Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Shot Down In 2008

New Year's Eve. No plans. A sudden opportunity to go out with Ed, who decided to rebrand himself as Clipper, the Gulf War One veteran. I became JD, a bitter copper out on a limb. Fuck you all ~ we're old men. (Besides, we were drunk and keeping our new names only to ourselves - and that's as sad as it gets.)

What riled me was as follows - and bear with me, I'm drunk and typing slowly.

We hit London. I hate London on New Year's Eve because it's shit; heaving pubs, nothing to really do, lots of coppers telling you where you can't go.

So we trip the light fantastic, have a few drinks, try to find the least busy alcoholic emporiums. We note a cacophony of young people, and an unusually high quotient of Chavs from the shires out for their first New Year's 'Up West'. We find a pub in Soho, strangely full of very attractive Japanese women, but that's largely irrelevant. But what pissed me off was a comment made by a young girl as her friends were leaving one particular pub. I was stood outside having a cigarette - my last, as I am about to give up forever of course - when one of the girls asked me for a light.

'Sure,' I replied, then followed this up with, 'So where are you off to tonight?'

Now let me set the scene; I was about to stay in this evening, my first New Year's indoors since I was a foetus, when I got the chance to go out. I was keen to do something, but not necessarily 'in the mood' to do anything. I was eager to mingle with people to celebrate the secular pinnacle of an annual fresh start, but old enough to not care too much. Sex was the last thing on my mind; after all, I was feeling pretty average and was quite happy blending into the masses.

But if there's one thing that annoys me more than anything, it's supposition, the assumption that I'm some twat with a cock who is trying to bone all and sundry.

Now lets make this crystal; I'm a single bloke. I'd like a shag. I'm not a criminal. And if you've read this blog in the last hour, that may be obvious. But neither am I a monster. I have morals. Sometimes, and with my own drab personality getting involved, I'm too preoccupied with my own shit to even think about actually having sex with an X-chromosomed life form.

Because sometimes, the fact is, I'm just bumbling about doing my own thing and not actually lusting after women 103% of the time. Generally, it's about 94%.
And I do so quietly, then go home alone.

So I stood outside this pub smoking a cigarette when this girl asked for a light. I duly presented her with a flame, and casually asked what she had planned for the evening. It was an honest, mildly inquisitive question that had nothing to do with furthering anything carnal or sweaty in any sense whatsoever. I could've asked the same question to a humanoid with bollocks.

And then her friend, a young, haughty platinum blonde, eagerly interrupted, snapping...
'Our boyfriends wouldn't like you to ask such questions!'

If she said it with any kind of irony, I could've forgiven her, but there was none. She was angry, and stony faced. I laughed it off, and told her I'd heard the boyfriend routine before.

And then they stomped off. And as they walked, slowly, imperceptibly, my smile became a frown.

'Boyfriend.'
How fucking dare she!

I wasn't being sleazy or inappropriate. I'd asked a question that she'd taken as a veiled threat. I've had the boyfriend shtick before and, once again, it stung. It suggested that I was trying to get into their collective pants when all I was doing was making polite conversation.

If she said it after five minutes of random chat, fine. She's drawn her own conclusion and she wants to make it clear to me and to her friends that she 'knows my game'.

But she interrupted to yell this out. The last time this happened, I was at a friend's party, chatting to a ladyperson. Her female friend who had been staring at me angrily interrupted to point out the girl's boyfriend.

Completely rude, totally inappropriate, and none of her damn fucking business.

This pisses me off to High Heaven. It suggests that these complete strangers know me better than I know myself because clearly, all I am is a sleazy, mucus propelled invertebrate only after a fuck.

God forbid I'm just trying to have a conversation.

They left, it turned 12am and some fireworks went off.

All I have to say is: Women! Give men the benefit of the doubt. Granted, yes - we may like a shag like the rest of humanity, but at least give us two minutes to establish the lay of the land before accusing someone of sleaziness via the 'boyfriend' medium.

Motherfuckers.

Oh, and Happy New Year.

And to celebrate, here's The Pit, courtesy of my new camera, where absolutely nothing happens barring typing this crap...

15 comments:

Jo said...

I think those girls behaviour comes down to arrogance more than their sex...and the fact that if they were even remotely good looking, they would have had the 'sooo, what are you doing tonight?' conversation with about 50 pant-hungry men already that night. Such are London bars and clubs: sleaze fests of the highest order. The Irritating Mate jumping in is always a pain in the arse. It's usually me, actually, but I only do it because I'm trained in deciphering the 'Rescue Me. Now' look from a friend.

