Thursday, February 14, 2008

I AM IN *FUCKING* AGONY

Jesus H. Christ on a bike... Argh.

Nnng.

Every movable part of me hurts. My eyelids hurt. It feels as if my skin has been peeled off, rubbed raw with a cheese grater from the inside, sprinkled with salt and stitched back again.

Fucking gyms.

It would appear that four years absence from treadmills and weights has a detrimental effect on fat bastards.

I took it easy on my first session in a near half-decade, choosing embarrassingly light weights, carefully probing all the machines like some kind of ageing technophobe, and generally looking frighteningly new as I jotted down a carefully considered and gentle routine for myself.

And when I woke up on Wednesday morning free from any kind of pain, I felt sure I was the World's Most Sensible Person ever. And a little bit superhuman.

But it's all slowly crept up on me like a crouching insurgent in Baghdad. I feel as weak as a kitten on a defibrillator.

I cycled home earlier with tears in my eyes, gibbering for all the constant exertion to stop.

The intention tonight was to go back to the gym for my second visit.

I didn't. I can't move. The end.

Oh and naturally, St Valentine's Day can regally go fuck itself, obviously. For those who haven't read it/ are violently bored right now, here's my worst Valentine's day ever.

Yes, that's right, repeats. I have nothing new to offer.

17 comments:

Day Dreamer said...

(I had high hopes you would continue your onward trudge.)

I first started reading here last year after the nightmare in the states. Sure wouldn't be the same place if you suddenly started pitching us happy thoughts.

But I had hopes!

Keep it up, anyway, right?

Dom said...

I believe tradition now dictates you try the gym sporadically a couple more times before resigning yourself to paying the monthly fee to them for no gain for the rest of the year until you can get out of your membership.

Z said...

Look darling, I was quite chipper that I'd kept up the cycling for three months and have only just added a weekly visit to the swimming pool. It's not all or nothing, you know. Not going to the gym last night does not mean you might as well smoke and eat pies all day.

Peach said...

hmm, what about writing a book?

I shall keep on until you do you know...

fwengebola said...

DD ~ I went back to the gym tonight. Career through the wall, and Push the Envelope spaceward.
Etc.
Dom ~ You're absolutely right, but I checked this gym out. I can cancel whenever I want with no penalties. All I have to do is not kid myself for seven fruitless months by paying and not going.
Y'know, like I've always done, along with everyone else.
Z ~ You're absolutely right, Zed, but you can go to the gym then smoke and eat pies all night.
Win/ Win.
Sort of.
Peach ~ That may not happen. That's a different kind of hard work.

Anonymous said...

Queer c*nt!

fwengebola said...

Good night, Martin?

Vi said...

Fuck that for a joke. I'm happy with my voddy and fags.

Anonymous said...

Nuts go better with spliffs,ta.

luna said...

What is it I've just said

Inarticulate Fumblings said...

When I left my parents home at 17 and moved to another city, I decided it was the year that I was going to get in shape.

I bought a muscle magazine that gave a tutorial on how to exercise every muscle in your body. Uneducated about the whole process, I went through the entire thing over the course of two hours, maxing out every muscle in the process. Man, was I ever feeling good about myself.

The next morning, it took me no less than ONE HOUR to dial the phone on the other side of my bedroom to call in sick for the next week. I couldn't move.

I feel your pain.

c said...

I join you in stabbing V day in the heart. Where can i read more about the french woman?

fwengebola said...

Vi ~ I envy anyone who deep down doesn't give a fuck.
Anon ~ I'll bear that in mind. Thank you.
Luna ~ I'm sure that made sense when you posted that.
InFum ~ Welcome. And I appreciate that. Just goes to show how unexercised we all are.
Damn Industrial Revolution.
C ~ Welcome too. Are you sure? That delightful temptress was briefly alluded to here of course, then here, and originally here. It's your funeral.

c said...

omg i hate you, you've made me stay up well past me bed time reading your stuff and i have work tomorrow!!

Amira is agood alternative arabic name, it's very appropriate for her..quite the "princess".

fwengebola said...

Sorry about that. And since you posted that, I've discovered that she never left France and is working a mile or so from me. Great.

luna said...

But that's great news! Now is the time for us to plan your revenge!

fwengebola said...

You go ahead. I'll have a little sob.