I've got no patience, that's my problem.
That, and a woeful propensity for miserable introspection.
For the last few days at work, my computer has been ridiculously sluggish. Although four seconds is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things, it's an age when that's how long you have to wait to view a folder you've just double clicked on.
And 8 seconds waiting for Excel to insert a new line in your spreadsheet is just not on.
So I decided to back up all my work, wipe Windows off my machine and reinstall it. My boss didn't seem to mind either.
'Do you know what you're doing?' he asked.
'Of course!' I spat indignantly.
So at lunchtime today, I inserted the startup disk that came with the computer and wiped the fucker clean.
If I were being honest, I'll admit that a small part of me had reservations. Belgian sized reservations, but they were amid Worldwide confidence in what I had to do.
But Belgium won. I fucked it.
For the remaining four hours of the day, I did no work other than swear, and attempt to connect to our network and the Internet whilst being called a 'fucking idiot'.
I have no idea how networks work. I don't care, either. Nor do I know what our passwords are, and neither does my boss who initially set the whole thing up with his computer boffin mate.
To make matters worse, at one point this afternoon, I forgot that I left the CD tray open when I stood up and heard a crack. When I looked down, I noticed the tray jutting out at an unnaturally unhealthy angle.
Panicking, I forced it back in against its will. Now the fucker won't come out again.
My boss's computer boffin mate is now coming to visit us on Monday night, at the unpleasant time of 7pm.
My ego is deflated. My soul has been sapped. And when things couldn't get any worse and I left to go home with my tail between my legs tonight, my boss chose that moment as I stood by the door to ask for my answer to his question of two weeks ago: Do I intend to leave the company for another job?
"Erm, yes. Sorry."
Now the clock is ticking and I have to find a brilliant job immediately. And stop smoking. And cut down on drinking. And lose a lot of weight. And prepare for a hideously embarrassing Best Man's speech in front of 200 people.
I think a heart attack is looming.