Thursday, December 06, 2007

Embarrassing Memory #10: The List

To all the female readers out there, Goodbye. To all the sad, misogynistic sexist males, Hello. There is no excuse for this. It is lazy blogging at best, intrusive and unnecessary posting at worst. What had begun life as a piece about how cheerful I am ended up - somehow - becoming this shameful list of some of the women I've slept with, fancied, or briefly snogged, and I am no longer cheerful but pensive, withdrawn, and rather shamed. This list is pathetic and I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

But not sorry enough to press 'delete' and go to bed.

All I can say is that I come out of all this far, far worse...

1) Emmeline, my first kiss. Someone told me she liked me. So I sought her out in a nightclub and snogged her as if I'd done it a million times before. If I stopped here, I would've been cool.
Sort of.

2) Diane, my first unrequited love, during my first year at University. 20, like me. Blonde and buxom, not like me. I travelled up to Derby and stayed with her and her folks one weekend. I drove her to a big club. I met her friends in the queue. Then I met her boyfriend, the one she'd never mentioned before, not even in passing. I spent the rest of the night alone in a corner making a lemonade last three hours while she disappeared to the toilets to get fingered.

3) Sharon, my second unrequited love, during my second year at University. I had no idea how to approach her as anything other than a friend, so I tried looking pathetic and desperate, which apparently I did very well. Then she became a lesbian.
True story.

4) Molly, the girl who would've popped my cherry but I felt nothing for. So I did the honourable thing and avoided her advances, finding her eagerness bemusing. This is me, after all.

5) Jo, my third unrequited love, during my third year at University. Really fancied her, and wasn't helped by living with her that whole year. Or drunkenly telling her I loved her either.

6) Sophie, my fourth damn unrequited lover. Cute, sexy, flirtatious, disinterested.

7) Angela, my first official girlfriend. My Mum liked her. Three years older than me and perfect in every way, apart from wanting to settle down and have kids immediately. Naturally, as my first girlfriend, I was hornier than Bill Clinton on Viagra in a brothel with Bill Gate's wallet, and simply had to move on. Angela, I now know in hindsight, was probably where I should've laid my hat. Had the most spectacular pair of breasts in Britain. Now married with two children.

I am now a fully functioning sex-haver. Kleenex could go bankrupt overnight.

8) Oona, first one night stand. Kept demanding that the duvet, constantly falling to the floor amid frenzied bouts of passion, be brought back over our sweaty frames as she was 'cold'. But it was a searingly hot July evening. Perhaps she was less cold, more very, very overweight and embarrassed.

9) Gwendolyn, fifth and final unrequited love, particularly if I have any say in this. Ladyperson, looked good, could've got somewhere, didn't.

10) Sally, sister of a friend. Brief snog in an Australian hellhole nightclub. She broke off from the kiss to demand a "commitment". Why, I don't know. I can't even commit to myself, not because I'm some kind of man-whore, just a twat.

11) Bunny, second one night stand. Had a gammy eye. Needed to use Vaseline, despite my self-professed magic hands.
I'm not doing myself any favours here.

12) Amira, my second official girlfriend, her unknown stranger if you ever asked her. Stunning French Queen of the Harpies. Any lingering bitterness you pick up here is all in your head. I'm well shot of that beautiful dusky temptress.

13) Kathy, third official girlfriend. Dated her for six months. Actually went out with her to do boyfriend/ girlfriend stuff about once. She was lovely. Hindsight's a bugger.

14) Marie, third one night stand. Bisexual Swede. Phenomenal night of pure unadulterated lust. Would have liked to have seen her every night until forever, but got the impression the following morning that she desperately had to go home as she had some wrists she needed to slit.

15) Thai Prostitute 1. Sincerely thought I was in a bar about to watch a famous Thai ping-pong show, and not actually in a glorified brothel. Cute girl sat next to me and began rubbing my thighs, which was a first. Her head was dangerously close to mine so I asked her *completely innocently* if she was allowed to kiss as, well, she was about six millimetres from my face. She replied by sticking her tongue down my throat which was fantastic and terrifying in equal measure, as I was now sucking about 2,000 cocks by proxy.

