Less than 2.0 Not felt. Jim Davidson can happily walk down the street and still be called a cunt by earthquake-oblivious passers-by.
2.0-2.9 Men in white suits with recording equipment twitch in nervous excitement. Leeds remains shit.
3.0-3.9 Dogs' ears prick up in intrigue. Cats stop licking themselves. Jim Davidson still a cunt.
4.0-4.9 Hideous Ikea lampshades rattle visibly. Clairvoyants panic that they've actually tapped into the Other Side during one of their fraudulent milking-the-bereaved readings.
5.0-5.9 Moderate. Chimneys fall off houses in godforsaken Lincolnshire market towns. I wake up in London, thinking I'm having a stroke. Becomes top news story for the next three fucking years.
6.0-6.9 Strong. People ignore Jim Davidson to seek refuge in Tescos. Men in white suits start masturbating furiously. Middle England begins to compose letters to the Daily Mail, accusing the Earth's mantle of being under the influence of Islamic terrorism, the Polish, or drugs.
7.0-7.9 Major. Buildings collapse. My hidden stash of porn comes flying out of the wardrobe, probably when my parents are round. DFS momentarily stop their sofa sale. House prices drop ten pounds.
8.0-8.9 Serious. Heather Mills unable to keep leg affixed to hip. Hooded 12-year-olds from Scunthorpe go into labour. Deaf people say 'What was that?'
Men in white suits now at the vinegar strokes.
9.0-9.9 Devastating. 10 Years Younger and Wife Swap temporarily removed from television schedules to make way for 24-hour rolling news coverage of what Bruce Forsythe thought. Jersey children's home staff momentarily stop abusing their residents. The dying manage to whisper their last from beneath the rubble of Tescos to call Jim Davidson's racist fucking corpse a cunt.
10.0+ Never recorded. England win on penalties.