Tuesday, July 03, 2007


is where I'll be in 12 hours with Nothing Man.

As a general boring update because for some reason I feel compelled to, I am at my Mum's in slightly-outside-Northern-London. She is playing online poker and being guarded by a really ugly dog called Baxter who barks a lot and looks like an elf.

I, meanwhile, am using my Stepdad's computer with its unnecessarily huge 'I'm 75, you know' icons and semi-naked cartoon dancing girls, as he's a bit pervy. I have already checked Facebook and 'poked' friends, a pointless if addictive exercise in time-wasting. I have already 'Invaded Poland' with Paul, and 'Imposed Sanctions' on Martin. Sadly, 'Lube'and 'Felch' now appear automatically in blank fields on my Stepdad's computer as a result of further poking. I don't think Stepdad'll believe me when I tell him I was only felching Luke and Lubing Natalie. In an online sense, anyway.

In approximately 7 hours, a cabriolet will arrive to whisk me off to Luton, thence to the golden vomit and condom strewn beaches of Southern Spain. And although I will overdraft myself back to Germany c.1922, it'll all be worth it. Work today sucked harder than a Dyson in a black hole in a porn film, to the point where I wanted to throw something living at a wall (preferrably a customer) and scream at my boss that I'd had enough and wanted to become another government statistic at the local job centre.

But I kept quiet. I continued to answer unceasing phones, continued to get more work thrown at me, stayed late, then ran for the hills. Or more accurately, my Mums for goulash, a place of sanctuary where the TV is played at bomb-exploding levels, where the Daily Mail is considered a level headed liberal paper, and where Heart FM can be heard from nearly every room in the bungalow for NO FUCKING REASON!!!

Things are swell now, mainly my waistline. I haven't gone on that 3 week pre-holiday health trip as intended, so I don't feel particularly sexy. Nonetheless, I am hoping that pitch-black darkness and extreme inebriation will be my friend in those grim, grim bars of Fuenguerola.

Viva life! I'm off to attempt catching an STD. Adios.


Shoshana said...

Have a great trip! Good luck with catching that STD!

Angela-la-la said...

Enjoy, darling! (And take some fucking condoms, will ya? Herpes is for life, not just for holidays)

luna said...

Back to your birthplace.

Anonymous said...

ay-up-chuck! have a word with Mac9 who usually posts on here http://boards.rivals.net/default.asp?sid=887&p=16 from around 3pm onwards. he knows a bit about spain and looks a little like henry the 8th, and who could argue against that arl' fella having known a thing or two about the ladies in his day. tell him bluesphereworms sent you. have fun.

ixat said...

Your blog is amazing. Finally, someone who is even more angry, bitter, underemployed and sexually deprived than myself. It's like you're me in 8 years or so.

You know that you probably have enough material here to publish your very own book, like "Girl With a One Track Mind" in reverse? Heck, I'd buy it!

Greetings from Connecticut!

Anonymous said...

Have a lovely holiday, both of you, and bring home presents for me. Not STDs.

fwengebola said...

Shosh ~ Hooray! But I didn't! Boo!
Ang ~ Don't worry, I took condoms. They remained unopened though.
Luna ~ It was very emotional.
Anon ~ An Everton forum? I think I saw Mac9 in one of the bars.
ixat ~ Bloody hell, that's a compliment and a half. Thank you ever so much!
Lfm ~ Is an ability to be grumpy and tired a present?