Thursday, July 26, 2007

Fame... Sort of

If you knew where to look tonight, the real me was on television twice today.

Firstly, I was in the audience of Mock The Week, clapping and looking bored, right at the front, next to the guy, the one with the hair and the shirt and all that.

And secondly, and rather oddly, I was interviewed on Channel 4 news in my living room. Lead story, too. It must've been a quiet news day.

Thanks in part to Little Bird, I have been trying to reclaim my bank account charges. British banks have been charging £30-£50 for going over your overdraft, even if only by a few pence. Over time, I've been charged around £600 for such infractions. The banks, they claim, have to charge this for administrative reasons, when the true cost is only a pound or two.

Bearing in mind that banks are squeezing people with no actual money of their own - those living off overdrafts - and you have a bunch of cunts treating their customers as cash cows. Nonetheless, some people have fought the suits and got their money back. As for me, I'm being somewhat of a chancer and not holding out much hope.

Thanks again to Which? consumer group and the nice lady I'd been emailing in my efforts to get these fines back, she'd asked me yesterday if I could spare the morning to be interviewed.

My boss didn't care. Neither did I. I took the morning off, and I ended up looking far far less attractive than I've ever imagined in my head. In fact, there's nothing quite like a cold, hard camera pointed at your sweating head, or capturing your lumbering gait as you walk like a Neanderthal with weight issues along a high street, chainsmoking in a hoodie (why did I wear that on film?), to make you realise why you can't get laid.

I wouldn't have sex with me.

Fortunately, very fortunately, I refused the segment producer's suggestion that I stand in my living room flailing Large Northern Flatmate's aluminium baseball bat around my head (to symbolise my fight against my bank), because I'd look like a cunt. I silenced the room with that statement. I also rebuffed his suggestion to symbolically and actually lift my weights, for the same reason.

The producer looked put out, but the cameraman backed me up.
'Don't worry, I wouldn't do that either.'

And so, as a comprimise, I was filmed walking outside my flat, stumbling, looking small eyed with nostrils a-flaring, smoking (five in succession for continuity's sake), and resembling a twat.

I'm frankly amazed that I've had sex at all.

Oh, and I'm also on record as having said that banks will spend more on lawyers sorting the mess out than they will on saying 'We've overcharged you, have it back.'

That's bollocks.


Anonymous said...

Oh come on. Any links where we can see either of these items? I want to see why you can't get laid! :)

Angela-la-la said...

Fuck me upside down! Two posts in a week and you've been on telly twice?

Who are you and what have you done with the real whinging bastard?


actonb said...

After some elementary stalking I can now ask "what is your bloody problem boy?"
Apart from the shocking bad self-image that is...

I was, however, a little shocked to discover that you're not just a larger version of that cute little school boy - glasses, tufty hair and all.

And Adam Hills, who's on Mock The Week next week (apparently) is very very funny, in a lovely gentle way. Lucky peoples...

lune said...

wow what next, Desert Island?
That'd be good for your sexual image.

And to symbolize the fight against capitalism,why not walk over your noisy frog and crack his head eh?
Kill two frogs with one stone so to speak...

Actonb how did you do that?
We want to see too! Share!

Eliza said...

a- you don;t have weight issues
b- stop smoking
c- i like your drying rack
d- tidy your flat!

elif said...

your identity is exposed. oh the fame! yeah you don't have weight issues stop worrying about that. i think you look cool walking on the street smoking.

Han said...

You look well hard. Nice clock.

Z said...

I found you easily enough, even without the link. But see you? Sodding Channel 4 doesn't play on a Mac.

I was not deterred however, and went and bought a PC as well. You were worth it, of course.

Angela-la-la said...

Seen it now. You look yummt enough to me. Actually, I'd go so far as to say I'd have sex with you, so there. Maybe not in that hoodie though...

Martin Lewis could, of course, wear whatever he wanted *fans self*

fwengebola said...

LFM ~ There's a link in these comments... but not for long!
Ang ~ The whinger is dead. Long live the Whinge.
Or words to that effect.
Act ~ Oh my, did you track the link down? It didn't occur to me at the time of blogging that the clip could be found.
And it's not genuine bad self image, just good old fashioned self-deprecation.
Luna ~ You're going to be late, as I'm about to get deleting.
Eliza ~ Crikey, that's weird. You know everything now.
Dave Fishwick ~ (Since deleted.) Bless you for the link, Dave. That's given my friends who missed it something to laugh about. And alas I am removing it from the blog, what with it revealing my real name, my mug, my living room and locale, that kind of thing.
Elif ~ I look cool walking down the street smoking? As one friend emailed today, I looked like a man walking with the relaxed demeanour of someone being filmed.
Plus smoking is crap.
Han ~ The producer insisted on the clock, as it suggested 'Time running out'.
I thought it suggested 'A clock'.
Z ~ You bought a PC to Cme? Money well spent, then.
Ang ~ I always knew you were mad. Cheers!

Huw said...

Well, I couldn't play it with sound where I am, so some mystery remains. I entertained myself for all of 2 minutes doing a 'comedy' voiceover as to what might be being said.

In my head. I'm not mental.

sue said...

Well, that clip has fueled the blog crush!

Hope you get the bank charges sorted.

Anonymous said...

hahaha... so that's why you never get laid.
I like the blog though.

Anonymous said...

so we know your name, and that you live by that moped shop on the high street and we can forge your signature (nice touch).
Identity theft anyone?
and sorry about the comment above, I am evil and could not resist it. Honest.
The truth is the blog is crap. :)

Midnight said...

I hope you put the fear of god into Abbey National, they are a bunch of cunts.

Ordinary Girl said...

I put in a bank claim for £1730 (over 2 grand with interest) about a month ago, so am hoping for the best. What happened at the court case anyway?

Oh, and you're far beefier (NO that does not mean fat!!!) than I'd imagined by the way...

fwengebola said...

Huw ~ I was talking about profound and intelligent matters unrelated to banking.
Sue ~ It's Martin Lewis again, isn't it?
Anon ~ Ahahahaha. Thanks. At least you like the blog.
Anon again ~ Oh good. Now I'm being stalked. And my blog is shit.
I know all this anyway.
Middy ~ I don't think they're unduly worried. And yes, I couldn't have put it better. I may have added the word 'utter' though.
OG ~ Ooh, a bigger amount than me then. The outcome of the court case, if the banks lose, will be that they have to pay everyone back regardless. People won't even have to claim. But they'll win. They're banks. I can't see how they've got a legal leg to stand on but a cabal of banks hiring the finest lawyers known to humanity (not that lawyers are human) are very, very likely to succeed.
And beefy. Yes, that'll do.

Peach said...

Just found and watched the article. You shouldn't worry at all, that Angela woman came across as a total and utter twat. Compared to her and with ML backing up consumers, you're our freedom fighter dude and we're glad you went on record to be so.

Fucking arseholes banks the lot of them.

fwengebola said...

Yes indeed she was and yes indeed they are. Of course, she's probably on a very low wage and all for the little man (and woman).

having my cake said...

Godammit, Im too late for the link on here as well as the pic of Vi's hunk! And if I want to watch it on C4OD, it'll probably cost me 99p since it's over a week since it was aired! Are you worth 99p? Your stunning self-promotion is making it a difficult choice.

I wrote a letter for Ruf based on a template from the web. He reclaimed about £70 in bank charges and got back a refund of £30. Since there appeared shortly after an article that the banks were starting to refuse to pay out, we counted ourselves lucky and accepted the goodwill.

fwengebola said...

Vi's hunk? She'll have to appraise that since my outing. Don't think I'm worth the 99p either.
I'm amazed they paid out too.