Thursday, November 29, 2007

Going Nowhere

Quite literally, Lynne. I'm on the ring road!

And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, congratulations. You are not the geek I am.

Seeing as I am being pestered to update my blog, I will do so, at 11:36pm on a Thursday night despite being riven with extreme tiredness, and with a post tuna-fucking-pasta dinner apathy.

1 ~ My evil bastard French neighbours have moved back to France. It is official. The nice Indian owners of the newsagents below my flat have confirmed this both verbally and physically. Verbally, by telling me, and physically, by moving in to his crack den.

2 ~ I was then woken up the following night by the new neighbours above us who consistently walked around their flat til 2am causing me to smack my ceiling with a baseball bat. The night after that, Large Northern Flatmate battered their front door because they put their washing machine on at midnight, the reverberations of which woke him up. (I was sound asleep, wearing shit wax earplugs).
They then left him a bottle of wine by way of apology (which I subsequently had to myself.)

3 ~ I have recently downloaded Windows Movie Maker, a very basic editing program, and have been staying up all night bolting my old Internet porn clips together and cutting out those offputting shots of men's grimacing faces prior to them ejaculating onto a pair of fake tits or a tongue.

I wish I could say I was joking about that one, but I can't.

4 ~ With no 'novel' 2nd draft to even contemplate about starting until 2008, I have found myself penning ideas for a ghost story script. It's been swilling about in my head for a few years, but only now am I starting to conjure up the relevant details. Suffice to say I have scared myself sufficiently that I can't get to sleep with the lights off.

I am 33.

5 ~ I am looking into the going halves on buying a house with either Nothing Man ("He's angrier than the average cunt") or Large Northern Flatmate. With no gorgeous partner with whom to settle into cohabiting bliss forever, I may as well admit defeat, stop paying rent and start paying an extortionate interest-only mortgage with one of two moody blokes.

And as that is all that has happened to me, here are some things I have never mentioned:

6 ~ I am too scared to go to my local Tescos because of their overfriendly security guard. It is now physically impossible for me to walk in without having to shake hands with him. He likes to do a strange clicking thing with my outstretched palm which intimidates me slightly and makes me feel very unhip and middle-class, plus he then refuses to release my hand. Lately, I have had to physically peel his hand from mine. I am now buying multipacks of tuna and enormous bags of pasta to avoid going back there regularly.
I think I have scurvy.

7 ~ I have not had sex in 2007. Although I have technically mentioned it (by virtue of the lack of posts containing the words: 'I', 'GOT', or 'LAID'), it has just dawned on me now.

8 ~ I have been Christmas Internet shopping. So far, I have bought myself Munich, Casino Royale, City of God (which I used to own but it fucking vanished), and Election on DVD, and a beard trimmer to replace the one I accidentally smashed two days ago. The only actual present I bought was a book about how to correctly use apostrophes for one of my two nieces, which I'm sure she'll love. Having to learn rudimentary English skills at Christmas. Brilliant.

9 ~ I have just discovered that I have been wearing my underpants back to front all day. I HAVE NEVER DONE THAT IN MY LIFE. I'm losing it.

I am now going to bed. I have done my usual trick of forcing myself through the sheer unmitigated hell of tiredness despite desperately needing sleep. You'd think I'd've learnt not to by now.


Vicus Scurra said...

I trust that the book was about "How to use apostrophes correctly", otherwise she will be substituting one horrendous social mistake for another.
I hope that this helps.

Alex said...

3- Kudos for inventive use of multimedia tools. :).
6- Very worrying. But you should stop eating tuna, for it's the devils food.
7- Ouch. Big, big ouch. It's not *that* hard to do surely?
9- I'm VERY impressed you've never done that before. IT happens to me more than I'd care to mention. But then you end up with the classic question: Do you continue, reverse, or replace?

Jo said...

Re: Not having sex in 2007

Fear not, Christmas is upon us which means another month to get some notches. I advise you to grab a copy of last months Company magazine, with a handily titled section called 'The 12 Lays of Christmas' to help you on your way.

Clarissa said...

Your sacrifce for your art is appreciated.

Shoshana said...

I just noticed that I am amongst your blogroll "babes." I'm not often called a babe (I get stuff like sweetie much more often) - thanks :)

You have 31 more days to go to try to get laid - make the most of each day! (May I just suggest that spending your time throwing together porn clips may not be the best way to make it happen?)

Anonymous said...

