Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Self-Imposed Limbo

Last Wednesday, I woke up with a very sensible thought; don't cycle in - give my body a rest. I'd been pedalling to work like a 5-year-old on speed, then swimming myself clean, not to mention cycling home and hitting the gym when I got there.

A day off made sense.

But in that minor, logical break, I'd fucked myself. Nothing Man emailed me that afternoon to see if I wanted to catch up after work over a quick beer. Of course I did. My bike was at home, and I was wearing my more casual, tubed-it-in attire. It would just be the one, mind.

Next thing I know, I'm hammered and chainsmoking, and not cycling in on Thursday. I got fitted for my Best Man's suit that evening after work, and hit a pub with the Groom-to-be afterwards. The following day was Friday, so again...

It is now Tuesday, and I am still drinking, avec fags.

Brilliant. I am now paying for two gyms that I'm not actually visiting.

Back in the real world, I am gratified that by some strange universal quirk, no less than three murdering evil fuckheads, in some kind of justice Wait-Hours-For-A-Bus-Then-Five-Come-At-Once effect, are all paying for their viciously hate-filled crimes at Her Majesty's pleasure.

And furthermore, Islam, the current religion du jour, looks like it may finally be headed down the long road towards modernisation, just like Christianity did, kicking and screaming like a power-bloated maniac nearly 500 years ago, and just as my bearded Hebrew brethren did, equally reluctantly like a stubborn ginger step-child that no-one likes, a couple of hundred years later.

Because I quite like the idea of intolerants having their beliefs challenged, plus women will no longer be feared and restrained by their weak, intolerant menfolk who are blinded by theology mired in centuries old dogma.

Yet despite what I fervently believe in my liberal wishy-washy and humanitarian ways, those swarthy, tall, dark and handsome misogynists continue unabated, getting all the sex.

I still haven't shagged since I started blogging.

And yes, that was 2006.


Monozygote said...

Brilliant. I am now paying for two gyms that I'm not actually visiting

That's the spirit! Keep up the good work.

On the other subject, if they are misogynists, you've got to wonder, who are they having sex with? I shall now go and read the links that you have painstakingly researched and included in your blog so lovingly.

Vi said...

Maybe all that excess weight you go on about are actually in your balls! Maybe you should use the money on gym membership for a hooker?

Z said...

I love it. I'm old enough to be your mother, and I'm the one with a love-life.

Sorry, darling, I know I shouldn't gloat (I'd have made some reference to rubbing it in, but then you'd hate me).

Shoshana said...

Wow, what an unlifting post. Seriously, my life is looking better and better ;) Just kidding. I hope things look up very soon.

Dom said...

Don't fret too much. I'm as far from a liberal wishy-washy humanitarian as you can get (for example I beleive you could stop the reliance on fossil fuels and solve the benifits crisis in one fell swoop by simply burning poor people for power) and I'm getting no sex either. Perhaps we should burn the talk dark and handsome misogynists who are getting it all first.

Anonymous said...


fwengebola said...

Mon ~ Well if I was being a pedant, as usual, I would argue that you could easily be a misogynist and still shag around as it's all about their own enjoyment and not the shaggees.
Vi ~ If weight gain went on men's nads, there'd be a male obesity epidemic.
Z ~ No offence taken. Most coupled people have a more varied sex life than me, and that includes those in the 'sex once a year' category.
Shosh ~ Oh dear. I don't aim to upset. It just ends up that way.
Dom ~ Welcome. I'm all for burning misogynists across the economic divide. But mainly, sock arrangers. They'd get it first.
Anon ~ Yes. Thanks.

luna said...

Vi,you're being utterly obscene!
I cackled...

looby said...

Nothing this century yet for me! Bloody foreigners, taking all our sex.

fwengebola said...

Nothing this century?
Thank you for cheering me up with a shot of schadenfreude.
Wait, are you 7?