Tuesday, March 25, 2008

It's 1am And I Want To Go To Bed

except I can't because the Easter holidays are officially over and I refuse to accept that I've got work tomorrow (which is actually today, because it's 01:12 in the a.m.)

My four-day weekend started with a sign of things to come. I decided to treat myself to a Good Friday omelette and chips at my local cafeteria whilst scouring the Guardian jobs pages, when a strange thing happened.

Actually, it's not that strange.

I read the damn paper from cover to cover, and shat myself.

Not literally.

My metaphorical shitting happened as soon as I realised I AM WOEFULLY UNQUALIFIED FOR EVERY ADVERTISED POSITION, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT 60% OF THE JOBS ENTAIL ANYWAY, I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER, AND I'M DOOMED TO A LIFETIME'S PINING FOR A DECENT WAGE I WILL NEVER GET.

So, in shock, I went home and all this weekend found myself frantically reading my entire self-penned first draft of the shittest novel ever written. It had been languishing by my bed, unread and in shame, for three months.

It is now undergoing a major second draft rewrite, mainly because I reasoned that if I'm not going to get a better job, I'd could always finish my crap novel.

Of course, the likelihood of this crap novel
a) getting finished to a level acceptable enough to attach my real name to it and
b) finding a mental agent/ publisher willing to face bankruptcy in order to publish the fucker, is slim.

However, the odds are vastly better than my only other life-improvement strategy on this spinning bastard orb we all live in: Winning the fucking lottery.

Because I quite simply can't continue in my current life, the one where dinner tonight consisted of an extra large Papa Johns pizza (the damn thing was £7.99 regardless of size - what would you do?), and where my one-time French techno-playing-at-3am-bastard-neighbour has been replaced by - I'm not kidding here - a psychopathic Polish drunk who is right this moment yelling abuse at his partner and smashing tables.

It is now 25 to 2am.

Superb.

27 comments:

Angela-la-la said...

Did you kill the frenchman and forget to blog it?

You need an evening class. You get to retrain and meet women.

Anonymous said...

I have to disagree with angela-la-la about the evening classes. I've tried German and Spanish evening classes and all I've ever met are old, retired people or guys who are there because their gf's are making them do it as a couple. Perhaps I'm taking the wrong sort of classes. Oh well, at least I'm not pissing into wine glasses...yet

marianne said...

Keep writing.

That's all.

Peach said...

HURRAH!

bittersweet me said...

i agree with Marianne. If these rants are examples of your writing then by rights you should be published. good luck.

Day Dreamer said...

Yes, good luck.

Would love to see the crap book re-write in print! I honestly think you have serious talent. Sucked me in quite easily, thanks. I always have high hopes for you.

Clarissa said...

You've got girlie admirers. You make us laugh.

And on another note, there is nothing more depressing than the thought of the next workday after a long weekend.

c said...

i think i love you.

Schadenfreudian said...

I never read job adverts any more, because I'm in exactly the same boat as you, i.e. un-fucking-qualified for any of the bastards. Actually, I'm in a slightly better position than you, in that I am not (currently) in imminent danger of losing my job.

This leads me inexorably to draw two conclusions:

(a) if I can survive in a top class London university, albeit doing a shite admin job, so can anyone. From which follows...

(b) you should look for a job in a top class London university. They'll take any fucker.

daisyfae said...

evening class isn't a horrible idea. pick something you don't hate, that will add a hint of "freshness" to your resume. Or just spray it with cologne...

some business-y course. if you can do admin, retail/restaurant management or something, that can free you up to keep writing. which you really should.

Laura Willows said...

Do you still wear the same glasses sported in your profile pic?

Vi said...

Try the TNT for the job. No qualifications needed there, just put on an Aussie accent!

sue said...

Never forget, despite the lack of job prospects, large pizza eating and pissing in a wine glass antics, you still have two qualities that all right thinking women agree are attractive:
1. Bit of excess weight
2. Always impeccable grammar

Hope novel rewrite is going well.

GirlDoesTokyo said...

