Tuesday, February 12, 2008

FEEL THE BURN... MAX THE WALL

FOCUS YOUR YANG.

PUSH THE BUCKET.

I've just rejoined a gym, with all the lifting and grunting and sweating and such.

And it's great. I've just come back from my first session in many, many years.

It's cheap.
It's shitty.
But it's three minutes walks from my flat.
Just an hour every other day, plus cycling to work and swimming, and minus beer, pringles and anything else fun, and I will shift this bastard flab that's encased me like a really fit and attractive young man covered in a kilometre of butter.

You see, I've got a wedding to be Best Man at in 3 months, plus I'm ageing hideously and I'm so single, my family are beginning to suspect Broadway musicals figure heavily in my life.

Plus lots of cock.

SO! No more sullen introspection for me. No way. This is the new and improved whinging bastard. I'll get myself a string of hideously awkward dates and blog about them in painful detail. I'll meet someone I really, really like and care for and blog about her in awful, precise detail.

Then she'll read it and I'll get dumped.

But most of all, my pain will be shared right here with ALL THREE OF YOU!!! Shared like a dirty vial of crack. Shared, as I lose weight, gain confidence, and finally dig myself out of the quicksand of life.

Look, today's glorious stats! Bask in the glory of their greatness:

12.02.2008
MILES CYCLED: 8
LENGTHS SWAM: 6 quick ones
DUMBELLS LIFTED: Loads
BACK KILLING ME: Yes
ROWED: Some
FAGS SMOKED: None
SNEAKY TOT OF WHISKEY CHEERFULLY WALLOPED BACK AS I TYPE: 2


I

WANT

TO

DIE.

20 comments:

Vi said...

So, you can't lift the fags into your mouth cause your knuckles are dragging on the floor from all those weights? I'm glad to see you at least managed to get the whisky into your mouth!

Dandelion said...

What's even better, right, is to not unjoin the gym in the first place. Just stop going, and keep giving them £40 a month for doing nothing. That's what I do.

What whiskey are you drinking? I've been enjoying a glenfiddch 15 year old single malt. It's quite the evening blogging thing to drink.

Angela-la-la said...

Damn, vi beat me to the 'the only reason you've not smoked is the DOMS won't let you!' joke.

I will therefore comment with my secondary thought, which is...

Tempt that bitch, fate! Go ahead with your plan, meet someone you really, really like and care for, blog all about your early dates and then, as soon as you get an inkling that she may, possibly be looking for your blog - delete it!

Delete is your friend.

Anonymous said...

I must be your fourth reader then.

How many calories in a spliff?

Dom said...

Ah yes, joining the gym. I did that, and I improved my diet. I now weigh more and still have a gut. Life is cruel like that. If you need any excuses to skip a gym session or 10 I have millions :)

Shoshana said...

I can't wait for all the new stories ;) It's good to know that someone is brave enough to share all those awkward dates with the world. I just cower and hide them, hoping they will go away if I don't air them to the world.

Anonymous said...

I see you've taken some of my 'life cleaning' on board! Trust me, mate, you'll be happier for it. I know I am. That's why I can't write my blog anymore.

The first few dates will be awkward I'm sure but sooner or later you'll hit it off with someone!!

Z said...

Three of us? You're a bit overconfident there, mate, aren't you?

Well done, darling. You'll beat my weight loss in a week, and I'll be gracious about it.

badgerdaddy said...

This is a funny fucking blog. Well, it will be, when you do some shagging. Right now it's just a funny blog. Well, I don't mean 'just' like it might have read.

I'll go now - and just quickly add that I can't believe Dandelion drinks Glenfiddich of any kind, it's pisswater as I recall.

Girl Friday said...

Maybe you'll even meet this mystery girl at the gym. Since it's so close to yours, you can invite her round for some whiskey and a shag. Any bird who says no to that isn't worth it. Good luck mate!

Peach said...

yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Write a BOOK while you're at this new self improvement peak (or near-death), will you oh ranting fat and smoking one?

;-)

Clarissa said...

You're going to share your crack with me!!!!!! That is just what I need!

Anonymous said...

You are sounding more and more like Bridget Jones. Next we're going to hear about a Mr Darcy...

Anonymous said...

Max Wall, eh? You don't get role models like that anymore.

fwengebola said...

Vi ~ Baby steps, darlin'. I've re-gymmed tonight, but now I'm pissed and smoking in front of a monitor.
Twat.
Dand ~ A single malt called Aberlour. It's beautiful, with a hint of citrus. And I will never stop going to the gym.*
(*This may not happen forever.)
Ang ~ I cannot delete the blog. It now rules me. And I am fully aware of DOMS, seeing as I had it in earnest.
'Non ~ I don't believe there are any nutritional benefits from a spliff. Unless you end up eating Pringles.
Dom ~ The trick is to never, ever, ever stop.
Of course, you could never, ever, ever start, and perchance be quite happy for ever more.
Damn modern, non-physically strenuous work.
Shosh ~ Hello again. No! Share! Banish the demons by airing them.
Or somesuch crap.
Anonimart ~ It's a life cleaning of sorts - or a kinda reliving of past gym endeavours. I'll only gain weight again in a few years.
Ugh.
Z ~ Three was being optimistic. And being single is a great persuader in the weightloss realm.
Badge ~ Welcome, and stop being flattering. It confuses my miserable nature. I will endeavour to shag on your behalf, starting now.
Whilst drinking Glenfiddich.
GF ~ Christ, there's a thought. Although having said that, in all my (two) visits, the women seem kinda mental.
Damn my strange fussiness.
Peach ~ But you're assuming that my book will be good. I thank you for that. But it's shit!
Clar ~ Yes, a healthy addiction to illegal Class A's is just what's called for to cure all ills.
Anon ~ Wha..? Oh crap, you're right.
Damn those brief lists at the end.
Anon ~ I did actually think of 70's entertainers who never owned their own phone when I wrote that post title.
So you're not alone.

luna said...

Pah!It'snot gonna last:you're doing it for vain,superficial,image related reasons.

In the meantime, do entertain us with your gym stories,for instance by endeavouring to stray into the women's changing room by mistake and running into a rhinoceros in the process of unhooking her bra...

P.S. Word verif:ooh is it a sign?

badgerdaddy said...

Aberlour is goooood. I once went to a meal at the distillery - seven courses, every one using the whisky as an ingredient... Awesome.

PS: Sorry to hear your pain!

fwengebola said...

Luna ~ Of course I'm doing it for vain,superficial, image related reasons. Why else would I torture myself to get a hard, firm, sinuous body?
BD ~ They made food out of Aberlour? Sweet Jesus, give me a fucking menu.

ambrosiality said...

ha ha i joined the gym for the gym in jan and cancelled in feb. I think i only went there 3 times [sigh].

i'll do something next week. (1st time at u're blog, this guy might cheer u up though, he sure did what i did: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1trkBh92bk)

fwengebola said...

Well I've so far spent £72 and been twice.
And I'm quite angry now too.