Saturday, June 09, 2007

I Can Never Watch Porn Again

I have just received an email. The forwarded subject heading is 'Paris Hilton, view in private'.

I've just surfaced in my pit, private enough. I download the attached mpeg and my computer doesn't crash. Excellent.

This is what I see: Paris Hilton is naked from the waist up, and she's pouting. The accompanying music, I've googled to discover, is Paris's very own paean to pap, Stars are Blind. She's now reclining on a chaise longe, like a stick of celery with its snatch out.

Right, ok.

Now her ex appears, popping it in from behind. I squirm a little. Surely this clip is going somewhere, some kind of reason for sending it to me.

Scene change. Oh look, an erect member. Paris is gurning from just behind this angry red helmet. This is about as erotic as watching Large Northern Flatmate shave off his backhair.

Oh crap, now she's sucking him off. Oh dear god, No! Why? Why was I sent this? What's going to happen ne....

Ah, he's come on her tits. The clip ends. I am ruthlessly disturbed.

I haven't watched hardcore pornography with such astonishment since the day I first saw a mucky video, Teenage Desires, I believe, back in the VHS only, pre-internet days when I was 14.

And the reason I watched this clip with so much horror and nausea wasn't just because Paris Hilton was the main performer, a woman with the body of a Dickensian waif and all the charm and intellect of a vole.

No, the reason for my encroaching horror was that this clip of hardcore pornography was sent, apropros of nothing, by my Mother.
My Mum sent me porn.
Of fucking, and a blow job, and some bloke jizzing his DNA onto the small pert breasts of an airhead. Which meant that my Mum saw that. She saw it all. And she knows all about that kind of thing, and maybe even did likewise herself, dear GOD.

My Mum watched and sent me porn, and included a dozen elderly Jews into the email. They are all right now probably having small seizures in their tidy homes in North West London, and all my known rules of the universe have been stretched and inverted and spunked onto the Floor of Unease.

I feel a little bit sick.

27 comments:

Sabine said...

What can I say?
A friend of mine was once merrily jacking himself off in his loungeroom in the wqee hours of the morning, when he looked up and met his mother's eyes just as he blew.
They both averted eyes and she went back into her room.
The next day wanting to break the ice, he apopolgised, and she apologised for interrupting and said that it looked as if he was having a lovely time.

isabelle said...

hilarious !

fwengebola said...

Sab ~ Oh my god, that's so much more infinitely worse. I think my sister caught my one morning we were in our teens, storming into my room when I was shuffling around under the duvet. Obviously I've never brought this subject up with her.
Is ~ Petrifying, really.

Z said...

I am sure that your mother didn't have any idea at all what was going on, and sent it to you in all innocence.

And Sabine's friend's mother is just great.

fwengebola said...

Trust me, when people email porn to each other, they know what's going on.
I am beginning to suspect Sabine's 'friend' is actually Sabine. Albeit male in her story.

la fille mariƩe said...

Fucking hell, Fweng. This is the funniest thing ever. Your mum! I thought her sending you pics of naked rugby players was the ultimate, but this takes it to a new level. I'm torn between loving her to bits, and feeling so, so sorry for you.

Now... there must have been some context -- why did she send it to you (and her elderly Jewish friends)?

Day Dreamer said...

Oh damn.

I went to see Top Gun with my Dad at the theatre when I was a teen. I was horrified to be sitting next to DAD as they showed them politely going at it.

I can only imagine.

Angela-la-la said...

Are you sure it wasn't her way of telling her friends that you do have a girlfriend actually and, to prove it, here's their latest holiday video?

luna said...

Didn't she send you a firemen calendar a long time ago?

What is she trying to say?
First she checks you're not gay,then she attempts to jolt you out of a premature manopause?
Very kind of her wanting to revive her elderly friends enthusiasm in this way.

Or was the clip educational?

Now you know where your weirdness comes from.

So does she wax the lot?
La Hilton I mean.

Waynecoff said...

send on to me, love to see that,

sue said...

That would traumatise me! Who had sent it to her though? Or had she searched for it?

me said...

I am traumatised, and i only READ about it. why???

fwengebola said...

LFM ~ I think she was bored. Or else she thought she'd found the hardest thing on the internet and decided to pass it on. In which case, that's quite sweet, in an innocent and inappropriate way.
DD ~ That was mild. You got lucky.
Ang ~ They'd be horrified that I was dating the Hilton.
Luna ~ From what I've seen, it looks like she's waxed everything bar her head. She looks like a cueball. But thinner.
WC ~ I would if I hadn't deleted it. In fact, I've actually wiped my hard drive and reinstalled everything. Mainly out of shock.
Sue ~ Oh god, don't make me think she'd trawled for porn.
me ~ I have no idea. I really really really have no idea.

luna said...

