To all the female readers out there, Goodbye. To all the sad, misogynistic sexist males, Hello. There is no excuse for this. It is lazy blogging at best, intrusive and unnecessary posting at worst. What had begun life as a piece about how cheerful I am ended up - somehow - becoming this shameful list of some of the women I've slept with, fancied, or briefly snogged, and I am no longer cheerful but pensive, withdrawn, and rather shamed. This list is pathetic and I'm deeply, deeply sorry.
But not sorry enough to press 'delete' and go to bed.
All I can say is that I come out of all this far, far worse...
1) Emmeline, my first kiss. Someone told me she liked me. So I sought her out in a nightclub and snogged her as if I'd done it a million times before. If I stopped here, I would've been cool.
2) Diane, my first unrequited love, during my first year at University. 20, like me. Blonde and buxom, not like me. I travelled up to Derby and stayed with her and her folks one weekend. I drove her to a big club. I met her friends in the queue. Then I met her boyfriend, the one she'd never mentioned before, not even in passing. I spent the rest of the night alone in a corner making a lemonade last three hours while she disappeared to the toilets to get fingered.
3) Sharon, my second unrequited love, during my second year at University. I had no idea how to approach her as anything other than a friend, so I tried looking pathetic and desperate, which apparently I did very well. Then she became a lesbian.
4) Molly, the girl who would've popped my cherry but I felt nothing for. So I did the honourable thing and avoided her advances, finding her eagerness bemusing. This is me, after all.
5) Jo, my third unrequited love, during my third year at University. Really fancied her, and wasn't helped by living with her that whole year. Or drunkenly telling her I loved her either.
6) Sophie, my fourth damn unrequited lover. Cute, sexy, flirtatious, disinterested.
7) Angela, my first official girlfriend. My Mum liked her. Three years older than me and perfect in every way, apart from wanting to settle down and have kids immediately. Naturally, as my first girlfriend, I was hornier than Bill Clinton on Viagra in a brothel with Bill Gate's wallet, and simply had to move on. Angela, I now know in hindsight, was probably where I should've laid my hat. Had the most spectacular pair of breasts in Britain. Now married with two children.
I am now a fully functioning sex-haver. Kleenex could go bankrupt overnight.
8) Oona, first one night stand. Kept demanding that the duvet, constantly falling to the floor amid frenzied bouts of passion, be brought back over our sweaty frames as she was 'cold'. But it was a searingly hot July evening. Perhaps she was less cold, more very, very overweight and embarrassed.
9) Gwendolyn, fifth and final unrequited love, particularly if I have any say in this. Ladyperson, looked good, could've got somewhere, didn't.
10) Sally, sister of a friend. Brief snog in an Australian hellhole nightclub. She broke off from the kiss to demand a "commitment". Why, I don't know. I can't even commit to myself, not because I'm some kind of man-whore, just a twat.
11) Bunny, second one night stand. Had a gammy eye. Needed to use Vaseline, despite my self-professed magic hands.
I'm not doing myself any favours here.
12) Amira, my second official girlfriend, her unknown stranger if you ever asked her. Stunning French Queen of the Harpies. Any lingering bitterness you pick up here is all in your head. I'm well shot of that beautiful dusky temptress.
13) Kathy, third official girlfriend. Dated her for six months. Actually went out with her to do boyfriend/ girlfriend stuff about once. She was lovely. Hindsight's a bugger.
14) Marie, third one night stand. Bisexual Swede. Phenomenal night of pure unadulterated lust. Would have liked to have seen her every night until forever, but got the impression the following morning that she desperately had to go home as she had some wrists she needed to slit.
15) Thai Prostitute 1. Sincerely thought I was in a bar about to watch a famous Thai ping-pong show, and not actually in a glorified brothel. Cute girl sat next to me and began rubbing my thighs, which was a first. Her head was dangerously close to mine so I asked her *completely innocently* if she was allowed to kiss as, well, she was about six millimetres from my face. She replied by sticking her tongue down my throat which was fantastic and terrifying in equal measure, as I was now sucking about 2,000 cocks by proxy.
16) Thai Prostitute 2, almost identical scenario to the above, about 20 minutes later. Ran out of the club alone and back to my hotel to drink a bottle of Listerine and remove all my teeth.
17) Michelle, first fuck-buddy, but as we only had sex once at her request, technically my fourth one-night stand. American. Felt like I was in a porn movie when she started screaming generic sexual niceties. She asked if I would like to 'do her in the ass' but I said no out of politeness. Why? WHY???
18) Julie, fourth official girlfriend. Was a virgin.
Decided to overlook all our flaws as a couple to be mature and commit a little, then she dumped me after three months. I was gobsmacked and went through a 24-hour rejection period. Do you hear that, Julie? 24-hours!
Ah, forget it.
19) American Lady Friend, fifth official girlfriend. Brilliant. Cute. Intelligent. Funny. Same sense of humour, background, and pop culture references. And lives 4,000 miles away.
2007 has been a barren sexual desert of a year. And considering the above, I can't say I really deserve anyone ever again.
So, Kleenex are posting record profits.
I am getting crows feet when I smile.
My knees are killing me.
I need a support bra.
Come and get me, numbers 20 and up, for I am Man. Hear me belch.