Saturday, February 09, 2008

Winning The Lottery

£7.10, to be precise, to be shared between six of us at work. So I won £1.18, and I only spent £9.50 getting there.

Thinking about winning the lottery made me ponder a lot of things, but mainly, I came to the conclusion that being handed fabulous wealth and never having to work again probably isn't as fantastic as it seems. Now don't get me wrong. A few million in the bank would be marvellous, thanks, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it wouldn't actually make me happy. It wouldn't make me unhappy, but I can't see how it would validate my existence in the grand scheme of things.

Nevertheless, the first thing I'd buy would be a house, a big fucking house in a charmingly salubrious part of central London. It wouldn't be too ostentatious though, just big enough for a huge bed, an enormous TV, and perhaps my own gym. A swimming pool wouldn't go amiss either.

Then there's the travelling part. Not long after buying the house of my dreams, I'd leave it and go back to India. It's an incredible place of contrasts, of warmth, hospitality, and experiences. But mainly, it's the land where you can potter about all day, eat rice and lose shedloads of excess fat without trying.

Then, once I'd acquired a rippling physique through zero effort and minimal lessons learned, I'd go back to my big bastard house and lie on the shagpile carpet.

I'd still complain though; of having nothing to do, of women suddenly and bizarrely finding me extremely attractive, of the dark yawning chasm of unfulfilled dreams tearing into my soul.

All of which finally led me to believe that maybe a huge financial windfall won't be the answer.

After all, what is the point of wanting for nothing? There are only so many gadgets and clothes you can buy. What good is there in having so much money that nothing's beyond your reach? What good's a Friday night catching up with friends if you haven't worked all week to get there? Where's the sense of achievement in that? What will I actually do anyway? Besides travelling the world and trying to shag it.

And that is what I've been telling myself again, and again, and again.

I can't help but feel that life is a series of acquiring bad habits and crap jobs, then spending all your energy and willpower trying to quit them.

Well bugger this. I'm going online to acquire a girlfriend. I need someone to complain to and fuck... although I currently have the sexual libido of a door at the moment, which is somewhat worrying.

So, chainsmoking, overweight miserable sack of shit seeks Amazonian goddess woefully out of my league to rub my back and tell me everything will be alright before willingly jumping into bed for mindblowingly below-par sex that lasts about fourteen seconds and ends with tears and regret.

Please form an orderly queue.

13 comments:

Dandelion said...

Well, since you put it like that...

Z said...

Amazonian goddess - sorry, Fweng. I fall at the first hurdle.

Clarissa said...

So you'll be going through a queue of us Amazonian goddesses then?

luna said...

One pipe dream after another.

I'll volunteer to share your sauna and flagellate your aching back Finnish-way with birch branches till Doomsday comes.
And don't thank me the pleasure will be all mine!

P.S. We'll both be naked of course.

indiscretion said...

Amazonian goddess? Well, no, not so much.

Woefully out of your league? Ha! I can do that one.

Rub your back? Sure, but not if it's going to lead to...

Mindblowingly below-par sex for fourteen seconds? Next!

Marianne

Dom said...

My experience of going online to acquire a girlfriend just left me even more depressed and just as single as before going online... except I now hate all the smug bastards I know who met each other through dating sites and are blissfully happy.

Jo said...

Online dating is a good choice. Not because it will find you a good woman, it might, but because Girl Dates London is abandoning blogging for a bit, so there's a gap in the market.

Bring on Fwenge dates World :D

Vi said...

ooo, you've jsut reminded me, I need to check my lottery tickets.

If you don't here from me, you know I've won. ;P

fwengebola said...

Dand ~ The queue's you, so far.
Z ~ Oh don't sell yourself short!
Clar ~ You mean you're... ?
Luna ~ Naked? Are you coming on to me?
Mar ~ How terribly flattering and ego boosting. I'm used to it though.
Dom ~ Every pot has its lid, my Mum always used to say.
Mind you, she loves the X-Factor, so I wouldn't listen to her if I were you.
Jo ~ You may be on to something there. Just give me a month to get match fit and I'll give it a dull, introspective whirl.
Vi ~ I'd prefer it if I did hear from you to know if you'd won.

Dom said...

Lids get lost.

luna said...

Nah,only teasing...I do so love anti-Valentine jokes!

Anonymous said...

cock!

fwengebola said...

Dom ~ But some lids stay.
This is an awful analogy.
Lune ~ It's all arse.
Cock ~ I see.