You erased it?(stupor) Have you any idea how hard it is to find on the net? How very selfish!What about us having fun!When I think you posted a plug of Tony Blair once!
Please ask your Mum to resend it asap.
Or else...I'll comment twice as much.

I know what: your Mum has a sideline in procuring all sorts of goods and services to housebound hospice residents and she had this urgent pending request for a Barbie Porn Star video but she mailed it to her whole adressbook by mistake.

Your Mum is really ingenious.

Little Bird said...

Go get drunk, it will erase the horror for a little while.

Or go trucking, either way you'll have some fun, more than me at present anyway, I'm with the parental unit down under. And it's winter here.

British Gal Does Tokyo said...

Unlike little bird, I think it would take at least a month of hard drinking to erase those images from memory. I need a few and I didn't even see the video.
Genitalia cannot disintegrate through underuse. I have evidence.

Peach said...

you watch porn again, just not that porn

... i'm sure you'll get into it again if you try hard enough

Tim Clague said...

Better than your mum being in it!

londongirl said...

Any particularly reason WHY your mum sent you porn? I'm sure it's very modern and all, but it strikes me as frankly, umn, confusing...

Sabine said...

No I protest Fweng, really not me!!!! Male or female- but people do have a habit of teling me theri embaressing masturbation stories in all confidence- that I then happily pass on for the love of it. Another friend was lazing astride the top of her horse rubbing herself (clothed) on a sunny afternoon and brought herelf to climax. As she sighed she heard a hurrmpph, and turned to see her father watching her kind of absent mindly. Now that is really all wrong, but she said that she wasn;t sure if he was aware of what he had just witnessed. (Nothing ick in their relationship just for the record- just an awkward embaressing encounter. for the record this wasn't really me either. Although I willl confess to going to a Russ Meyer Film Marathon Festival as a teen with my brother and his friend. At one time I heard his friend whisper to him (Isn't it a bit odd you being here with your sister).

chopperbomb said...

If you think about it, your Mum sending you porn could be seen as better than her not sending you porn. Because this way, you get to see some porn! (On top of all the other porn you see, obviously). The next time I see your Mum I'm gonna ask her if she can hook me up too.

fwengebola said...

Luna ~ Really? It's hard to find? Bugger. I deleted everything.
LB ~ Ooh, is it cold? It isn't cold, is it. It can't be much different to here. Trucking contractors. And I hope all is well with everything in the meantime.
BGDT ~ The movie was bad. I mean, a not particularly attractive person - inside and out - fellating and, umm, stuff, but my Mum sent it. Oh god, why?
Peach ~ Ironic you should say that. I've unwittingly come into a of porn. Ahem.
TC ~ Yes, thank you Timothy.
LG ~ I really, really, really, really, really don't know.
Sab ~ Hang on, why would any woman start playing with themselves into a frenzy whilst on top of a horse? I know some women love horses, but come on.
And I agree. Why were you at a Russ Meyer festival with your brother?
Chopperbomb ~ You talking to my Mum about porn is infinitely worse than her sending it to me.

Little Bird said...

Yeah, it's cold and wet! I mean, what's with that? It hasn't rained here in years and as soon as I turn up the heavens open. I want my money back.

As for trucking contractors, I'll no doubt pass a few on Friday when I take to the Highway and drive north to... an even colder place.

Get revenge on your mum, send her something much worse. My mum used to like to embarrass me by saying stuff like "The more the merrier" when told of offers I'd had as a student for being a girl sandwich with 4 bloke postgrad law students after a rather long drinking session (needless to say I was not a girl sandwich even if I am a Geezer bird). Or the time she told me 'It's not how big it is, it's what they do with it', the images that one conjured up were not pleasant when I thought of the 20 odd years she'd been married to my dad!

I'm sure I could find something for you with the help of a few of my computer geek friends, just say the word!

Joie de Vivre said...

ew! Thats just wrong ...

can u pls send me the vid?

fwengebola said...

LB ~ If it's any consolation, it's colder and wetter here. But still warm. It's jsut odd. My mum makes similar comments if it helps.
And I've never been the girl filling in a sex sandwich, thankfully.
JDV ~ Sadly, it's long gone. I even have a new computer with absolutely zero porn on it.

Anonymous said...

at least you have a mother you fuck!

fwengebola said...

Shouldn't there be a comma after mother?