Friday, March 14, 2008

How To Get Fired

I've got no patience, that's my problem.

That, and a woeful propensity for miserable introspection.

For the last few days at work, my computer has been ridiculously sluggish. Although four seconds is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things, it's an age when that's how long you have to wait to view a folder you've just double clicked on.

And 8 seconds waiting for Excel to insert a new line in your spreadsheet is just not on.

So I decided to back up all my work, wipe Windows off my machine and reinstall it. My boss didn't seem to mind either.

'Do you know what you're doing?' he asked.
'Of course!' I spat indignantly.

So at lunchtime today, I inserted the startup disk that came with the computer and wiped the fucker clean.

If I were being honest, I'll admit that a small part of me had reservations. Belgian sized reservations, but they were amid Worldwide confidence in what I had to do.

But Belgium won. I fucked it.

For the remaining four hours of the day, I did no work other than swear, and attempt to connect to our network and the Internet whilst being called a 'fucking idiot'.

I have no idea how networks work. I don't care, either. Nor do I know what our passwords are, and neither does my boss who initially set the whole thing up with his computer boffin mate.

To make matters worse, at one point this afternoon, I forgot that I left the CD tray open when I stood up and heard a crack. When I looked down, I noticed the tray jutting out at an unnaturally unhealthy angle.

Panicking, I forced it back in against its will. Now the fucker won't come out again.

My boss's computer boffin mate is now coming to visit us on Monday night, at the unpleasant time of 7pm.

My ego is deflated. My soul has been sapped. And when things couldn't get any worse and I left to go home with my tail between my legs tonight, my boss chose that moment as I stood by the door to ask for my answer to his question of two weeks ago: Do I intend to leave the company for another job?

"Erm, yes. Sorry."

Now the clock is ticking and I have to find a brilliant job immediately. And stop smoking. And cut down on drinking. And lose a lot of weight. And prepare for a hideously embarrassing Best Man's speech in front of 200 people.

I think a heart attack is looming.


Jo said...

Ha, I'd have loved to of heard his response had you replied 'No, I'm thinking of staying for a bit'... I think it would have been somehwere along the lines of Fack Off.

Clarissa said...

You didn't. No. I won't believe it.

chopperbomb said...

I'm at work now and I've got the flu. And it's a saturday. How's that for suckiness?
I'm gonna be in town on Monday evening if you fancy a beer after said boffin fixes/condemns your PC?

Hannah said...

Well, a heart attack successfully executed would get you out of the other stuff.

c said...

Failing that,cry. Loudly with tears and snot and gurgling and mention your dead pet. It MIGHT work.

luna said...

And all this in a day's to speak.

What are you going to do?

Angela-la-la said...

Best you get pimping that nanowrimo novel now, numbnuts!

looby said...

You've done exactly the right thing by saying you're resiging. It'll overcome the inertia and the way that it's easy to abandone job applications halfway through.

Schadenfreudian said...

Ha ha! Best laugh I've had in ages!

fwengebola said...

Jo ~ Yes, it was a lose/ lose. Fucking hell.
Clarissa ~ I did. I have a while to sort things out, but sort things out I must.
CB ~ That's rubbish. Said boffin won't get there til 7 and the problem might not be fixed til 8/9pm, so I'm afraid I'm not going to stick around town afterwards. Another time though.
Oh, by the way, I'm off the sauce.
Hannah ~ Yes, so lets all pray for a heart attack.
C ~ I've tried that before. It doesn't work.
Luna ~ I don't really know, to be honest. I think I may be in somewhat of a pickle.
Ang ~Yes, thank you, thank you very much.
Looby ~ Yes, there's nothing like unbridled panic to push things forward.
Schad etc ~ Hello and welcome, you fuck.

Vi said...

Ah fwengy, it's time you pulled that finger out! Nothing like a bit of pressure to get your arse into gear! That's how I get all my work done!

Inarticulate Fumblings said...

Shitty deal, overall.

Make sure that you 'cut down on drinking' before you deliver that 'hideously embarrassing Best Man's speech.'

You'll thank me later.

Day Dreamer said...

I once spilled coffee with cream into my hard drive at work.

That little incident carried with me for the next four years.

They began a 'tippy cup' rule at work insisting that all beverages be contained if anyone was to drink anything at their desk.


c said...

Came back to check on your progress- I hope you're keeping it together.

EmmaK said...

I wonder if there really is such a thing as a brilliant job. Most jobs are okay for about two weeks then the rot and boredom sets in.

fwengebola said...

Vi ~ Yes, I'm now shitting it.
IF ~ That may well happen - finish speech, then inject neat vodka into my urethra.
DD ~ It's great when you're the inspiration for new work rules. Mine was 'Sweaty cycling gear will no longer be permitted on radiators.'
C ~ No, I'm not, I'm falling to pieces. Thanks for checking though!
Emmak ~ I don't know, Emma, I really don't know. One minute, I daydream that I'd like to be this, this, and this, then I remind myself that it would all be shite. I think we should all go back to enforced serfdom and remove the decision making process.