I was getting just a little bored, until you mentioned your underwear. No, I'm not being pervy. That just struck as so very funny. And of course, I've never done anything like that in my life. Never.

mia said...

number three is a fab idea...

number 7 though... ooh. good job you've done number three, eh? ;)

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

My fucking neighbours put their washing machine on at fucking 3 IN THE MORNING the other night, I'd only got to bed at 2 in the morning, after keeping a vigil on a child that was having an asthma attack, just finally started drifting off when said machine woke 7yo, who then woke me cause he was scared of the noise. The fucking whir kept me up to 4am.

Rant over.

sue said...


luna said...

"33 1/2...The knackered gun!"

More likely your evil neighbours got deported back to North Africa subsequently to your ratting on them.


LNF must be a really nice laid back person to contemplate sharing his whole life with you swiping his consolation booze.Or he's pretty catatonic.

As for your present,you'd better read it yourself beforehand:it's Tesco's not Tescos.I bet she'd rather get a pair of glittery hairclips from H&M instead,poor mite.

Girl Friday said...

If it makes you feel any better, I realised yesterday (as I was fluffing my pillows prior to a night on the town, "just in case I didn't come home alone" I have only slept with 1 person this year. 1. And I'm not an ugly fat chick. Ok I could lose half a stone, but no heffer. I laughed out loud in bed while naked reading this post. Surely you can count that for a least a half notch?

fwengebola said...

VS ~ Oh fuck. Did I split an infinitive or something?
Alex ~ Welcome. 3.You should download it. Ultimately no more having to pause while a man strains. 6.I can't help it. It's the only healthy thing I eat. 7. Technically, no. But I'm picky. Godknows why. 9. It was a first. I chose to continue. I discovered it at work and wasn't duly bothered. Then I forgot all about it.
Rock on!
Jo ~ Dare I buy a big girls' magazine full of adverts just to get laid? Maybe. I've done worse.
Clarissa ~ Oh, it's not for my art. I'm just too stubborn to go to bed. Except it's 8am on a Monday morning and I'm painfully shattered. I didn't go to bed til 2am. Again.
Shosh ~ I was going to call it 'Blogroll Birds', so consider yourself lucky.
No, making new porn isn't practical, but it's a damn sight more productive than trying to chat someone up.
LFM ~ I would've thought the chanced of ladies' knickers being put on back-to-front would be enormous. After all, at least gents' pants have some kind iof hole/ button giveaway.
Mia ~ 3's a lot of fun and certainly useful when 7 stubbornly continues in the same vein.
Vi ~ I don't think I could possibly contemplate a life bogged down by little people making demands. I can barely look after myself as it is.
I'm going for a shower.
Luna ~ Yep, there's another stream of consciousness comment.
LNF doesn't drink wine. He's unsophisticated. I've just taken a look at the 'Tesco' website (why?)
They appear to avoid pluralising it at all costs, unless it's in possession, eg: 'Tesco's businesses' where there's no option but to apostrophe it.
Oh, this is fucking ridiculous. I'm going to work...
GF ~ You fluffed your pillows in case you pulled? That's very nice, but I don't think I've ever heard any man say, 'So I went back to this girl's place and there was this really well-made bed.'
Yes, that's sort of a notch. Virtually.
Wait, no it isnt'.

Iron Pugilist said...

2- Victory!

7- We should establish a brotherhood!

8- Good choice. Sucks that you lost it though.

Hannah said...

Hmm. My life would be so much easier if I'd not had sex this year. Maybe it's something to try next year.

Anonymous said...

I haven't had sex this past year either, and I cosider myself an attractive, young woman. Of couse, I have issues, and obviously, so do you.

Peach said...

I'm with Hannah. Too much sex is worse than none. No, well, you know, too much anything is as bad as too little...

dave fishwick said...

Update please, big boy!

fwengebola said...

IP ~ Welcome. I do hope you're sane.
2 - These simple pleasures in life. I was happy.
7 - Membership of The Brotherhood is currently at 15,000,000.
8 - Lost, but back again. And currently still in my drawer at work.
Hannah ~ Welcome. I do hope you're desperate. Don't ever bemoan not having sex. It sucks. Or more accurately, doesn't. Ha.
Anon ~ Attractive, you say? Gagging for it, you allude? Meet me immediately.
No, don't. You'll only be disappointed.
Peach ~ But to paraphrase Stephen Fry in a sketch he once did, 'Too much of anything is bad. That's what too much means; an excessive amount.' Personally, you can't knock an excessive amount of sex. Pfft, whatever.
DF ~ Oh the delicious irony of seeing your comment appear as I was composing my latest. Shame you won't notice for about a month.