16) Thai Prostitute 2, almost identical scenario to the above, about 20 minutes later. Ran out of the club alone and back to my hotel to drink a bottle of Listerine and remove all my teeth.

17) Michelle, first fuck-buddy, but as we only had sex once at her request, technically my fourth one-night stand. American. Felt like I was in a porn movie when she started screaming generic sexual niceties. She asked if I would like to 'do her in the ass' but I said no out of politeness. Why? WHY???

18) Julie, fourth official girlfriend. Was a virgin.
Was.
Decided to overlook all our flaws as a couple to be mature and commit a little, then she dumped me after three months. I was gobsmacked and went through a 24-hour rejection period. Do you hear that, Julie? 24-hours!
Ah, forget it.

19) American Lady Friend, fifth official girlfriend. Brilliant. Cute. Intelligent. Funny. Same sense of humour, background, and pop culture references. And lives 4,000 miles away.

2007 has been a barren sexual desert of a year. And considering the above, I can't say I really deserve anyone ever again.

So, Kleenex are posting record profits.
I am getting crows feet when I smile.
My knees are killing me.
I need a support bra.

Come and get me, numbers 20 and up, for I am Man. Hear me belch.

23 comments:

Alex said...

Oh... My... God. Sire, I honestly hope you take no offence in this, but that's the most hilarious blog post I've read in... well ever. Not because of the desperation (nay, I think you've done ok), but just because you're a comic genius.

The sentance "She asked if I would like to 'do her in the ass' but I said no out of politeness. Why? WHY???" Qualifies as the funniest thing of the year. Are there some sort of Blog awards I can submit that line to for you?

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

oh dear....

I think I beat your number just in this year.

*hides in shame*

la fille mariƩe said...

Baby, you have made yourself a challenge to all the ladies reading your blog, who now believe they are the one who can make you into the perfect boyfriend / lover / fuckbuddy.

dave fishwick said...

Why don't you go and get 19+, rather than wait for them to come to you, eh?

actonb said...

I agree with LFM.

That was very very clever Mr Fweng. Very clever indeed.

And also sneaky.

Hmmm...

Z said...

If it's any consolation, you've had sex with quite a lot more people than I have. Not this year, of course.

Sabine said...

Oh Fweng,

just think of all the sexual diseases you have not yet had, and humiliating adventures that you havent' yet had in store as 2008 rolls around!

No, I'm joking! Kind of hard that you write so well. Most probably you'll have one of those weird encounters that ends up in the covers , and that person just stays not only for lunch but dinner tomorrow and then after. And hope it is soon and your gem of humour is not wasted on someone who won't appreciate.
You do sound like you have had some good girlfriends- but they just aren't as funny in summary as the others.

And you'd be surprised at us gals- just the kind of challenge we like..

Peach said...

(to readers: He'll be telling you he's fat, unattractive and ginger next...)

Anonymous said...

What about the nurse?

fwengebola said...

Alex ~ Good lord, Alex, and thank you. I am blushing beyond belief. And, *cough*, these guys and these chaps involve themselves with honouring sad fucks who think they have something to offer the world. Sadly, that ain't me.
*cough*
*choke*
*vomit*
Vi ~ You ho. Seriously though, that list is abridged. There's at least another, erm, two women I haven't mentioned.
I think.
LFM ~ Eh? Really? If that's the case, I really don't know women. Not that I ever claimed to, but really.
DF ~ Oh, do stop being so pro-active on my behalf. I could do, technically, but advice is a dish best served by you, for someone else. Try eating the fucker.
Act ~ What? I'll repeat that.
WHAT?
How the fuck can I write a list, with numbers and stuff, and that's a come on to women. I mean, come on. That's seriously not right. I don't get you womb owning carbon-based lifeforms at all.
Z ~ Are you Greer's Female Eunuch? Nine ain't all that. Not that I'm counting, or anything.
Sab ~ What makes you think I haven't got sexual diseases? Unless being a walking antidote to sex counts, in which case I'm riven with it.
I suppose '08 could be exciting, but then I thought that about '07. Mind you, I also thought '07 could be the year I die. Or at least get a very bad headache. I can't believe I'm a challenge to women, unless the challenge is to avoid me. In which case, they're very much winning.
Peach ~ I'M NOT GINGER! Although I'm still considering getting the barnet dyed a darker colour. You never know, as a brunette I could snare myself a cute hair racist.
Anon ~ The nurse was number 7, Jamie.

