Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Relying On The Lottery

'You've got better odds of writing something great and going places with that than you have of winning the lottery', said my mate Ed tonight.

'Yes,' I replied, 'but writing something great will take sweat, effort, and seizure-inducing waves of self-doubt and mental trauma. Not to mention the fact that it probably won't get anywhere. To win the lottery, you only have to spend a pound at the newsagents and bugger off.'

Winning the lottery isn't laziness on my part, but my only Get-Out plan. I can't see any other way for me to a) buy a house in London, b) chill the fuck out, and c) become instantly attractive to women.

I got rejected from a job application today. It was the best one I've seen for, well, years...

"Talented writer required to write the online content for this popular TV Channel. As well information, you will be involved in writing on their blog sites and be involved in the social networking sites such as Myspace and Facebook."

The talented writer bit rather worried me (no comments to the contrary, please) but, nonetheless, I gave the application a real go. I re-wrote my CV to tailor it specifically for the job. I mentioned this blog (but didn't give out the address, for obvious reasons) and alluded to my various badly-written novels, scripts and sketches. I rejoined fucking Facebook. I decided not to rely solely on's lazy one-click-submission process and tracked down the recruitment agency to introduce myself there.

After hearing nothing for a week, I emailed the agency again to see if they'd received my CV. They did, for ten minutes later, I got this one-line, unpunctuated reply...

'Thanks for your application unfortunately you do not have the right skills or experience for this role.'

So that's that down the shitter of crushed dreams. My only career option now is suicide, but I don't like the pension plan.

So, like everyone else in the continent, I'm going to pay my idiot tax do the Euro lottery on Friday and win myself £95 million. I've organised a syndicate at work, and I'm going to buy about 50 million pounds worth of my own tickets.

Then, once I win (and I will with odds of just 1 in 76 million), I can buy a nice pad overlooking Regent's Park, make a good couple of dozen friends and family members millionaires too, and travel the globe with my message of fraternity and world peace.

Or I could save myself some cash, stop daydreaming, and wank into the gutter for pennies down in Soho.

At least it's Thursday tomorrow; I can see the weekend at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I'll catch a play. Perchance I shall be a gentleman flâneur and stroll along the Thames. Or I could hit the pub at 8am and drink away the interminable misery of being me whilst chainsmoking moody duty-free cigarettes in the rain.


Dave Fishwick said...

Winning the lottery is overrated. I've done it. My friends have done it. It's so last year. It's not all roses either. Just look at its history. There's the overweight pig from Norwich who pisses off his neighbours by driving 'bangers' around his back yard. The bloke that'd willingly give up his winnings for the promise of life (he's at risk of an aneurysm, if I remember correctly). Oh, and there's the chance of being sued by someone that you've raped. See? I do hope that those examples have dissuaded you from such ideas. Save the money and spend it on something nice instead. Like an Airfix kit.

Anonymous said...

Hey motherfucker, I finished my date this evening, texted her to tell her I had a very nice evening and we should do it again and then realised I killed it stone fucking dead because women don't respond to that!

Anonymous said...

Well, I for one think your lottery plan is very reasonable. I wish you much luck. Except that I wish myself more luck. Unless you want to make me one of your couple of dozen friends whom you make millionaires, in which case, I'll wish you more luck again.

Had to respond to 'anonymous'... why wouldn't women respond to that? Unless you called her 'motherfucker' in the text. Did you?


Dom said...

I've also won the lottery loads of times. Winning the lottery is not the solution. Winning big on the lottery is what's needed. All those £5's (thunderball) and £10's I've won haven't even covered the cost of the monthly subscription.

If you're really thinking of suicide as a career option why not do something different. Get a gun, hunt and kill anyone who has won over, say, £1,000,000 on the lottery and go out in a blazing firefight with the police.

Anonymous said...

ruby? fancy a beer in the evening?

luna said...

How about setting up a pancake competition instead?
Seeing as all your ideas always end up down the pan,you've got a winning chance.

fwengebola said...

DF ~ Hello Dave. I heartily agree. I'm convinced that being handed vast wealth won't actually make anyone, apart from the laziest and most materialistic, genuinely happy. And how much did you win? A tenner? Was it ten pounds? It was a tenner, wasn't it?
Anon ~ Yes, hello you fucking chump. Women don't appreciate being told by men they've jsut met that they've had a nice time. It looks desperate.
Of course, she could be flattered.
But generally, it'll be taken as a sign that you need to be with her immediately, and forever.
Mar ~ Rest assured that I would have given a good dozen or so of my most frequent commentators a couple of hundred quid for the hell of it.
But I didn't win, so that whole can of worms can remain unopened.
Dom ~ Hello Dom, and welcome to hell. Yes, ok, I will aquiesce to your semantics and clarify that a big lottery win is more preferable that a small one.
And your gun idea is deranged and needlessly vindictive. Do you know where I can get one?
Anon ~ *yawn*
Luna ~ You've been eating pancakes, haven't you?

luna said...

Well better eat them than fall as flat as them don't you think??

fwengebola said...

No. Too many carbs.

Anonymous said...

I pray and pay for the chance to win the lotto. Have done since @1995, so I reckon I must have spent at least £4 - £5k on it since then, only 10% of which has been won back, at most. My expenditure alone, recouped, would enable me to get up to speed with the rent, or keep my fledgling consultancy business going for a few crucial weeks. I am not only broke, but in so much debt I should be bankrupt; I have a family to suppport and suffer from depression, partly due to my career taking so many wrong turns. However, whilst I appreciate the chances are slim, there is still a chance - and the results for me would be life-changing, in a positive way. £4m would bring me up to speed with many of my peer group, so it's not exactly going to allow me to retire or sail off into the sunset. The problem is, with this depression, I do sometimes wonder whether I spend too much time dreaming of winning it and planning how to spend it, instead of going out to earn it. But how else am I going to pay off all this debt, buy my own house, pay for my children etc ???

fwengebola said...

Cripes, this is an old post. You clearly know the pitfalls of it all, so there’s very little I can add other than a 1 in 70 million success rate is not dissimilar to being handed a front door key and being told it’ll open one particular home somewhere in the UK. It may be a bungalow in a Cornish cul-de-sac or a windswept cottage in the Highlands or, of course, absolutely anywhere in between.
I often like to remind myself of that analogy, as the real trick of the lottery operators is convincing everyone how damn easy it is to win. Don’t believe the tripe.