is where I'll be in 12 hours with Nothing Man.
As a general boring update because for some reason I feel compelled to, I am at my Mum's in slightly-outside-Northern-London. She is playing online poker and being guarded by a really ugly dog called Baxter who barks a lot and looks like an elf.
I, meanwhile, am using my Stepdad's computer with its unnecessarily huge 'I'm 75, you know' icons and semi-naked cartoon dancing girls, as he's a bit pervy. I have already checked Facebook and 'poked' friends, a pointless if addictive exercise in time-wasting. I have already 'Invaded Poland' with Paul, and 'Imposed Sanctions' on Martin. Sadly, 'Lube'and 'Felch' now appear automatically in blank fields on my Stepdad's computer as a result of further poking. I don't think Stepdad'll believe me when I tell him I was only felching Luke and Lubing Natalie. In an online sense, anyway.
In approximately 7 hours, a cabriolet will arrive to whisk me off to Luton, thence to the golden vomit and condom strewn beaches of Southern Spain. And although I will overdraft myself back to Germany c.1922, it'll all be worth it. Work today sucked harder than a Dyson in a black hole in a porn film, to the point where I wanted to throw something living at a wall (preferrably a customer) and scream at my boss that I'd had enough and wanted to become another government statistic at the local job centre.
But I kept quiet. I continued to answer unceasing phones, continued to get more work thrown at me, stayed late, then ran for the hills. Or more accurately, my Mums for goulash, a place of sanctuary where the TV is played at bomb-exploding levels, where the Daily Mail is considered a level headed liberal paper, and where Heart FM can be heard from nearly every room in the bungalow for NO FUCKING REASON!!!
Things are swell now, mainly my waistline. I haven't gone on that 3 week pre-holiday health trip as intended, so I don't feel particularly sexy. Nonetheless, I am hoping that pitch-black darkness and extreme inebriation will be my friend in those grim, grim bars of Fuenguerola.
Viva life! I'm off to attempt catching an STD. Adios.