Z said...

I wasn't trying to insult you - after all, you do it yourself so much better than I ever could. Nearly 35 years with one bloke is my reason.

Z said...

Um. Sorry, that sounded bitchy and I didn't mean it to. x

British Gal Does Tokyo said...

What are:
"generic sexual niceties"? I want to learn to scream them.
Is anal sex impolite?

bittersweet me said...

snortingly funny.

vaseline?!! (i clenched at the thought)

better luck next year :D

luna said...

Well what does it prove apart from the fact you're a typical average male,wanting what he can't get and depreciating what he's managed to get.
Someone once told me to never deflower a virgin,as all they want to do is practice the kama sutra then rush away to show off their skills elsewhere and play the stud,and your post verifies it.

LFM, you go first:I've been trying to warn him of mistakes with women ever since the Yankee debacle but nothing goes in.

Still wouldn't it be funny to invite all the women for NYE,and eavesdrop on their chatting...
Entertaining post.

chopperbomb said...

The nurse was number 7? Oh, I see. You didn't mention the bit about re-using a condom off the floor...

looby said...

Fab. I love that mixture of regret and unreciprocated feelings. It's given me my idea for my next blog post, which will either get something major off my chest or make me dash out to the offie ten minutes before they close to get a 3.99 French antifreeze, one of the two.

pearl said...

Hey, so far, have u fuucked any gal. If not, then have just one gal and then try to seduce one of them, I will hint, easy course will be Sally (ur sis friend). if ur sis will know also, she (ur sis) will not kick u off,rather she will help u as well getting Sally for you. Hey, not get mistaken, I am not b/f of ur sis, lol. I am far far from ur land. If u want to contact me for more tips ;) write me back pearlstory06 @ yahoo.com.

Hannah said...

So. What/who are the plans for 2008?! That little list is gonna take some beating...

Jo said...

Did Pearl just volunteer to be No. 19?

You'll be happy to know that the above girls are lying: such posts are not seen as a 'challenge' nor a 'turn on' for the majority of female-kind. They are, however, rather amusing and I demand that the list be updated as and when.

Or should that be 'if'? ;)

fwengebola said...

Z ~ Don't worry, never any offence taken. And it didn't sound bitchy!
BGDT ~ Erm, "Oh yeah, fuck me, like that, yeah," that kind of thing. In an East coast accent. Quite pleasant.
BSM ~ Vaseline was the nearest to lube that I had. Although its primary purpose wasn't as lube.
Luna ~ Hey, I never said I was an above-average male. Yes, I too popped my cherry and wanted to share my newfound font of knowledge. As did Julie.
CB ~ Ugh. Oh yeah. I blanked that bit out. Thanks.
Loob ~ Oh, that's intriguing. Please link.
Pearl ~ Pardon?
Hannah ~ You think I accrued all that in 2007? *cough*
Ok, if you say so.
Jo ~ I knew it. I bloody knew it! It's like the end of that film Quiz Show, when Charles Van Doren admits that he's been cheating and the congressional members begin congratulating him on his honesty and erudition. Until one of them turns on him and effectively calls him a twat.
You may have a long wait for the next compilation.

20 something said...

'Ran out of the club alone and back to my hotel to drink a bottle of Listerine and remove all my teeth.' LOL! are you sure it was female?

fwengebola said...

I thought I could tell these things.
I don't know.