Thursday, September 06, 2007


Ok, I'm not writing much on the old NaNoWriMo, as evidenced by this post. Plus, I'm finding it extremely hard to invent hilarious goings-on from my head. I have oft thought of this blog during my writing, and mused upon how much weirder and amazing real life is. Had I written this blog as fiction, I would never have come up with smashing a Frenchman's speakers, masturbating on an ex-girlfriend's couch, or punching a wall in Spain after no sex (my hand still hurts), not to mention detailing a lifetime's idiocy.

As for a real-life update viz a viz the ladytramp, the police were called - ok, community officers (they hang around and chat more) - removing the lady in question. It turns out she was a prostitute, recuperating between shifts. Her thigh length boots and belt-sized skirt gave it away, but as she was perpetually under an old blanket lying on cardboard, I never noticed. Suffice to say, there's a troubled life full of intriguing twists and stunning turns that gets but a passing mention here. (Can you tell I'm screaming for interesting characters?)

I am about to embark on a STAG WEEKEND - a bachelor party for the un-British - in Bristol, fucking Bristol, tomorrow night and for two days, in honour of my mate Big Nicholas and his looming wedding. Bristol, to the uninitiated, is a large port town, perhaps a city, in the west of England. It is famous, in my mind at least, for getting fat on the profits of slavery, for Massive Attack, and for blind, mindless thuggery emitting from their numerous waterside pubs. Thirty men are going, and a fair few will be financial London City types. Hence, an Olympian amount of alcohol will be abused, and a fair amount of (allegedly) natural and chemical substances of the illicit persuasion gorged upon - but not by me. *Cough*. Needless to say, I am currently extremely concerned, not for being in such a reprehensible crowd, but more to do with my immediate and impending death in the next 48 hours.

And should I survive, I have a second date to look forward to next Friday (although she's currently not getting my text humour, which is bad); Me, her, and Matt Damon in the third part of an average trilogy.

Golly, things are actually happening.

[Publicists - please offer me a five-figured book deal.]

Finally, does anyone know how a postman can ruin a blind date? I'm out of NaNo ideas here.


la fille mariƩe said...

Perhaps he (the date) reminds her of her postman, who has annoyed her by mangling the mail every day for a month. She is irrationally irritable throughout the date.

A second date?

elif said...

ah well she could fall in love with the postman and think about him during the date... or the postman could bring her a letter right before she leaves the house. a letter with terrible news that don't only ruin the date, but also her life... (twilight zone music here :P) or the postman could turn out to be a psycho who has a crush on the girl. yeah lame ass ideas. i'm not feeling very creative these days.

sue said...

The postman could mix up the post and deliver tickets to 'We Will Rock You' rather than 'Spamalot'. And hilarity ensues.

Oh I don't know, I'm not a writer. I'm a carrier bag buyer (sacked).

Looking forward to reading the novel though.

Quote said...

I told you so. You owe me a pound.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

You are chatting to the postman about your blind date and he says 'Oh yeah, I deliver to her, she's the woman with one leg, crossed eyed and missing teeth.

fwengebola said...

LFM ~ Hmm, ok. And yes, a second date. Should be interesting.
Elif ~ Interesting ideas. There is a postal angle, true, but I there has to be something else.
Sue ~ Tsch, I couldda sold you bags.
Vi ~ Hmmmmm. God, I don't know. Bloody hell, this inventing stories lark isn't easy.

But thanks everyone.

Han said...

Oi! Be careful what you say about Bristol as I live 10 minutes from it. Actually, you can say what you like as I think it's a shit-hole and I only ever venture there for the shops. Good luck.

Peach said...

looking forward to the post weekend post...

Angela-la-la said...

Life stranger than fiction? Uh huh!

Second date? Yay!

Recovering prostitutes at work? Ick!

Stag weekends in Bristol? Oooh!

Nanowrimo? Hmm...

This comment was brought to you by one word answers and gamut of emotions productions.

Tim Clague said...

Cary Grant came from Bristol. Errrr. Bye.

Quote said...

I'm going to find you tomorrow and cut off your arms.

luna said...

We regret to acknowledge that Quote is totally out of step with progress.
One can now write a novel by dictating it to a computer.
Wait, one can now write a novel simply by thinking about it and let said computer pick up one's brain waves.
We are of the opinion that Quote Person should go and have a thorough shave.His comments are way too hairy.

luna said...

Ditto his facies

luna said...

Indeed you may be living your last party days on this merry earth.
Please make sure your pub doesn't stand anywhere near the suspended bridge, as noone has ever survived falling off it.
Or near the docks,as you'd find it awkward to breathe at the bottom of a canal.
Or near the 4lane road,you might get mistaken for kangaroo kill.
This stag is going to require lots of planning of safety features.

Apart from that say hi to Isambard,I've got fond memories of him.

P.S. Postmen are so annoying,they always deliver your post to your neighbours or vice versa.
one pevy one even asked me for "a cup of tea upstairs!!!"

Anonymous said...

The local Postman near to Richmond but more botanical went missing for 3 weeks and ended up dead in sus. circs. in a flat in Roehampton. Postie could be blind dates brother...? She gets the news as she arrives?

fwengebola said...

Han ~ There were shops there? I won't be offensive and say it was a 'shithole', but it did honour the time-honoured tradition in British cities for bars, booze, kebabs and ladies in very short skirts.
Peach ~ So was I until I was informed on the train down to say nothing.
Ang ~ 1/ Isn't it just? 2/ Should be interesting. 3/ I didn't use her. 4/ More like 'Ughhhhh'. 5/ Do it!
Claguey ~ And his name was Archibald Leach.
Quote ~ But I need them. There's just the one appendage I don't really use, but I'd rather you didn't go there.
Luna ~ Leave the other commentators alone. I take it you've been to Bristol before.
Anon ~ That vaguely makes sense. I should say it's the postman who's on a blind date.

Little Bird said...

Sorry to bring some practicality to this blog, but it helps when writing a novel to have a vague outline of the chapters and main characters.

I'll go crawl back under my rock now.....

Anonymous said...

Almost all writers draw from their own real life experiences. The most affecting fiction is so because it's relatable and doesn't feel contrived. There's always an element of truth, if not in the plot, then in the characters themselves. Try using some of your own experiences as a basis and build the story around them. Or choose specific parts of your personality and build a character on them. Just have fun with it and stop thinking so hard!

fwengebola said...

LB ~ No, no, no, you're absolutely right, but by the same token, and the whole point of the project, is that in having a vague idea of characters and plot, they beging to develop simply in the writing process. And it's true, and strangely fascinating.
Anon ~ It's mostly based on real life! I've even mentioned a few events from this blog, but I've tried to keep everything vaguely new. Having said that, yes, most characters are based on an existing friend or relative, or a combination of them.