Oh, dear. Sounds like it's time to pee in a wine glass.
Have you tried the civil service research jobs? I just posted my stuff there, and they (the computer program) instantly sent back descriptions of really boring jobs they thought I was qualified to do.

Anonymous said...

They're always looking for people to work in the mines in Australia...

sue said...

Sorry, I meant your perceived lack of job prospects. We all know you will be a success.

Paperbag Princess said...

Having recently become slightly addicted to your blog, I think you should write a book - it won't be any worse than some of the shite that's published and, frankly will probably be a whole lot better.

SpiralSkies said...

Oh God. I think you might be me?

fwengebola said...

Ang ~ No, he went back to Paris. I'm sure I mentioned it but it was fleeting, unlike the oft mentioned descriptions of his waking me up.
I can't do evening classes though. I'm frequently knackered and need more sleep than a newborn.
Anon ~ I agree, although I do like the thought of evening classes. I was doing kickboxing last year. It was only twice a week, yet it somehow took up all my free time.
Actually, I'm just lazy and I find it hard to not come home from work and do nothing for four hours.
Mar ~ I'm trying, ducks!!!
Peach ~ Ha!
BSM ~ Thank you. Except constructing a brand new world from a non-existent imagination and blogging about the crap that's already there, that's two very different animals.
DD ~ Christ, thank you. That's very kind.
Clar ~ God, and you too. Thank you. Fortunately that return to work is over and we're back to disgracefully short weekends.
C ~ Huh? Are you blind? Oh wait, I'm anonymous. Then I love you too, ta!
Sch ~ a) Then get me an admin job at Uni surrounded by Freshers.
b) See a)
DF ~ I see your point, but there comes a time when all the self-help books and evening classes are only going to take up all the time that should be spent writing the novel.
Like right now, but Nooooo, I'm typing this instead.
LW ~ No. They're eight-year-old sized. But they're still around, in a box in my Mum's garage, I believe.
Vi ~ Won't they all be pub jobs?
Sue ~ You mean eating junk food, being unemployable, and drunkenly micturating into drinking receptacles are all mitigated by a) being fat whilst b) being able to spell?
I may have to disagree with you on that one.
GDT ~ Do you find that pissing into wine glasses is a good cure for staying up late? A life in civil service sounds noble, although politicians are civil servants, and they're all cunts.
Anon ~ Who do I write to for that one?
Sue again ~ I appreciate the clarification.
PP ~ Welcome. A book, you say? Sounds like a plan.
*Shoots self*
SS ~ And welcome to you too. If it helps, I do suffer from multiple personality disorder, so perhaps you're actually me's.

Anonymous said...

Wow,you are so privileged to be living in an environment that will help you become the next Salinger!
And you've got the gall to whinge!

Inarticulate Fumblings said...

A few things:

a) Yours is the second shittiest novel ever written. I'll send you an unedited copy of mine.

b) I am completing my Master's degree and tenth year of postsecondary education. I'm in the same boat as you.

c) There is nothing wrong with Papa John's.

Melissavina said...

I've just stumbled over here and I love it. Hooray, I'm your new friend weather you like it or not.

Yay for crap novels, they're better than no novels at all. I'm writing one too. I'll bet mine's worse.

fwengebola said...

Anon ~ Is that sarcasm? I really can't tell. Particularly in writing.
So a) Thank you or b) Sarcastic thank you. Choose one.
IF ~ Hey, the wig's gone. Please do send me a copy but remember that a) I can't promise that I'll be able to read it, maybe even this year, b) you're three years younger. That might help a snatch, and c) There is when it's your sole food group.
Mel ~ And welcome! Aren't you lovely. There's plenty of hideously embarrassing stories here to hopefully cheer you up. And if anything grosses you out, then I didn't do that particular bit.

luna said...

It was me

Schadenfreudian said...

There are going to be a couple of jobs up for grabs where I work soon (and amazingly, neither is a result of my being given the boot...).

fwengebola said...

Luna ~ You were the Anon?
Sch ~ Great. Please fix me up with a job immediately.

luna said...

Yeah,wasn't it obvious from my distinctive writing style putting across amazingly original observations about this drab life of yours...