Clarissa said...

Jeezuz you sound like a perv. My partner would blow a gasket if he knew you wrote to me the way you do.

fwengebola said...

Jo ~ If the light receiver flashed her chum a 'rescue me' look, it was lightning fast. I was quite literally setting fire to her cigarette as I asked the question.
Completely rude and impolite.
Grrr.
Clar ~ Yes, you have sussed me out. I am an immoral perv of the highest order.
Grrr x 2.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

man, I would have bitch slapped her! Saying that, I have used the boyfriend line before, but not until they've pestered me to death!

bittersweet me said...

she was a bitch, fwengebola, no doubt.

My friends and i had a different ploy to deter men - we would snog each other in a non-verbal deterrent way, although to be fair, it often sent the wrong message ...

best wishes for the new year. It will get better. somehow.

Peach said...

dude, chill your boots, what do you care? so the chick's mate interrupts and throws you a line, be cool and ignore. She was probably jealous you were even vaguely looking like chatting up her friend (even though you weren't, I know, I know) rather than her; also certain young girls like to point out (to men) that they (feel/are) superior to them...

Bless them...

looby said...

Re the incident at the party... how ridiculously old-fashioned it is for someone to take it upon herself to suggest that a girl with a boyfriend isn't allowed to chat to other men.

I've every sympathy for you F. People ho on about blokes only being interested in one thing but some girls force innocent icebreakers into a stereotype of lust which only exists in their own heads.

P.S. Wuold you be able to change my link on the right there from .com to .co.uk? Thanks - some bastard purchased the domain after I forgot to renew it.

Will said...

Annoying.

You should submit that picture to The Guardian's Writers Rooms column. It's almost identical to JG Ballard's.

elif said...

like jo has already said, it can get very disturbing to be hit on by 50 sleazy guys, who come with the worst pick up lines ever, so the 51st guy can get treated the same way. see, it's not because they got a perfect idea about you or your character in 2 seconds, it's because they put you in the wrong cathegory. though i think she has a mouth and she can speak for herself, so it was very rude for her friend to just jump in and say that and what she said was also funny. it sounds like "my mom told me not to talk to strangers".

your room looks tidier than mine by the way.

hackedoff said...

I have a stock of witty one-liners to deal with situations like that. Trouble is, I'm always too pissed to remember them. Damn - I'm sober now and I still can't remember them. Doh.

fwengebola said...

Vi ~ EXACTLY. There should be a) at least 60 seconds boredom before invoking 'The Boyfriend' and b) It shoudl come from the bore-ee, not an interloper.
BSM ~ Nah, not a bitch, just young and over-impressed by herself.
And snogging your mate's not going to get rid of any bloke.
Peach ~ God, CALM DOWN!!
I think we're all in danger of assuming everyone's wound up. Yep, almost certainly an age thing. Plus I have issues.
Looby ~ Good point, even someone's girlfriend can have a conversation with a stranger in a public place. Link duly changed. Bastards.
Will ~ Don't I have to have something published first? And be famous? And old?
Elif ~ Look, it can't be easy being an attractive girl, battling against the orcs and goblins of mankind, but there's a difference between a guy walking over to a girl and saying 'Alright, darlin?' and a girl asking for a light and getting polite conversation, on New Year's Eve.
I've just cleaned my room for a new year treat.
Hackedoff ~ Welcome, and great. I need comeback lines, as all I can think of is to scream in a future butting-in's face.

elif said...

hehe here's a come back line for you:

"your boyfriend doesn't let you talk to strangers? my girlfriend is ok with me having a polite conversation."

oooor you can just say "so is your face" and walk away as they are trying to find the relevance which doesn't exist.

aight darlin? hehe

fwengebola said...

That first one is brilliant.
No, really, brilliant.
Why didn't I think of that?
DAMN!
And are you coming on to me?
Oh. Of course not.

luna said...

Now I can diagnose that your room is at the root of all your down and evil thoughts: what a depressing inmate cell!
Time to take out the paintbrush and go wild on those walls!
Or blow up a sunny NY pic to make you happy every morning!
Ever heard of Shui Fweng?

fwengebola said...

I'm not painting my bastard landlord's property. Sod that!