be stupid not to recognise it.
Never spoke to Dan's missus. Perhaps I should.