Quite literally, Lynne. I'm on the ring road!
And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, congratulations. You are not the geek I am.
Seeing as I am being pestered to update my blog, I will do so, at 11:36pm on a Thursday night despite being riven with extreme tiredness, and with a post tuna-fucking-pasta dinner apathy.
1 ~ My evil bastard French neighbours have moved back to France. It is official. The nice Indian owners of the newsagents below my flat have confirmed this both verbally and physically. Verbally, by telling me, and physically, by moving in to his crack den.
2 ~ I was then woken up the following night by the new neighbours above us who consistently walked around their flat til 2am causing me to smack my ceiling with a baseball bat. The night after that, Large Northern Flatmate battered their front door because they put their washing machine on at midnight, the reverberations of which woke him up. (I was sound asleep, wearing shit wax earplugs).
They then left him a bottle of wine by way of apology (which I subsequently had to myself.)
3 ~ I have recently downloaded Windows Movie Maker, a very basic editing program, and have been staying up all night bolting my old Internet porn clips together and cutting out those offputting shots of men's grimacing faces prior to them ejaculating onto a pair of fake tits or a tongue.
I wish I could say I was joking about that one, but I can't.
4 ~ With no 'novel' 2nd draft to even contemplate about starting until 2008, I have found myself penning ideas for a ghost story script. It's been swilling about in my head for a few years, but only now am I starting to conjure up the relevant details. Suffice to say I have scared myself sufficiently that I can't get to sleep with the lights off.
I am 33.
5 ~ I am looking into the going halves on buying a house with either Nothing Man ("He's angrier than the average cunt") or Large Northern Flatmate. With no gorgeous partner with whom to settle into cohabiting bliss forever, I may as well admit defeat, stop paying rent and start paying an extortionate interest-only mortgage with one of two moody blokes.
And as that is all that has happened to me, here are some things I have never mentioned:
6 ~ I am too scared to go to my local Tescos because of their overfriendly security guard. It is now physically impossible for me to walk in without having to shake hands with him. He likes to do a strange clicking thing with my outstretched palm which intimidates me slightly and makes me feel very unhip and middle-class, plus he then refuses to release my hand. Lately, I have had to physically peel his hand from mine. I am now buying multipacks of tuna and enormous bags of pasta to avoid going back there regularly.
I think I have scurvy.
7 ~ I have not had sex in 2007. Although I have technically mentioned it (by virtue of the lack of posts containing the words: 'I', 'GOT', or 'LAID'), it has just dawned on me now.
8 ~ I have been Christmas Internet shopping. So far, I have bought myself Munich, Casino Royale, City of God (which I used to own but it fucking vanished), and Election on DVD, and a beard trimmer to replace the one I accidentally smashed two days ago. The only actual present I bought was a book about how to correctly use apostrophes for one of my two nieces, which I'm sure she'll love. Having to learn rudimentary English skills at Christmas. Brilliant.
9 ~ I have just discovered that I have been wearing my underpants back to front all day. I HAVE NEVER DONE THAT IN MY LIFE. I'm losing it.
I am now going to bed. I have done my usual trick of forcing myself through the sheer unmitigated hell of tiredness despite desperately needing sleep. You'd think I'd've learnt not to by now.